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In real love you want the other person’s good. In romantic love, you want the other person.
— MARGARET ANDERSON, founder, editor, and publisher of The Little Review
One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is mindfulness. To be mindful means to gently bear witness to ourselves in the moment — physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Too often we’re so swept up in what’s happening to us, how we feel about it, and what to do to change it that we fail to fully experience these internal currents. Consequently, we react without real awareness of what’s actually driving our choices. When we learn to observe our feelings, thoughts, and experiences without reacting to them — and without trying to judge, analyze, or deny them — we become less attached to our dramas and less swept up in our moods. We are more able to take a step back and make the wisest possible decisions that blend heart, head, and instinct.
Now that you’re aware of which stage of the Love Cycles you’re in, this chapter offers you specific focus areas for surviving and navigating each stage. This process will require constant mindfulness. Go slowly in order to avoid reacting. Practice a more thought-out, slower response while you look at the stage of relationship you may be currently experiencing. I recommend you follow these steps:
1.Read the material on each stage in the preceding chapter.
2.Go through the suggestions for the stage you are in. Circle or underline the suggestions that apply to you. You should also read through the other stages as well, so you’re prepared for when you shift to another stage and understand what your partner is going through if he or she is in a different stage than you are.
3.Think about how you might implement the ideas you’ve underlined. Commit to starting with the ones that are easiest for you.
4.Later, add some of the more challenging ones, which I call stretches.
Stage One, The Merge: Do Not Trust Only Your Heart
Beware of the fantasy of permanent bliss that this stage wraps you in. The first stage of love is perhaps the most euphoric and sensation-intense of them all. But that spectacular spike in feel-good neurochemicals can overpower common sense. The main problem people face in this stage is believing their feelings are the true and lasting barometer for the relationship. People ignore red flags, differences, and plain old logic. (“It doesn’t matter that he’s had seven wives, doesn’t speak to any of his eleven children, and can’t hold down a job! I love him. Plus, he’s changed. He promises our relationship is forever.”)
In spite of Western culture’s message that “all you need is love,” touted in every imaginable media, this is a time when you need to access your rational self as much as your emotional self.
Here’s your Stage One to-do list:
1.Be mindful of your heightened emotions. By all means, enjoy this stage to the fullest — this is the stuff that makes courtship so delightful and intriguing. There’s no need to forgo these joys. Just be aware that you’re in a trance — a victim of Cupid’s magic potion. Take time to step back and observe your emotions and behaviors; ask yourself whether they’re objectively rational. Ask a trusted friend for a candid opinion about your relationship. Awareness is key. (Journaling is a great way to foster this mindfulness.)
2.Don’t make any permanent moves. Because you’re not in a rational state of mind, you may regret moving in, getting engaged, or making big joint purchases with your partner. Wait a while — I recommend a year or two — until the haze of this stage has faded.
3.Tell your partner you need to go slow in making major decisions. Pay close attention to your partner’s reaction. Is it respectful, or does your partner push you in a particular direction?
4.Actively question whether this person is the best match for you. Investigating your new relationship in this way doesn’t mean you’re sabotaging it, nor does it make you a doubtful, wavering, or uncaring person. It simply keeps you grounded and helps you make decisions that are best for both of you in the long run.
Stretch
1.Write down all of the reasons this may not be a great match. Here is a hint. We all bring our own troubles to a relationship. If you cannot identify the ones your new lover brings, you are too far under love’s chemical spell to make any sensible decisions.
2.Make an objective list of qualities you want in your life partner. For you, how important is a sense of purpose, humor, humility, loyalty, and flexibility in an intimate relationship? How important is a willingness to take responsibility for one’s behavior and engage in the emotional work you’ll need to do together to develop and nurture wholehearted love? Be as tough-minded as you can here. Does your list match up with the qualities of the person you’re dating?
3.Become aware of your partner’s relationship history. Listen carefully to how your partner talks about family and former partners. Watch how your partner manages conflict and acknowledges — or fails to acknowledge — personal mistakes.
4.When others note red flags, pay attention. Don’t get defensive. Do your best to listen openly to the perspectives of those who care about you.
Stage Two, Doubt and Denial: Don’t Let Fear Get the Best of You
The transition from Stage One to Stage Two may feel like a creeping cold, or it may feel like sudden food poisoning. You have arrived in the power struggle. As my mentor Dr. Harville Hendrix says, The Merge feels like “We two are one”; Stage Two is more like “We two are one, and I am the one!” But don’t panic. What your relationship is going through is not necessarily unhealthy, and it’s not likely terminal. Infatuation isn’t meant to last forever. We fall in love, but we don’t fall into good relationships. Like it or not, we have to work at them. They take practice, patience, and intention.
Here’s your Stage Two to-do list:
1.Understand that power struggles are a normal relationship process and not the end of love. Research shows each couple has a handful of irresolvable issues, and the difference between couples who thrive and those who don’t make it is how they manage those issues. Learn to fight fair, making use of the core communication skills (found in Chapters 9 through 12) and practicing the daily gestures of caring behavior (Chapter 13). Those go a long way to counter the power struggles you’ll inevitably face.
Ultimately, most arguments are about disconnection rather than the actual topic you’re arguing about. For example, let’s say one of you wants to live in the city while the other longs for country life. Objectively, you have a disagreement to work out. But the real pain creeps in when both of you become so entrenched in your positions that you become sarcastic, mean-spirited adversaries who place winning above all rather than teammates trying to work out a problem together. The first priority is to treat each other with care and respect. If you fail to do that, “winning” the battle will be a hollow and damaging victory.
At the same time, it’s vital to recognize the difference between
