thinking, “Why did I lose my calm state I had worked so hard to create?” She felt dejected and resistant to meditating again, with “Why bother? What did I do wrong?” going through her mind.
What I helped Marilee see is that no matter how much we prepare, sometimes life happens. Our spiritual path isn’t about meditating for a while and becoming perfectly serene, and then everything else is cake. The practice is to let go of our expectations and perfectionism and to know we have the resilience and skills to endure the challenges and return to our center again. She didn’t do anything wrong, other than the mistake of believing she wouldn’t have to feel fear again. After some work with self-compassion, feeling and listening to her anxiety, and embracing the now by letting go of how it was before (all of which is coming in Part III), the tension and despair released. She returned not only to feeling ease within, but also to her meditation practice—with nonattachment to outcome!
The Trap of Comparison
Comparison is related to expectations. I’ve often told my clients, “Comparison is the root of all depression.” When we compare ourselves to someone else—whether to a saint or that gorgeous woman in the sexy yoga clothes perfectly balanced in Crane pose on the mat next to us—we’re bound to feel less-than, as well as more anxious.
Comparison is a trap both ways. If we think, “Hey, look at me—I can sit still longer than those two guys over there who keep fidgeting…aren’t I a great meditator,” then we’re setting ourselves up again. Because we can be sure that comparison is a pendulum. If we’re feeling up and better-than one minute, then the next minute or the next week we’ll swing back into the doldrums. It’s the tricky ploy of the ego to try to keep us engaged in perfectionism by comparing, so that we’ll need that ego constantly telling us how great we are. If we fear not measuring up to others, we’ll get attached to feeling superior in order to compensate, and then we’re stuck in that comparison trap.
The last thing we want is to feel crappy about ourselves, isn’t it? But that is where the pendulum eventually swings if we buy into feeling that we’re better than others. The way out of the comparison trap is to let go of both ends of the spectrum: neither indulging in superiority nor allowing ourselves to believe that we’re less-than. The truth is that we are worthy, good-enough people and have been since the day we were born (and even before that, if that fits your beliefs). The simple fact that you came to this planet means you’re valuable and have something to offer. Let go of comparing yourself to others and trying to be perfect, focus on what you have to offer and who you truly are, and you’ll find your worries and fears diminishing.
Intolerance
Perfectionism causes anxiety because we become intolerant. OK, this is not a commentary on social justice. This is a commentary on how intolerant we become of ourselves and our lives when we buy into the idea that there’s some perfect way to be.
Spirituality ups the ante on our idea of perfection, because now we not only have to do something perfectly, we expect ourselves to be a perfect soul. Saint Syndrome tells us that we must not feel, think, or act in any way other than that of a blissful, transcendent yogini.
This attitude is terribly intolerant of, uh, human beings. All emotions are part of the experience, and worked with consciously, even the so-called “negative” emotions, like anger or fear, have gifts for us (as you’ll see in the section “Empowering Action”). Human beings make mis-takes , spill the milk, fart, and leave their desks messy. We also may react at times when we wish we would have responded.
The spiritual path is intended for imperfect people, because it’s those foibles and challenges that help us grow. We develop more compassion and open our hearts by our willingness to be vulnerable and embrace the pain and suffering of life. This takes us much deeper in our awakening than acting perfect all the time. So please, my friend, be more tolerant of yourself.
Perfection Is a Human Invention
The bottom line is that there’s really no such thing as perfection. Perfection is a human invention. It’s an idea conceived of and defined by human beings with limited human minds.
We have this idea that perfection means that everything is completely right and unmarred. Someone who is perfect has no flaws. We believe that it’s possible to be that perfect person. And we project this idea on our concept of the Divine, too—that It is perfect…according to our ideas of what perfect means.
But my understanding of Spirit is that it is Infinite, Unlimited, everywhere Present, and All That Is. How can anything that has no limits or bounds be limited by our idea of a word called perfection? And if that is true—that perfection doesn’t exist, not in the way we conceive of it, in the realm of the Infinite—then why are we as spiritual seekers holding on to the idea? Why hold onto an idea that causes us anxiety from continual self-comparison and, naturally, falling short?
Furthermore, if perfection doesn’t really exist except as a ridiculous idea in our minds, then neither does imperfection. Step out of the duality of perfect/imperfect and simply allow yourself to be, right here as you are. Take a deep breath of appreciation for simply being. You might find just by doing that, your body and mind relax a bit—one step made on your journey to more ease and resilience.
Spiritual Mistake #2 Flight to Light
“Avoidance is the best short-term strategy to escape conflict, and the best long-term strategy to ensure suffering.”
—Brendon Burchard
Back in the 1980s, when I first embarked officially on the spiritual path, it was the “New Age.” Channelers, crystals, tarot cards, and “the Harmonic Convergence,” a rare astrological alignment, were all the rage. A common theme that emerged during that time was “going to the Light.”
It’s a projection of the perfectionistic mindset of a spiritual seeker. Don’t feel anger or any of those “dark” parts of yourself (notice any judgment there?), just go to the Light. Surround yourself in Light, and push all those bad thoughts away. Live in the Light, and everything will be blissful. Everyone was running as far as they could from anything that could be seen as dark and unspiritual. This tendency to avoid the Shadow, the less-than-desirable parts of ourselves, and cling to our imagined ideal was known to some of us as “Flight to Light.”
It works really great—until you blow up at your kid or someone cuts you off on the freeway, or a deep-seated fear arises from within us, and suddenly the Light isn’t working to make it go away.
Everything Isn’t “All Good”
We can’t transform our fear, pain, and worry by pretending it doesn’t exist or matter. The more modern version of the Flight to Light is “It’s All Good.” There’s good intent behind this statement—we can certainly choose to see the good, the helpful, and the transformative aspects of our most unpleasant situations. But when someone else does something that triggers our anxiety, one can’t make it all better by just saying “It’s All Good.” Running to the light side of the situation too quickly avoids the potential for some deep healing of our worst triggers.
In my experience, it’s better to acknowledge that something doesn’t feel so good, or that we’re not happy with a behavior that’s emerged in us, especially when we’re reacting out of fear. We can acknowledge it without indulging in it, and we can help ourselves to heal and release the fear by moving through it rather than pasting a pleasant face on the pain.
When
