to any gifts within my challenge at this time, I was a supremely miserable mum. My children put up with me spending most of my time indoors, unless I was feeling brave enough to ‘run the gauntlet’ in the supermarket, hood up, eyes down. Going out became increasingly difficult. People would try and act normally around me, but their body spoke a different message. They would start talking to me, but their eyes continually wandered to my scalp. It became obvious that many felt awkward and no one was ever brave enough to say, “What’s happened to your hair?” I’m not sure I could have held it together if they had.
My relationship with my husband deteriorated, as I became paranoid, convinced that he was permanently looking at other women and their long, glossy locks. I remember a brave family trip to a supermarket. I was absolutely sure that he was looking at a woman standing next to the Rice Krispies, admiring her thick brown curls. As we left the store, my thoughts spilled as venom from my lips, and my husband looked in disbelief at the monster raging in front of him. Saturated with emotional pain, I watched him load the shopping into the car, and contemplated leaving him. (Looking back, my perception was obviously distorted. In reality men very often fail to recognise when their wife has been to the hairdressers, let along notice a hairstyle in the cereal aisle in a supermarket.) On reflection, I know that I probably tormented my husband with my comments and my outrageous behaviour. In reality, he was always there for me, and told me time and time again that he still loved me just as I was, but his words were wasted, falling on deaf ears.
In my mind, there was no possible way that he could love someone so repulsive. The only certainty in my life right then was that I was ugly and unattractive. I couldn’t bear the thought of that being challenged. It was the only thing I knew to be true and I was livid that he wanted to take that away. Not a hope in hell, Mr Hocking.
My family and close friends were there for me throughout, but I just didn’t have the confidence to be around people. It was easier to stay at home with my children, who loved me unconditionally. My young daughter never questioned my hair loss, she just accepted it. Shutting myself away with my children, I didn’t have to talk about it. I stopped answering the phone and became an expert in hiding from people, and from life. The only relief I found was in solitude. Walking along the beach alone, with the soothing sounds of gentle waves lapping at the shore, gave me something that I needed, and that was certainty. The sand would always be there, as would the sea. Stepping into stability and what I knew was ‘real’ somehow gave me comfort. It gave me temporary relief from the negative thoughts. I would sit and gaze at the water tickling the cliffs on some days, and on others, crashing into them with a relentless force. I found comfort in the movement, and the taste of the salty spray on my lips; the very same salty spray that would once have tangled my hair. Somehow, being isolated and outdoors lessened the power of my negative thoughts and allowed me to feel a fragment of calm in my storm. My eyes often wandered to the cliffs that surrounded me in this solitude. How did they stay so strong? Some days I watched them being continuously pounded, yet they stood still and unchanged. I remember the ridiculousness of feeling ‘cliff envy’. Were I to be hit by a wave, I was sure that I would just break into a million pieces and never be seen again. These thoughts would come to mind, and then just disappear. Thoughts on the beach seemed far less intrusive or permanent. Surrounded by the sights and sounds of natural beauty, my problems somehow seemed less important.
CHANGING ROOM TIP
Solitude = Soul In Tune
In my desperation and hopelessness, I tried seeking answers. I wanted someone else to come and show me the way, thinking that if I cried, wailed, and screamed enough, someone would eventually hear. They never did. Though I eventually managed to pass through this stage (as you’ll discover), the real secret to being heard was eventually unveiled to me on a camping trip with my family a couple of years later.
It was midsummer, and we were visiting a beautiful family campsite. Surrounding the campsite itself was a large wood with huge fir trees in which play equipment such as zip wires, slides, and adventure courses had been built. There was also a safe and shallow lake, and in the middle of the lake was a huge wooden pirate ship.
Early one morning, we were informed that a small treasure chest had been hidden at the bottom of the lake. We were told that the first child to find it would be able to keep not only the chest, but the ‘treasure’ planted in it. An endless stream of children raced down to the lake, the brave ones in just their costumes, the more sensible ones wearing wetsuits. Sitting on a nearby bench, my friend and I watched as they threw themselves into the water whooping and screaming with delight. They began searching, each desperately wanting to be the winner. The water quickly turned opaque as the sediment was disturbed, and clumps of mud started to fly amongst the splashes. Intent on finding the treasure, they all searched with huge excitement and determination.
An hour later, the mist started to arrive and children began to get cold and despondently left the water, certain that no treasure had ever existed. My friend and I continued to sit and talk, lost in female conversation, watching the cold little bodies wrap themselves in towels before running back uphill, in the direction of the campsite.
It became quiet, and finding ourselves getting a little chilly and having been abandoned by our children, we stood up. Turning to pick up some wet clothes, I glanced across the now still, calm water, and noticed one remaining child, a small boy, standing in absolute stillness and peace. Captivated by his behaviour, I watched him turn his head, and slowly look around. He took a few steps forward, bent down and pulled up the chest.
Beaming with delight, he held his treasure to his heart, and scrambled out of the lake. Astounded, I approached the boy to congratulate him and questioned him as to how he found it, when there had been so many children searching for so long. He looked up at me through bright blue eyes and simply said:
“I would never have found it because the water was all churned up with mud. I thought that it would be best to stand still, and wait for the mud to settle. Then I thought that I may find the treasure.”
Oblivious to the impact of his words, he picked up his towel and skipped happily away. I stood, reflecting on his explanation.
His words have remained in my heart, and I pray that they will in yours. With negative thoughts flooding our minds, distraught and in turmoil, we unknowingly disconnect from our soul and our answers. When we stop and create the space in which the ‘dirt’ can settle, we begin to see much more clearly. With transparency it’s much easier to look within, connect with our souls, and find what we are looking for.
How do you begin to let your mud settle? How do you find your clear water? The best way is to take yourself into nature and seek solitude. Find a beautiful place that calms you and go there – alone. Let the only noises you hear be those created by nature. In solitude, your mind will quieten. This will give you relief from both anxiety and stress, enabling you to tune into your soul. Connecting with your soul creates a strong foundation on which you will stand and re-dress. Set aside even just a small amount of time each day to immerse yourself in nature. If you have many commitments, then use the ‘edges of the day’. Why not:
1. Set your alarm an hour earlier and find a space in which to absorb the beautiful sounds of the dawn chorus.
2. Find somewhere to enjoy a spectacular sunset, and know with certainty as the light disappears that it will soon return.
3. Find a way to spend time near water, beaches, lakes or rivers. The fluidity is positively reassuring and a reminder that everything moves. You are not as stuck as you think.
4. Embrace the sun, wind, and rain. A walk in the sun may be most appealing, but a blustery wind and catching raindrops on your tongue can be fun and invigorating!
5. Grab a sleeping bag, and lie out on a dark night for an hour and watch the stars. Observing
