style="font-size:15px;"> ‘I was really overwhelmed by that decision back then,’ Lauren confessed. She noticed how Mia pricked her ears, and waved her oldest daughter over to join her and Ben on the other side of the bonfire. Mia looked tired. There were dark rings under her eyes, and she kept yawning. ‘I was overwhelmed because I was scared of being a mom,’ Lauren explained to her daughter and hugged her tight. ‘Scared that maybe I wouldn’t do as good a job as my own mom.’
Celeste clicked her tongue, visibly touched by the unexpected compliment.
‘But you were doing a great job,’ Celeste returned the compliment.
‘Thanks, Mom. I’m not so sure about that. I’ve been thinking about that time, especially these last few months. Back then, all I felt was scared at the idea of having a child. Today, all I feel is grateful.’
Lauren pressed a kiss against Mia’s dyed black hair.
‘Grateful for every moment that I was allowed to be a mom.’ Lovingly, she smiled at Mia, hoping her two daughters would forgive her one day. She felt a deep wistfulness because it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.
A Lonely Decision
With a peal of thunder, the sheet of snow and ice broke off and slid down the roof of the lake house, at long last allowing light to filter in through the skylight. It was warm and cozy inside, thanks to the roaring fire in the wood-burning stove, and steam rose from the coffee mugs on the table.
‘Lorelei, hand me the wrench, will ya?’ Chris said, wiping his forehead with dirty fingers. He was fully focused on the third of the four chairs that Lauren had bought for her new dining table. He was slowly getting the hang of it, and construction was going without a hitch.
‘Could you please explain to me one more time why I have to be the one doing this?’ he asked when Lauren handed him the requested tool.
‘You’re the only one with any technical skill whatsoever.’
Chris tightened a screw, brushed his long hair from his face and sat down, the wrong way round, on the finished chair.
‘Seriously, Lorelei! I’m a mechanic – not a carpenter or an interior designer or whoever else normally does this kind of thing.’
She laughed, handing him a coffee mug. And noticed the brand-new tattoo on the back of his hand.
‘At least you know what these tools are called, Chris. Which makes you better suited for this job than anyone else I know.’
‘Huh. Just goes to show what a professional baseball player with his million-dollar bank account is really worth!’ He was hinting at Ben who, the day before, had given up on the project as he didn’t have the correct size wrench. Ben had spent the Christmas holidays at home, and everyone was so happy about his visit that this had unexpectedly smoothed over the family crisis which arose when Lauren broke the baby news. She shook her head to chase away the memory.
Chris took a sip from his coffee, staring smugly at the finished chairs that were placed around the table.
‘Besides, you told me you were my hero and that you would always be there for me. No complaining now,’ Lauren returned to the topic at hand.
Chris smirked.
‘So maybe you want to at least tell me why I’m doing this? Ben was being very mysterious and all. He only said that you dropped out of art school . . .’
She shrugged her shoulders. That, at least, was the one point she and her parents were able to agree on. She would help out at the law firm, doing office work, until the baby arrived. But after that, who knew.
‘So I guess you can’t bear being away from me for so long, am I right?’
Chris couldn’t help but flirt. That was the way he was, and Lauren didn’t mind. It took the seriousness out of every conversation, and she knew exactly how he meant it. They were like brother and sister and enjoyed teasing each other. But today even Chris couldn’t help her forget what was actually going on.
‘I wish I could say it’s because of you, Chris, but . . .’
She folded her hands in her lap, awkwardly pressing her lips together.
‘What is it? Did something happen?’ She could tell from his eyes that he was worried.
Lauren attempted a smile.
‘I . . . I’m pregnant. That’s why I’m coming back.’
Chris gasped for air, and his eyes wandered down to her belly which, at the end of the first trimester, still looked quite inconspicuous.
Her friend looked so shocked that Lauren almost laughed out loud. Underneath his tattoos his skin had turned the same color as the snow that was blowing against the window outside.
‘Don’t worry, lover, it’s not yours,’ she explained, feeling amused.
‘Ha-ha, very funny, Lorelei! As if you’d ever have me touch you.’
‘Don’t be sad, Chris – you know I’ve always loved you, but you’re just too handsome for me,’ she teased, and Chris’s skin finally returned to its normal healthy color.
‘Is it Tim’s?’ he asked, gently. She nodded.
‘What did he say?’
Lauren took a deep breath. She was holding onto her warm coffee cup so as to not lose her cool.
‘Lauren – what did he say?’ Chris repeated when he didn’t hear her reply.
‘He . . .’
‘He’s sticking by you, right? He’s going to support you and the baby, isn’t he?’ Lauren reached for his hand, because Chris seemed upset.
‘He doesn’t know, all right?!’ she said quickly, looking him in the eye. ‘Nobody knows. Only me, Ben and my parents.’
‘What about Rachel?’
‘Not yet. I’m seeing her for the first time tomorrow as she’s been away skiing with Mason, remember?’
‘You have to tell him!’ Chris wrinkled his forehead and reached for the wrench. ‘He needs to know,’ he insisted, before tackling the last of the chairs. Lauren silently watched him for a while, then sat down next to him on the floor.
‘But we’re not together,’ she explained quietly.
Chris thrust a screw anchor into her hand and reached for the next brace.
‘He has a right to know.’
Angrily, she pressed her lips together.
‘He’s seeing someone else! Do you think I can just walk up to him and tell him that he’s about to be a father?’
Chris stopped and thought on this. Then he looked at her.
‘I would want to know.’
