begin to feel overwhelmed, all it takes is a quick reminder to just let it go.”
Gratification, Impatience, and Trust
Impatience and difficulty delaying gratification are common triggers of anxiety. Holly could relate to that. She found that when she couldn’t get something instantly, she tended to think about it a lot. This led to worry and anxiety. Holly didn’t feel as “in control” of her thoughts as she would like. “If I can’t see how it will be, how it can change, or what the outcome might be, it triggers anxiety.”
After reflection and years of working on her inner healing process, Holly realized (much like Carla) that it’s “a fallacy to believe I can control everything.” She developed more trust and was able to wait more patiently for things to unfold. In another example of the power of surrender to transform anxiety, Holly learned to appreciate and accept things as they are for now, and to be more present in the moment (see the upcoming chapter “Presence”). “I think that is what is meant by Grace.”
Anxiety and Highly Sensitive People
Many of us on the spiritual path are “Highly Sensitive Persons,” or HSPs. According to Dr. Elaine Aron, author of the national bestseller, The Highly Sensitive Person, HSPs tend to be easily overstimulated (and thus anxious), have finely tuned empathy, process deeply, and are sensitive to subtleties, such as shifts in other people’s mood or energy. Melissa definitely qualified, and anxiety had been a lifelong challenge for her.
Melissa tended to feel everything—her own emotions, which were deep and intense, and everyone else’s, too. It was difficult to distinguish her feelings from those of others. She also had a low tolerance for incongruity: when people said one thing and did another, it troubled her. She could feel the truth of the situation, but others would deny it, even when it was apparent. Additionally, Melissa compared herself to others frequently, compounding her anxiety and undermining her confidence.
Melissa began shifting out of anxiety by being conscious of how and where she placed her attention. Working with the practices in the “Embodiment” chapter (especially Me/Not Me and maintaining healthy energetic boundaries), she was better able to navigate the world and other people’s emotions without being triggered into fear and worry.
Avoiding Feelings vs. Sitting with Them
Elisa was another yoga student of mine who had a lot of stress and anxiety in her life. She found that she tended to cope with the stress, as many of us do, by overeating or having a glass of wine. But she knew this wasn’t solving the problem, just avoiding it.
Elisa found a way to shift the anxiety by coming deeply into the present moment with the feelings within her (and you will, too, in the chapters on “Presence” and “Feeling Your Anxiety”). When the emotions arose, she practiced sitting with them rather than avoiding them. “When I do stop, I find that, like everything else, negative feelings pass. Both meditation and yoga are useful tools to sit with negative feelings until they leave.” This not only calmed her anxiety but built her emotional resilience, leading her to insight and growth.
Sonya M. Kelly, PhD, psychologist and author of the book, Meditative Visualization: How 2 Minutes A Day Can Change Your Life, developed anxiety in her childhood and similarly learned to cope with food. She grew up through the stress of her parent’s relationship problems, separation, financial difficulties, and sexual molestation. Food was a comforting coping mechanism.
Through her years of personal and spiritual growth, she found a way to transform her anxiety into courage and strength, rather than avoiding it through overeating. By opening to the Divine Source through meditation, she increased her emotional resilience. She allowed the emotions inside to arise in her meditations and experienced cathartic releases, which can also be achieved using the practices we will explore with feeling and listening to your anxiety. Dr. Kelly also found that empowering actions—being afraid and taking action anyway—were pivotal in overcoming the fears that beset her. You’ll discover more about empowering actions later in this book, including how you can use them to shift toward courage and calm.
Divorce and Anxiety
Many of us go through relationship breakups and divorce. Even the most amicable divorces are difficult; and the contentious ones can trigger constant worry and fear.
Renee came to see me as she was going through the ups and downs of the divorce process. Although the paperwork, legal proceedings, shuffling the kids back and forth, and dealings with her ex were plenty stressful, what triggered her anxiety the most was being alone and fearing that she wouldn’t meet another man to share her life with. She also was prone to criticizing and blaming herself when things went wrong, which hindered her ability to trust the process and to believe she could find the relationship partner she dreamed of.
As we worked with the fears and self-doubt that arose in the process of healing, Renee cultivated the skill needed to hold her feelings with awareness and compassion (coming up in the chapter “Self-Compassion”). She let go of the anxiety-provoking stories she habitually told herself about why people acted the way they did. Through engaging in this process, she not only was better able to move on from her ex-husband, but her self-confidence increased. Renee learned to love herself as she was and to trust in the Divine (more on that in the “Surrender” chapter); soon, she began to date again.
Fear of Rejection
A very common source of anxiety is the fear of being rejected, judged, and shamed. Perhaps we grew up with critical, shaming parents, or were mocked or ostracized at school, and that experience carried forward into our adult lives. This fear can become an unconscious motivator—or hindrance—in our daily lives, as well as a source of perpetual anxiety.
Anne was no stranger to this. She struggled with generalized anxiety most of her life, primarily related to fear of rejection. She was always “trying to do the right thing, keep the peace, and accommodate everyone around me. I even play the part of a person who is ‘easygoing, relaxed, and mellow’ as my friends typically describe me. But as my attuned husband tells it, I am like a duck in the water: calm, serene, and peaceful above the water, but with feet churning ferociously underneath to stay afloat.”
Few others knew how much she suffered, but she was keenly aware of how the anxiety afflicted her life. Through the application of yogic principles and the ability to witness her thoughts and emotions from a more neutral place (more about that in the “How You Do Spirituality is How You Do Everything” chapter), she felt “better equipped to deal with them.” “To be able to identify it, label it, observe it, and have a thoughtful reaction to it is empowering.”
It’s Time to Get Started!
You’re in good company—many before you have embarked upon this journey of awakening from your anxiety. The clock has sounded, and now you’re arising out of bed, ready to take on the new day of living with more calm, confidence, and inner peace. Turn the page, and let’s get started!
The Mis-takes Spiritual People Make That Perpetuate Anxiety
We’ve all done it. With the best of intentions, we set out on our spiritual path, ready to have our awakening and determined to find the calm, centered, peaceful place within that is beyond our anxiety.
Often, we do find that place—for a while. It’s the natural cycle of things for this state of being to come and go. When that calm, courageous place within begins to slip away, we might make some spiritual mis-takes .
They
