do dishes, how much to disclose about our relationship to other people, how much time to spend together or apart — and are willing to consider the other’s viewpoint. In the latter situation, we insist on our own way and can’t let go of our need to dominate the situation.
2.Keep up the loving behavior. It’s like putting money in the bank. When Cupid’s potion has worn off, the real work of love begins. You’ll need to regularly check in with your partner about what’s going on in your relationship, bestowing on him or her the sustaining gift of affection and reaching for your higher self in the face of conflict. Don’t stop expressing care, kindness, and goodwill even as you start to encounter major differences and arguments.
Think of three ways to be generous that don’t compromise you, even when you are disappointed or angry. Examples may be filling your partner’s car with gas, cleaning up after dinner when it’s not your turn, or genuinely wishing your partner a good day when you part company in the morning. Do these often, whether you’re feeling good or bad about your relationship on a given day.
3.Learn your love languages. According to bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman, everyone has a particular way they most enjoy receiving love. There are five so-called love languages: tangible gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. (You’ll find a full guide to the love languages in Chapter 13.) Spend some time with your partner figuring out which love language each of you most needs and start to incorporate this knowledge into your everyday interactions. If your partner values words, make a point of telling him how you appreciate and care about him. If you most love quality time, make sure your partner knows, so that she can devote more attention to the date nights you cherish.
Remember times you have expressed caring in your style (maybe with a gift or with words in a text or email), and it wasn’t received in the way you hoped it would be. Think about times your partner has reached out to you in their caring style (maybe by doing the laundry or putting air in the tires), and you discounted this as not heartfelt enough. There’s no need to do anything about this other than observe with loving-kindness that most of us “give what we want to get” and mark this as something to learn from.
4.Ask yourself if you are staying on your own mat. In yoga, we’re taught the importance of “staying on our own yoga mat” — not concerning ourselves with how well (or badly) other participants are holding their poses. The teaching translates beautifully into our relationships: instead of pointing an outraged finger at your partner when problems arise, work on understanding your own triggers (triggers can be seen as automatic stress reactions stemming from our past experiences).
Stretch
1.Acknowledge your triggers. As you begin to understand how you’re responding to your partner’s actions — and how you yourself may be contributing to conflicts — bring up these areas of tension with your partner and focus on your own experience. (Example: “I realize I get hurt when you want to spend time alone. I know that’s a trigger for me.”) Ask your partner for help instead of launching into criticism.
2.Acknowledge the ways you try to grab power in your relationship. Think about the ways you push your viewpoint on your partner, try to get your way, and discount the other point of view as childish, unreasonable, or just plain wrong. Can you acknowledge when winning becomes more important to you than playing fair?
Stage Three, Disillusionment: Clear the Air and Create Space
During The Merge, the brain notices only the positive and avoids anything that challenges that view. In the Disillusionment stage, by contrast, the brain zeroes in on the relationship’s deficiencies and disappointments. If something goes right, the brain slides right by it. Things are still terrible. The end is near!
As in Stage One, in this stage of Disillusionment you must remember that what you’re experiencing isn’t the whole truth. Take steps to “de-smog” your vision, all the while taking good and gentle care of yourself.
Here’s your Stage Three to-do list:
1.Nurture the relationship even as you stand your ground. As frustrated and sluggish as you might feel, now is the time to devote even more energy to your relationship. Make time to enhance your communication and connection skills. Try to reframe your thinking to see trouble as an opening to understanding, empathy, and a closer connection with both yourself and your partner. Importantly, don’t stop practicing goodwill. For example, my husband has made me a latte every morning for the entire length of our marriage. Some mornings, he brings it to me with a kiss; other mornings, he gives it to me silently. Once in a while, he puts it way over on my dresser rather than the nightstand, so I have to reach for it. But come hell or high water, that cup of latte is there every morning.
2.Stop pushing problems under the rug. Of course you’re exasperated by repetitious and fruitless arguments; understandably, you’d rather just stay grimly silent than get into another heated exchange with your partner. Too often, we avoid dealing with our issues not out of apathy, but out of fear that speaking up will trigger even greater mutual hostility. However, the opposite is more often true — a lumpy carpet leaves much to trip over.
It’s absolutely essential to learn how to listen to our partner’s grievances and speak up about our own. In healthy relationships, there are no lumps hidden under the rug; instead, we should manage conflict in a timely way that ensures problems aren’t shoved underground, where they can fester and develop into ugly lasting resentments. Pay particular attention to the DTR exercise in Chapter 13 as a simple and effective way to manage these inevitable annoyances.
Stretch
1.Practice affection when upset. Can you feel angry and be aware that something isn’t working that you need to talk about — but still go to dinner and a movie together? Try holding hands, expressing appreciation, or celebrating your partner’s success even during an unresolved power struggle.
2.Create boundaries without closing your heart. By this stage, you’re often interacting with your partner from a chronically defensive position. “You’re pissed off that I’ve done this? What about all the times you’ve done that?” Instead of trying to one-up your partner, explore the possibility of creating limits and looking after yourself without closing your heart. What would that look like? Can you say no to something and still be kind? “At the moment I’m not comfortable having dinner with your colleagues, because we are going through such a tense time. I really want to support you in your new job, so let’s talk about it in a few months after we get through this.”
3.Acknowledge your part. As power struggles between you and your partner mount, practice the counterintuitive move of turning your attention away from your partner’s transgressions and toward your own role in causing the rift. Use this difficult period to develop this self-reflective response to conflict. For example, “I know my own sensitivity to feeling abandoned made it even harder for me when you decided to have lunch with your friend Saturday and not hang out like we planned.” There’s always a way of making a piece of conflict about you without denying your partner’s role.
4.Protect yourself. Never forget that your negative emotions arise for a reason. They often signal when something’s wrong, whether the issue is minor or serious. If you are in danger — for example, if your partner is physically abusive — take immediate measures to protect yourself and your family. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If there are issues of addiction, untreated depression, or an undisclosed affair, it’s essential to get outside support.
Stage Four, The Decision: Do the Work
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