sweeping the floor. Trying to ignore their reaction, I sat silently willing the hairdresser to stop tugging the wig with her comb. I couldn’t bear the thought of it being pulled off. Minutes later, fringe trimmed and able to see, I stepped out once more. I became aware of a tiny lightness in my heart. I didn’t feel like such a misfit.
(I am aware that this may seem indulgent and inappropriate. I know that ‘what’s on the inside is what counts’, but it really did feel that as the roots of my hair disappeared, so did the roots of my identity. Previously, I’d thought that as long as you were happy inside, nothing else mattered, which in many ways is true. It’s also true however that everything is interconnected. If having a cut and blow dry or getting your nails painted makes you feel good, then make it a regular treat! This is why you will find me at the nail salon every three weeks having my hands pampered. If it makes you feel good, do it. Just don’t rely on it for permanent happiness!)
Over the next few days, I continued to spend a lot of time at home. I still felt crippled inside but I also felt a glimmer of hope; the darkness didn’t seem quite so dark. I would stand and look at myself in the mirror, first with my wig on and then without, hoping for a sign, or an indication of who I was. I stared intensely, deep into my own eyes begging for a clue with a heavy heart, but to no avail.
One of my early wig-wearing days out in public involved taking my daughter to pre-school. I remember walking into the playground, trying to act normally but feeling as if I stuck out like a sore thumb. Trying to overcome these feelings, I made the effort to initiate conversations. Many just didn’t know what to say, and found it easier to turn their back on me, rather than talk and have to look me in the eye. On many occasions, I found myself isolated and alone. I tried convincing myself that I wasn’t being ignored, and that it was all in my head, but deep down I knew: people felt awkward around me. My true friends soon made themselves known. They were the ones that continued to talk to me just like they always had, and treat me as they had always done, which was a huge relief. And on one particular day ‘wig wearing in public’ I met the ‘amazing lady’, a total stranger who approached me and told me that she thought my hair looked stunning. She said that she would love hair just like it. I didn’t know this woman, I’d seen her only occasionally whilst walking through the school gates, but on that day she gave me two huge gifts. The first was a much-needed confidence boost, and the second was the gift of knowledge; the knowledge that just taking a few moments to compliment someone can literally change their day. (Have you ever been on the receiving end of an unexpected compliment? If so, you will understand.)
Shortly after this, one of my close friends invited me to a party at her house. At this time none of these friends had seen the new ‘wig-wearing Maria’. To say that I was apprehensive of their reaction was an understatement. Summoning every ounce of courage, I knocked at my friend’s door and as it opened, I found her husband staring at me curiously. Frozen on the spot, awaiting his reaction, I had no idea what was going through his mind on its way to his mouth. Seconds later he asked: “Who put the cauliflower on your head?” and we all burst out laughing. At that moment, I realised that I hadn’t laughed for a long, long time. With all my friends together, I soon recognised that they had no problem at all with me wearing a wig. Yes, I was the butt of many jokes, which I welcomed because it meant they weren’t feeling sorry for me. They even called it a wig-warming party. That evening was a very welcome lift and I remember it fondly.
CHANGING ROOM TIP
Look For Laughter
Sometimes laughter really is the best medicine. Laughter relieves stress, forces anxiety to go take a hike, and is a very powerful drug. Unlike medication, it becomes effective within seconds, and immediately lowers stress hormones. As laughter moves in, stress and anxiety move out!
A deep belly laugh is an instant endorphin hit which will allow you to see your situation in a more optimistic and less challenging light. It will immediately disassociate you from negative feelings, giving you relief from emotional hurt and pain. Getting re-dressed with happiness involves gradually replacing the negative thoughts resulting in negative behaviours with positive thoughts and behaviours. Laughter can help break the cycle of negative feelings so it is a welcome interruption. It creates space in which positive thoughts can grow.
I relied on laughter on many occasions during my 16 years of wig wearing. I had to. There were several incidents when my wig suddenly flew or fell off. Once, whilst disassembling a large marquee at a public event surrounded by lots of people, a large bar fell down onto my head and dragged off the wig in front of my daughter’s nine-year-old friend, who was totally unaware of my medical condition or my wig. He looked first at my head in disbelief then down at what looked like a cat that had been hit by a car lying on the grass. Completely flummoxed, as if he’d just been astounded by a magician, he finally spoke: “How the hell did that happen?” I faced a split-second choice: cry and run, or laugh. I picked up the wig, threw it back on my head, laughed, and then laughed some more. At least I was entertaining.
The most dramatic incident, which required the most laughter, was at Center Parcs with my two oldest children, who were about seven and five years old at the time. Whilst in the swimming pool, I watched my children whoop in delight as they belly skimmed down the rapids. Feeling compelled to join them in their fun, I first discreetly tightened the elastic on my wig. I then launched myself down the first flow of water, accompanied by my son and daughter. We sped around a bend, screaming and laughing, and having a whale of a time. My whale of a time soon turned into a wail from my lips as, leaving another bend, a wave of water engulfed me. Coughing and spluttering, all three of us landed in a whirlpool, circling each other at the centre of the rapids. And around us my wig was circling, a spike of hair sticking out of the water like a fin. Knowing that I didn’t like to be seen without my wig, my children looked at my head horrified then proceeded to jump on my shoulders and push me under the water so that no one else would see me. I pushed up through and gasped for air, laughing hysterically, trying to convince my offspring that it was okay. My words fell on deaf ears, because together they jumped on me again, shouting to each other, hatching a plan to try to catch the wig, arms and legs flailing in all directions. One of them eventually caught it, let me up for air and tried desperately to position it back onto my head. Barely able to breathe as I had just nearly drowned, but with tears of laughter pouring down my face, we made it as a team down to the end pool. My wig and I arrived as one, which spared the lifeguard the embarrassment of having to fish it out.
In times of despair or uncertainty, it can be challenging to find moments in which we can laugh. The great news, though, is that even forced laughter can bring benefits. Laughter Yoga for example (developed by an Indian doctor, Dr Madan Kataria) utilises this knowledge and is backed by scientific research that proves that the body cannot differentiate between real or fake laughter. Even fake laughter lowers the levels of stress hormones within the blood. Try it now. Laugh out loud for a few seconds. Notice how it makes you feel.
It can sometimes be initially difficult to consider a smile (let alone laughter) when we feel overwhelmed by circumstances, but I’m going to share with you a little secret. It’s your next changing room tip. I’m going to ask you to Mind The Gap.
CHANGING ROOM TIP
Mind The Gap
In any given situation, you have a choice with regards to your reaction. Between an event occurring and your reaction there is a ‘gap’.
Situation
The gap may only be a second or two, but it’s a gap and it’s the space where you get to choose the outcome. In that moment, you can choose to seek blame and crawl back despondently to the home of misery and stagnate. Or you can choose to face the challenge and smile or laugh to override negative
