inauthentic. We have a hard time trusting someone who says and does all the right things but does them with clenched teeth in their tight smile, and who might occasionally have a sharp retort or a short fuse when the image they are trying to hold is just too much.
Avoiding the Shadow and Spiritual Bypassing
The people who indulge in Flight to Light avoid the Shadow—that unconscious part of personality known as our “dark” side. But it’s not limited to the uncomfortable, unpleasant aspects of the self. The Shadow also contains good qualities that we don’t perceive we possess. Essentially, the Shadow holds all that we aren’t willing to look at within ourselves—and that’s often the “negative” qualities. We shove our insecurities, less-than-desirable traits, and shame and self-blame, among other disconcerting aspects of ourselves, into the closet of the Shadow, and then lean back against the door to attempt to keep it closed—tight.
A related idea that falls under the Flight to Light category is spiritual bypassing. According to Robert Masters, author of Bringing Your Shadow Out of the Dark, spiritual bypassing “is the use of spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid dealing with our painful feelings, unresolved wounds, and developmental needs.” Anything that we’re afraid of looking at and owning is passed by—shoved back into the Shadow indefinitely.
We think that we have just gotten rid of the anxiety that we judge as pathetic, or our anger that is so “unspiritual,” by sweeping it under the rug. But we know deep down inside that it ain’t goin’ away. It’s just piling up inside until the time when it can’t stay hidden anymore.
What You Resist, Persists
You know the old adage—what you resist persists. Or, whatever you push away is going to stay. This is why Flight to Light is problematic. By resisting an issue, a feeling, a thought, or a behavior, we actually give it power. It’s like an old, festering wound. When it’s raw and small, you can deal with it pretty well. You grit your teeth, pour the burning alcohol over it, and cleanse it. But if you avoid the sting of having to clean the infection, it starts to grow and can develop into a serious condition.
When we try to push away our anxiety and the sources of it, we shove it into the unconscious. There it can grow into quite an unmanageable beast, which makes us avoid things in life that could be satisfying. We begin to feel nervous or uncomfortable. If we do that for a long time, the fear starts to have control over our lives.
Pushing a Wall
Using a metaphor of a wall is another way to understand why resisting is problematic. Imagine that the wall has something on it you don’t like—maybe a mark from a piece of furniture that banged into it. That mark represents a character trait you don’t like about yourself, or an emotion you don’t want to deal with or confront; say, anger. Go ahead and push that anger away. Push on the wall where that mark is, as hard as you can. Go on, keep doing it. Going anywhere? Is the anger disappearing? How do you feel? Probably tired at some point, yes? Frustrated? It’s silly (and needlessly exhausting!) to try to make a mark on the wall disappear by pushing it away, isn’t it?
When you repress things like anxiety or anger into the Shadow, it’s like that. You can’t pretend you’re not angry when you are. It will take a lot of energy to try to repress something like that. It won’t make it go away, and you’ll just deplete your energy. Walls are walls, and we can’t make a spot on them disappear by trying to shove it away.
Now, instead, just look at the mark on the wall. Get to know it. How long is it? What is its shape? How do you think it got there? Can you wash some of it off? Step back. Look at the spot again, and the whole wall. Step back even farther. What do you notice? Do you see that it’s just a small part of the wall, probably? If you stood all the way on the other side of the room, can you even see it? Maybe, maybe not. Now, what if you walk away? Once you have consciously acknowledged the spot, you can do that, and now your attention isn’t on it. It’s still there, but you haven’t denied the fact, and you’re not fighting against it. You could even decide to paint over it at some point, but that comes from acknowledging that it is there, recognizing that something needs to be done about it, and taking appropriate action—not trying to push it away.
Resistance Creates Anxiety
If you’re resisting your own fear, worry, and stress, you’re not alone. Many of us would simply like for it to go away. But resisting it not only stockpiles it inside of you. It creates tension and depletes your energy in order to keep those feelings underground—which also creates more anxiety.
If we believe the ideas that 1) this feeling is too much, too uncomfortable, and/or too scary to feel and that 2) getting rid of it makes us feel safer, then we’ll become obsessed with trying to get rid of it, won’t we? When our anxiety arises and we’re buying into these two beliefs, we’ll do everything we can to avoid it and feel more secure when we successfully do so.
But when we aren’t successful at pushing it away and sweeping it under the rug, we’ll become more anxious than before: “Oh no, I just can’t get rid of this, and it’s too awful for me to tolerate, and I’m not in control of it, so this is really, really, really awful!!!” Attachment to avoiding anxiety increases the very thing we’re trying to rid ourselves of. Flight to Light perpetuates fear of anything labeled “not-Light”—including our fears themselves.
So the practice of truly transforming our anxiety—turning the unwanted food scraps and garbage (i.e., your worries and stress) into desirable compost and soil (spiritual awakening)—can only happen when we consider that feeling the anxiety (or any other “negative” emotion) might be OK. We increase our tolerance and resilience in the face of it, and we let go of trying to hide or control it. Don’t worry, I have a plan in Part III that will help you be able to do that successfully. You can return yourself to the inner peace that was yours from before you were born.
The Transformational Power of Those “Negative” Emotions
So-called negative emotions, like anger, hate, fear, jealousy, etc., have power in them. If you just gloss over them and run to the positive—the “Light”—you’ll miss a big opportunity, because they are essential for spiritual and personal growth.
Fear brings to our awareness what lies outside of our comfort zone and what we have allowed to have power over us in some way. Anger clarifies what truly matters to us, calls us to set boundaries, and gives us the vital energy to speak up to take necessary action. Any emotion that we might label as “negative” can be understood in this new perspective. Worked with on a conscious level, you can walk through the dark or “Shadow” side, claim the treasures of healing and empowerment, and come out on the other side no longer at the mercy of those feared emotions. That will definitely reduce anxiety and build your courage muscles. I’ll detail how to use anxiety to empower you in Chapter 15, “Empowering Action.”
Rather Than Splitting Off the Dark—Wholeness
Wholeness is essential to the spiritual path and to overcoming our fears, for at the roots of anxiety is trying to split off what we’re frightened of or uncomfortable with inside ourselves. The path of healing and awakening is welcoming it all back in while knowing we are capable of being with it. This takes time and practice with the techniques I share in this book, but it is definitely possible. Rather than chopping ourselves and our experiences of life into acceptable and unacceptable pieces, we learn to love the whole of ourselves unconditionally and to embrace life with whatever appreciation and acceptance we can muster.
In yogic philosophy, two of the five causes of suffering are raga (pronounced RAH-guh), or “attachment,” and dvesha (pronounced DVAY-shuh, with “dvay” rhyming with “bay”), or “aversion.” This is the dance of the Flight to Light and avoiding our Shadows,
