create more joy, happiness, and fulfillment for athletes, helping them to perform at higher levels
• cultivate independence, interdependence, and confidence in those you lead
• encourage athletes to turn to you in times of crisis, rather than to outsiders or drugs
• nurture self-esteem in others and in yourself
• be respectful and sensitive to athletes’ needs
• express anger or irritations without causing emotional damage
• become more accepting, flexible, and balanced in your coaching and in your life in general
• create a culture of winning and excellence in sports and life in general
• teach those you lead to prepare, plan, play, and compete with the heart of a warrior
• win the relationship game before winning the athletic game
• step outside the box and be more creative and dynamic in your coaching
• develop ways to inspire and empower others to find inner motivation to go the distance.
PART ONE
WISDOM TO INSPIRE
LEARNING EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
The late great national championship coach Jim Valvano once said that “most people work by going to an office, I’ve been blessed…I get to coach.” Having coached in some capacity for the past 34 years, I also feel blessed. If you are a coach, manager, mentor, parent, or leader in any arena of life—or aspire to become one—you are very fortunate and blessed as well. Coaching, I believe, is not a job; it is a most important calling, a sacred and vital activity where we have been given the fortunate opportunity and privilege to guide and mentor others in a nurturing, selfless, passionate environment, instilling in them the profound sense that they can be something other than ordinary. This calling may very well be one of the most compelling, significant, and honorable paths one could travel in a lifetime, the opportunity to cultivate and develop in others deep spiritual qualities of inspiration, excitement, fortitude, enthusiasm, loyalty, balance, courage, and self-reliance. Wow…can you imagine this? With such characteristics, those we coach experience authentic growth and development on the physical, emotional, and spiritual plane. This is not only possible but inevitable for anyone under the leadership of one who coaches with heart. In order to coach with heart we must nurture and develop in ourselves the same traits that we wish to instill in those we coach and lead. Traditionally, the work of a coach has been steeped in the left hemisphere of the brain, giving little or no attention to these heart-based attributes of their work and performance. I notice that good coaches are looking for ways to get help to coach with heart. They understand that without heart, a tone is set with a team, an organization, a family or individual that is often unloving, uncaring, and spiritless in a “results-driven” culture. Compare this to the cultures under the guidance of highly successful leaders and coaches such as a Dean Smith or a John Wooden and you will see that these brilliant leaders have much love in their coaching, not of the romantic nature but love demonstrated by deep caring, warmth, positive regard, respect, and compassion, all essential absolutes for coaching and leading with heart.
The good news is that these essential absolutes, this skill-set of interpersonal tools, is not innate and can be taught and learned with practice. According to the science of neuro-plasticity, this skill-set is trainable; you can intentionally change how your brain functions to more positive, caring, and cooperative ways. This is what we will attempt to accomplish together in this book. These learned skills are often referred to as Emotional Intelligence (EI). All extraordinary coaches possess EI. In his bestselling book, Search Inside Yourself, Chade-Meng Tan talks extensively about EI as the essential ingredient that makes good leaders into great leaders. He points out that 80% of effective leadership qualities are made up from emotional intelligence and continues to emphasize that the most single, significant factor that differentiates top level leaders from the bottom is their handle on the interpersonal skill piece. It was what I experienced with Coach Dean Smith during my visit. EI makes all of us better, more effective leaders enabling each of us to make a difference with so many in our lives.
IN THE SPIRIT OF COACHING
Perhaps the two most important questions on this quest (quest-ions) that must be asked by all of us before we continue along this path are: First, why do you do what you do? This relates to the motivation underlying your work. Second, what is your purpose and intention? The answers to each of these deeply spiritual queries will serve as beacons or lighthouses on the horizon that will keep you on target. These questions require you to dig down deep inside and search for a higher purpose, one that ultimately relates to the spirituality of coaching.
My approach and assumption is that coaching is a human endeavor, one of creating healthy, enthusiastic, passionate athletes and teams. Athletes and coaches are spiritual in nature, have bodies, minds, hearts, and aspirations. We are all spiritual beings having an athletic experience, as opposed to athletes and coaches having a spiritual experience. The more I include the whole person in my coaching, the more effective, satisfied, and successful I am. Spirituality plays a significant role in my coaching effectiveness as I continue to help others transform their view of sports and its role in the full development of all who participate. It is this spirituality of coaching that enables me to inspire and empower those whom I lead. Oren Lyons, leader, caretaker, and faith keeper of the Native American Tradition and a member of the Onondaga Council of Chiefs, claims that you can’t have effective leadership without spirituality. In the absence of spirituality, you have a one-dimensional approach which is called the absence of heart.
Highly effective coaches are dual-dimensional in their leadership. First, they incorporate the necessary Xs and Os, details, strategic planning, technical information, and other essential cognitive absolutes that cover the physical aspects of their sport. Then, dancing between these essentials (see introduction for more on this) is the inspiration, the empowerment, the caring, respect, positive regard, and most importantly, trust and compassion, all those affective spiritual elements of the heart. These coaches are leaders who, through strong relationships, manage to guide their athletes to “go the distance” and realize their full potential in sport. It is no different than guiding your children as a good parent. The ancient Taoist sage, Sun-Tzu, author of the classic book, The Art of War, reminds us how to get the most from others by leading with heart:
“Regard your soldiers as your children, and they may
follow wherever you lead. Look upon them as your
beloved sons and they will stand by you until death.”
His message of the heart to all generals, heads of state, and other leaders is as relevant in today’s world of coaching as it was when he wrote this classic over two thousand years ago. Of the two dimensions it is this spiritual heart-related dimension that this book addresses. I aim to demonstrate ways that we can be better able to make the connection and dance between both dimensions and begin to be more open, trusting, vulnerable, confident, and aware that we are part of a larger game, greater than the one we coach. With the spirituality of coaching as a guiding light for our leadership, athletics becomes a conduit for inner growth, change, and expansion for those
