rim of the Compound wall, I entered Emmeline Military Base, known colloquially as Fort Emmeline, via the visitor entrance and explained to the guard on the gate that I wanted to register a formal complaint against the General. The base was enormous, taking up almost a third of the total area of the Compound. To my left was a squadron of soldiers marching to the harsh orders of a drill sergeant, while beyond them I could see a fleet of armoured tanks, and still further away, glinting menacingly in the morning glare, an airfield with fighter jets packed in wing to wing. The guard looked up impatiently from her crossword and directed me towards a nondescript concrete building nearby.
‘That’s where Leigh is?’ I asked, enjoying a moment of delicious smugness as I stared at the drab little building. These were Leigh’s quarters? It was barely bigger than a large greenhouse!
‘What? No, of course not,’ the guard replied. ‘He’s in a meeting with the Alliance command. You’ll find a form on the table to your left. No pens, though – you’ll need to bring your own. There’s a war on.’
Perplexed, I walked through the gate, which closed with a loud clang behind me, and marched across the muddy, puddled floor towards the small building.
It was a waiting room. There were six or seven other people crammed inside the space, which was almost entirely bare save for the thin, uncomfortable-looking fold-out chairs which, aside from those currently occupied, were stacked untidily against the far wall. At the right-hand side of the room, beside a sleepy-looking guard who was on the verge of nodding off on his feet, was a table upon which stood a black box with the word ‘Applications’ plastered across the front of it. I grabbed the top piece of paper from the pile by the door, unfolded one of the chairs and sat down, staring irritably at the form before me.
‘What the heck is this…?’ I mumbled.
FORM 227/B99 – REQUEST TO LEAVE PALANGONIA DURING COMPOUND LOCKDOWN. HIGHEST APPROVAL REQUIRED.
‘Highest approval’. General Leigh, in other words. He’d said as much in his la-di-da announcement the day before. I felt suddenly deflated. I’d come to Fort Emmeline ready for a ruck, a chance to tell Leigh that no one messes with Kevin Keegan’s football club and gets away with it, but instead I’d been bundled into a room to fill in a form begging for Leigh’s blessing to be allowed to go. I knew full well that no matter what I wrote on the form – urgent hospital treatment, work commitments, a friend’s christening, reuniting with Sylvain Distin for a reprisal of our Lighthouse Family tribute act from 2005 – nothing would see Leigh acquiesce and approve my request. He wanted to see me gone from Palangonia forever, sure, but knowing that this was now something that I wanted too meant he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to grant it. He’d happily see himself suffer if it meant I’d suffer even more.
‘I cannot get my head around this bloody thing,’ came a voice from opposite where I was sitting. I looked up to see a woman wrapped in a wool coat and scarf, her hair a messy tangle of grey-black curls. She was squinting down through a pair of thick spectacles at her own form perched on her lap and was chewing the end of her pen vigorously.
‘I know what you mean,’ I nodded wearily. She glanced up at me.
‘Oh – I know you, don’t I?’ the woman said, smiling. ‘I’m sure I do.’
Oh, here we go. Earth may have been a distant memory but being a famous face still carried some cachet, it was true.
‘Maybe,’ I said coyly.
‘Didn’t you have a meltdown on TV or something?’ she asked. ‘Sorry, I don’t mean to sound rude, but that was you, wasn’t it?’
‘No,’ I said bluntly and returned to my form. ‘You must be thinking of someone else. Eamonn Holmes probably. Sounds like the kind of thing he’d do.’
‘I’m sure it was you,’ she said thoughtfully. ‘You said you’d hate it if something happened. “I will hate it if they lose – hate it!” It was definitely something like that…’
‘It was “I will love it if we beat them”,’ I said in a slightly scolding voice. ‘And I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Must be getting my wires crossed then,’ she said. ‘I hope I didn’t offend you or anything.’
‘Not at all,’ I said, waving a dismissive hand. ‘No harm done.’
‘I’m Caroline, by the way,’ she said, holding out her hand. ‘I work in the Compound library.’
‘Kevin Keegan,’ I said. ‘I run the football club. Or, at least, I did.’
‘Keegan…’ she said, chewing over the word much as she had the end of her pen. ‘Are you absolutely sure you’re not the—’
‘Nope,’ I said. ‘You’re definitely thinking of someone else.’
There was a moment of awkward silence as we both stared blankly at our forms. The fact I was even filling one out was humiliating enough – Leigh wasn’t going to approve it, so what was the use? Why give him the satisfaction?
‘Sod this,’ I said, standing up and screwing the paper into a ball.
‘What, you’re not going to apply?’ asked Caroline, shocked.
‘Leigh’ll never give me permission,’ I explained grumpily. ‘All he’s concerned about is “his military” and the L’zuhl – that’s how he likes to tart it up, anyway. But the reality is that his real aim in life is to kill Palangonia FC. And with this stupid spy malarkey, he’s finally managed it.’
‘Spy malarkey?’ Caroline said, sitting up straight. ‘Is that what this lockdown is about?’
Bugger.
‘What?’ I asked absently, trying to think of a way to cover myself. I didn’t want to be arrested for revealing military secrets – the Compound Council would have me executed, or worse.
‘You said the General was worried about a spy. Is there one in the Compound? Is that why we’re not allowed to leave?’
‘I didn’t say “spy malarkey”. I said…’ – my mind raced – ‘David Starkey. You know, the grumpy historian off the telly. Apparently he’s flying in for a special visit and Leigh wants to make sure security is cranked up.’
‘That sounds like a lie,’ said Caroline dubiously.
‘Yeah, it does a bit,’ I admitted, sitting back down. Caroline sighed.
‘I really need to get out of this Compound,’ she said miserably. ‘It’s life and death for me.’
‘Same here,’ I agreed. ‘What’s your situation, if I’m okay to ask?’
‘My sister,’ Caroline replied heavily. ‘She was evacuated to a different planet – Drebloot in the Phoenix Treble delta. She’s come down with approxial mylosia. A bad case, apparently.’
Oof. That was a nasty one. Approxial mylosia was better known by its colloquial name, ‘infinite malaise’. It afflicted approximately 15% of those who had made the journey from Earth into the various reaches of deep space and among its many gruesome symptoms it resulted in severe
