means! Why would you ask this of me?’
He dusted himself off and leaned, his legs apart, against one of the sideboards.
‘Please, Ben – don’t leave me alone with those lunatics! Last year I had to stop Mom from attacking Dad with a carving knife!’
‘Yeah, I heard – sounds like it was a lovely, quiet Christmas dinner with a side of raging fury!’
‘Right! The dead turkey on our dinner plates was the happiest person around the table, trust me!’
Ben laughed and helped Lauren to her feet. He looked at her, and it struck her how strange it was that all of a sudden they were grown-ups. When had that happened? And yet Lauren now found herself standing opposite an athletically built man, all of twenty-six years old, instead of facing a slightly chubby teenager who would sneak cigarettes behind the bus stop with her.
With his broad shoulders and bushy eyebrows he still reminded her of that teenage boy. Even his smile had not changed in all these years. She was proud of him. And his smile might soon be featured on one of the Baseball Major League’s trading cards. He was a good player, and his coach believed in Ben and could see him switching to the top team very soon.
‘As you wish, Lauren, as you wish. I give up. I will have your back for the holidays, but in turn you’re going to get me a Christmas present. And by present I mean a proper gift. None of that homemade nonsense! And not something last minute from a gas station either, you hear?’
* * *
‘Ben, are you still awake?’ Lauren called across the bonfire. That was where she had seen him last.
‘Yep. I am. How could I fall asleep on a night like this?’
Lauren instantly regretted her little joke. Carefully, she wriggled herself out from under Alyssa, and Tim took her place.
‘I’m sorry,’ she muttered, after she had walked over to her brother. ‘It’s just that you’re being very quiet.’
‘Don’t worry, Sis. I’m here – and wide awake. I’m listening to you all and am sorry that I missed out on so much.’
Lauren sat down beside him and leaned against his shoulder.
‘Don’t be silly! You had to do it. Look at you now – you’re a super star!’
Ben laughed. ‘As if! I’m not half as strong as you are, and you know it.’
‘I am not, otherwise you would never have suggested beating Tim up for me. If I were that strong, I could have done the job myself,’ Lauren joked, offering Ben a sip from her wine glass.
Ben smiled and turned to Tim.
‘Boy was I pissed at you, Brother-in-law! You were lucky that I didn’t get to lay my hands on you,’ he called out. ‘I didn’t know you then. You were just the guy who broke my sister’s heart.’
In Maine, In Shock
The bluish-gray floor tiles seemed to dissolve beneath Lauren’s feet and draw ever closer as if they were waves. Bile rose in her throat, and she felt herself retch.
‘Holy shit!’ Lauren panted, weakly supporting herself against the bathroom sink, and closing her eyes. Leaning her forehead against the cold ceramic, she took deep breaths, but it didn’t help. Someone had pulled the plug on her brain. She found it impossible to think straight.
To make matters worse, her roommate Vicky was again pounding against the locked bathroom door.
‘Lauren? Open up! I have to get to class! And so do you, by the way!’
Three more blows against the door increased the panic that was slowly washing over Lauren.
‘Open up, goddammit! What the heck are you doing in there? I need my antiperspirant!’
Lauren knew she should say something. But what, though? She spat out the bitter reflux rising up in her throat, and turned on the tap.
‘Lauren!’
The rush of water almost drowned out the noise of Vicky on the other side of the door, and Lauren held her hands under the gushing water. Cold to the point of pain, she let it run over her wrists. Without a detour through their electric heater, the water traveled through the pipes almost in the form of ice cubes. Last night had seen the first freezing temperatures of the season, and without the heating on the student dorms turned into a cold storage facility.
‘Fine! Don’t open the door then! Bitch!’ Lauren could hear the door of their shared room slam shut, and Vicky’s irate footsteps fading away along the hallway. Lauren breathed out, relieved – she hadn’t realised that she’d been holding her breath all this time. An icy claw was wrapped around her chest threatening to crush her to death.
Slowly she opened her eyes, following the water drawing circles and burbling down the drain.
‘Shit!’ she repeated, and sank back down on the toilet seat. She wiped her wet fingers on the T-shirt she was wearing as a pajama top, and then ran her hands over her goose-pimpled skin. It took almost superhuman strength to turn her eyes back to the pale-blue test strip that was lying on the edge of the bathtub.
This had to be a mistake! A huge mistake.
Positive. The result of the pregnancy test was positive. But there was nothing positive about this experience! Tests could be wrong. Happened all the time, Lauren told herself, and yet she knew she was deceiving herself. She had skipped her last period. Her breasts were painful, and she felt sick every morning. For several weeks she had tried to ignore it. Blamed it on the stress of the new academic year. And still, subconsciously, it had been on her mind every single day. Now she would have to accept that her worst suspicions were right.
‘Holy mother of crap!’ She snatched the test strip from the edge of the tub and hurled it in the direction of the trashcan, which already held another test trip with the same positive result.
One test could be wrong – but not two!
Her legs shaking, she got up and looked in the mirror. The face staring back at her was truly pitiful. Her red hair was falling, tangled, into her eyes, and her skin was ashen, her lips lifeless. She raised her hand and left a wet palm print on the mirror. The dark shadows under her eyes became blurred.
‘You stupid, stupid girl!’ she scolded herself. ‘So what now? Was it worth it?’ She couldn’t stand the reproachful look staring back at her in the mirror accusingly, and she slumped back down on the toilet seat cover. She was cold. Getting dressed might help, but she wasn’t strong enough for that. It was hard enough to suck enough oxygen into her lungs. She felt dizzy again, and stuck her head between her knees, just in case.
What was she to do now? What would her parents say?
Fearfully, she placed a hand on her stomach and spread her fingers, as if protecting what was growing inside. The belly looked as it always did: not flat exactly, but there were no sign of a pregnancy. Of course not. It was way too early for that, but she had half-expected some kind of visible change. Could something as life-altering as that happen so quietly and so secretly? She put her hands over her full, aching breasts. These babies
