honestly cannot believe that,’ I said, shaking my head in exasperation. ‘I’m a pure football man, not a secret agent.’
‘Perhaps we should hold fire until we begin,’ the woman said, looking up. She wasn’t wearing a military uniform but looked very officious. I had a bad feeling about this.
‘Mr Keegan’s lawyer isn’t here yet,’ she went on. ‘This spy business is big, General – we want to make sure we play things by the book.’
‘Right you are,’ Leigh agreed, sitting back in his seat and knitting his hands together over his stomach like he was relaxing in a lawn chair. Honestly, I have never felt the urge to slap another human being as much as I did in that moment. He oozed smarm – that’s a trait I simply cannot abide. I remember years back there was that Swedish boy, Zlatan Ibrahimović. Hell of a player. But one day I heard him remark during an interview that he was unquestionably ‘the greatest living Swede’. I mean, I had to laugh. Did you write ‘The Winner Takes It All’ then, son? Nope. Next.
Still, though. A lawyer? For me? I didn’t even know I had one. Back on Earth, I’d always represented myself whenever I was involved in legal proceedings – like when I took Cineworld to court after I paid full whack for a ticket and yet the film only lasted three minutes. (They won on some weird technicality, claiming it was only a trailer before the main feature. Aye, right.)
‘Who’s my lawyer?’ I asked – and then right on cue, the door opened behind me and a portly man in a Hawaiian shirt and combat shorts bustled in, a sheaf of folders under one hairy arm. He had long hair at the back but was bald at the front – he looked like a sweaty Terry Nutkins. The only good thing I could say about him was that he was brave enough to wear socks and sandals together, a sartorial combo that society had wrongly shunned but for which I remained a proud standard-bearer. No one needs to see your manky toes, thank you very much.
‘So sorry I’m late,’ the horrendous-looking man said in a thick southern-US accent. He had a whistle in his nose when he exhaled which I could already tell was going to drive me absolutely potty.
‘Please don’t say you’re my—’
‘Your lawyer,’ the man said, extending his hand to shake mine as he sat beside me, scattering his folders and paperwork all over the floor as he did so. ‘Bill Attick.’
With a heavy sigh, I shook his pudgy, clammy hand and glanced across the table at General Leigh. I knew that smirk would be on his face before I even saw it.
‘Shall we crack on?’ Attick suggested amiably. ‘I can’t imagine this’ll take too long.’
‘I never hired you,’ I said, trying not to let my distaste at this poor state of affairs show. ‘I don’t even have a lawyer.’
‘I was employed by one…’ Attick consulted his notes, squinting, ‘Gerald Francis. You know him?’
‘Aye,’ I grumbled. ‘Wish I didn’t. He hasn’t been in to see me once.’
‘Oh, he’s tried,’ Leigh said. ‘Tried to scale the gates to the base at one point. We had to taser him.’
‘Christ – is he okay?’
‘That’s when he contacted me,’ Attick explained. ‘The General is free to prohibit visitors to his prisoners but cannot rebuff an Alliance-appointed lawyer.’
‘Bully for you,’ I said miserably.
‘Shall we begin?’ suggested the woman, who had been sitting quietly all the while. ‘As Mr Attick observed, this oughtn’t take long.’
‘Open and shut case,’ Leigh said.
‘My name is Helen Brody; I’m the appointed litigator for the Compound command force, of which the General is leader. Mr Keegan, you are here today, a prisoner, on suspicion of espionage. Is there anything you’d like to say?’
‘No comment,’ Attick muttered in my direction.
‘I’ve plenty I’d like to say,’ I blustered. ‘First off, can you turn up the air con in here? It’s boiling. Secondly, I’m not a spy. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I may hate this toad of a man sitting here with me—’
‘I’m doing my best,’ Attick said, wounded.
‘I mean the General,’ I sighed. ‘I may detest that oaf with every fibre of my being for what he’s done to my beloved football club, but I would never put my hatred for him over my love for my species. For my home planet. For all mankind. I’m a patriot. You ask anyone – ask Brian Laws, ask Les Reed, Robbie Martínez. They’ll tell you.’
‘That’s a very impassioned argument,’ Brody said coolly. ‘But it doesn’t change the fact that no sooner was the General’s lockdown announced, you immediately sought to leave the Compound. You, whose loyalty to his football club is known far and wide.’
‘Purely circumstantial,’ Attick said. ‘I really hope that’s not the best you’ve got.’
‘It’s more than just circumstance,’ Brody went on. ‘There is no justifiable reason why someone as committed to his role here on Palangonia as Mr Keegan would attempt to flee as soon as the news broke that there was a spy in our midst. And there’s also the question of his behaviour. Mr Keegan has been personally abusive in his language to the General on numerous occasions.’
‘Have I heck,’ I snorted, waving a hand dismissively. ‘Give me one example.’
‘You referred to him as a toad not one minute ago,’ Brody replied.
‘That was a one-time thing,’ I insisted.
‘You then went on to call him an oaf. Again, this was barely a minute ago.’
‘Figure of speech,’ I mumbled and then fell silent. Best to know when you’re beaten.
‘This still doesn’t add up to enough,’ Attick said. ‘It’ll never stand up in court. You have not a sniff of proof that my client, Mr Coogan, was—’
‘It’s bloody Keegan, come on,’ I said, exasperated.
‘—was in any way connected to this spy business. What I’m seeing here is two people with a vendetta against one another and the fact that it’s come to this sorry situation should be a cause for embarrassment on both sides.’
I felt suddenly heartened by Attick’s defence of my position. Brody seemed momentarily lost for words.
‘Do you realise quite how much of a march the L’zuhl have on the Alliance at this moment in time?’ Leigh said testily, leaning forward across the table. ‘They’re one step ahead of us with everything we do at the moment – and it’s all thanks to this damned spy.’
He glanced at me. I shrugged. Not my problem.
‘At the Battle of Fallak, they knew exactly what numbers we would be bringing and they outmatched us. We were vanquished and had to fall back. Laika was en route to the Alliance headquarters at The Oracle for a meeting of the Assembly and there was a L’zuhl assassin already in wait. Fortunately, she survived
