back in the 1950s and, after floating away into the vast darkness of the cosmos, had developed super-intelligence and an unnaturally long life. (That old chestnut.) Now, she was one of the most respected figures in the galaxy, a noted academic and decorated politician, and her guidance and leadership at the highest levels of the Alliance was crucial. It’s like when Sir Al finally retired after twenty-six years at Manchester United: lightning simply does not strike twice. Unless you’re Dave Seaman playing golf – he was struck sixteen times in one afternoon and still bought a round at the club bar afterwards. The man’s a diamond, he really is.
‘I didn’t know that about Laika,’ I said, a slightly tremulous note to my voice. ‘I’m glad she’s okay.’
‘Sure you are,’ Leigh sneered.
‘Let’s try to keep this civil,’ Brody interjected.
‘General, this still does nothing to implicate my client – these are a number of unfortunate incidents at which Mr Coogan was not even present.’
‘You want proof?’ Leigh said, suddenly looking a little rattled. ‘Did you not hear what happened just last night in the Adelphi Six sector? The Alliance moved a fifth of its arsenal there in order to use the Frelf wormhole to transport them over to The Oracle – and as soon as they arrived at Adelphi, they found a L’zuhl battalion awaiting them. Thousands upon thousands of lives were lost in the ensuing dog-fight. Mr Keegan, the spy, fed this information to them. There is no way they would have known about our strategy otherwise. This decision was made by me, at a meeting held within these four walls of the Compound just this Tuesday. By foul means, Keegan evidently infiltrated the room and passed on our plans to his paymasters.’
‘Absolute hogwash, that,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘Nowt to do with me whatsoever. You’re better than this, son.’
‘How is that proof?’ Attick asked again.
‘I know it in my bones,’ Leigh said. ‘Keegan is the spy. And I’m going to keep him rotting in that cell until I find some incontrovertible evidence. And believe me, I will find it.’
‘Well, if that’s where we’re at, that’s where we’re at,’ Attick said, folding his paperwork away and tucking his pen into the top pocket of his ridiculous shirt.
‘What, so I can go then?’ I asked. ‘I mean, he has no proof, after all.’
‘Go?’ Attick frowned. ‘Why, of course not. General Leigh is calling the shots here. Until you’re ruled out as a suspect, if indeed you ever are, you’re here at his pleasure. I can’t do anything about that.’
‘This is a travesty!’ I cried. ‘I’ve seen some injustices in my time but this takes the bloody cake!’
Leigh gave me a cold look and stood up alongside Brody.
‘It won’t be so bad, I’m sure,’ Attick said, placing a meaty, sympathetic hand on my shoulder. ‘You’ve just got to keep a positive attitude.’
‘And in the meantime, you’ll try to find proof that I’m not the spy, yeah?’ I asked hopefully.
‘What?’ He seemed genuinely surprised. ‘No, of course not. I only do this part time; I’m back at the day job this afternoon. I make birdhouses.’
I deflated like a football after an Al Shearer piledriver.
‘All the best, Mr Coogan,’ he said. ‘Tomorrow’s Friday – you’ve managed almost a working week inside already. The months and… well, yes, most probably years will fly by.’
I felt like crying right there in the interrogation room. Leigh had won. He’d destroyed Palangonia FC and now he’d broken Kevin Keegan too. I couldn’t face a fifth day inside. If the L’zuhl really were on the warpath as the General claimed, I didn’t want my fate to be sitting in a cell watching mankind crumble to nothing around me. Hearing that many thousands of lives had been lost the night before was horrifying, even without the responsibility being laid at my feet. Christ, what would my lads think of me when I copped the blame for that? I mean, it’s not like I could even— Wait one damn minute!
‘Attick!’ I cried, and my idiot lawyer/birdhouse maker paused in the doorway and looked back at me.
‘You okay?’ he asked, sounding concerned.
‘Okay?’ I asked. ‘I’m better than okay, son. I’m a free man. Get the General back here right now!’
THE LIGHT BULB
‘Kev! So happy to see you!’
Gerry fired off a party popper right in my face; I winced and pushed him away.
‘Let’s try to keep some dignity, please,’ I scolded him.
Still, it felt absolutely fantastic to walk back into my old flat again. The black-and-white striped Newcastle United wallpaper, the weird damp smell that I couldn’t shift. I was home. Gerry had crudely put up some decorations around the walls and had hung a large banner that read GOOD LUCK, KEV! which I’m pretty sure he’d recycled from the time I went on Celebrity Mastermind in 2011. That was a catastrophe by the way – no one told me you were allowed to pass on a question, so when I didn’t know the answer to the first one I just sat there in silence for two minutes.
‘You look pretty good, considering,’ Gerry observed in a backhanded-compliment sort of way. ‘I thought you’d be all emaciated and have tattoos on your face and all that.’
‘I was only in for four days,’ I said – though it had felt like a lifetime. I couldn’t help wondering how this experience would change me, the psychological damage it might have inflicted on my personality. Would I ever be the same Kevin Keegan again?
‘There’s a buffet in the kitchen,’ Gerry said, leading me through.
‘Cracking,’ I said. ‘I’ll tell you, honestly, I will love it if there are those battered prawns on sticks – love it.’
In the kitchen, to my surprise, were many more familiar faces. Alongside Barrington12 stood Rodway, who beamed as I came in. Squeezed in like sardines around the small table were all my lads – Gribble, Little Dunc, Wiggins, Nightingale and several more, including two or three whose names I’d never quite caught and was too embarrassed to ask. I was swelling with pride (and also from being a bit backed up after four stressful days in the clink). Standing in the corner holding a glass of wine was Gillian. I was astonished when she approached and gave me a peck on the cheek.
‘It’s so good to have you home,’ she said, smiling warmly. ‘I was horrified when I heard what had happened, I really was. I’d have come to visit you in there immediately, but I’ve been stuck in endless Council meetings. I repeatedly tried to call a vote to have your arrest rescinded given the flimsy evidence the General had on you, but he carries a lot of sway on the Council and boy, does he know it.’
I had to admit, I was rather surprised by this. The idea that Gillian had pulled out all the stops to try to secure my release… could that really be true? Or was she merely making excuses after the fact for her own inaction, to pretend
