may in turn accentuate the negative aspects of school for children and interfere with their enjoyment of school, elevating their risk for emotional disengagement” (p. 202).
When teachers take the time to develop relationships with students, students feel more comfortable communicating with teachers and sharing information that may impact their learning. Healthy relationships also promote curiosity and increase the level of student engagement. Researchers assert that relationship building is at the heart of good teaching (Perry, 2013), and teachers who are flexible and can shift their interactions based on students’ emotional needs are much more successful (Warshof & Rappaport, 2013). In addition, young students’ relationships with teachers “reflect the quality of the emotional connection between the two parties, and these relationships play an important role in shaping students’ experience and adjustment in school” (Uslu & Gizir, 2017, p. 66).
Fatih Koca’s (2016) findings support the key role of teacher-student relationships in students’ motivation to learn and their school adjustment:
Positive teacher-student relationships can lead to a warm classroom environment that facilitates successful adaptation in school and increases student motivation to learn. In contrast, conflictual teacher-student relationships are associated with lower achievement and self-esteem as well as ongoing relational conflict with both teachers and peers. Children with whom teachers report positive relationships are outgoing and more socially competent. High-quality relationships between teachers and their students enhance classroom learning and motivation by building a safe and supportive classroom context for students to open up and take intellectual risks. (p. 8)
What It Looks Like in the Real World
As the research demonstrates, there are endless benefits to healthy, strong, and appropriate teacher-student relationships. The academic, social, and emotional benefits of building relationships with students should motivate every teacher to want to do so.
Many teachers begin the school year with the intention of building relationships. They may be successful doing so with a few, some, many, or all their students. On the other hand, some teachers’ efforts are thwarted. When this occurs, teachers can continue with subtle acts of kindness toward the students and wait for them to come around. Those students who still do not respond may show an intentional lack of interest in the teacher’s attempts to connect with them. When that happens, the teacher may continue to work to build the relationship or just say “Forget it” and proceed through the rest of the school year with a “Let’s just get through this as best we can” mentality.
But these unresponsive students are likely the ones who need connection the most. Although their initial behavior and attitude may send the message that they do not care, they want to be cared about and accepted. Perhaps they perceive adults negatively based on past occurrences. In many cases, they placed trust in an authority figure who let them down, and they have zero desire to repeat the experience. This presents a challenge for educators and requires considerable patience and perseverance.
Educators and teachers are some of the most resilient people you’ll meet, possessing qualities of strength and determination. Does this describe you? Know this: even when the task is difficult—perhaps especially when the task is difficult—the potential for amazing outcomes is worth it. Maintain optimism and frame the challenge as an opportunity for life-changing success. No matter how adamantly these students attempt to push teachers away, they will so greatly appreciate knowing that their teachers care for them that they may develop an unwavering loyalty in return.
To get to this place, the teacher has to have not only the will but also a relationship-building mindset to prevent him or her from throwing in the towel when times get tough. We as educators have to know that we do have the ability to connect with and role-model for our students. When we have the right mindset and refuse to give up, then we do not look at other alternatives or accept any other options; we keep trying until we are successful. This is the same mindset people adopt when they set a goal that they truly want to accomplish.
I set a goal to go to college, graduate, and become a physical education teacher. The first couple of years of college were difficult for me. I did not feel that I was properly prepared for college work. Much of that was my own fault; I was not a model student in high school. When I first arrived at college, the amount of work and the degree of difficulty overwhelmed me. I also experienced culture shock. This environment was completely different from that of my youth, and I knew absolutely no one on campus. When progress reports came out, I was nearly failing every class.
I wondered whether I was cut out for this and considered leaving. I was ready to drop out of school. I called my uncle who I regularly turned to for advice. He was a veteran Chicago police officer, and he gave me a talk that determined the projection of my future. I told him I wanted to drop out, and he asked me what my plan would be if I did. I told him that I could be a barber because I was good at cutting hair or a police officer like him. He then told me that I needed to “burn my ship.” Confused, I could only respond, “What?”
My uncle then shared the story of Spanish conquistador Hernán Cortés who led an expedition that caused the fall of the Aztec Empire and brought large portions of what is now mainland Mexico under the rule of the King of Castile in the early 16th century. “Burn the ship” was born from an idea that originated in 1519 during the battle at Tlaxcala, where Cortés’s army subdued the Tlaxcalans. That year, Cortés set sail to Veracruz, Mexico, with his crew. Upon arrival, Cortés’s men became weary and scared, with hopes of retreating home.
As legend has it, Cortés had the men burn their ships, leaving no option but to fight for their lives. Their ability to retreat to safety and their previous way of life was gone; their safety net had been removed. They fought with all they had to win the battle because their lives depended on it. This victory eventually led to the fall of the Aztec Empire and Cortés established himself as the absolute ruler of a huge territory extending from the Caribbean Sea to the Pacific Ocean (Innes, n.d.).
After my uncle shared this inspiring and heartfelt story with me, I buckled down. I told myself that I would not, and could not, give up! I put any thoughts and ideas about returning home out of my mind; I “burned my ship.” I started attending tutoring sessions. I stayed up late to study and complete assignments. I taught myself how to type. I made sure that I was never absent from class. I participated more frequently in class and in group work. Instead of partying every weekend, I went to the library or the computer lab. I applied myself, my grades improved, and my momentum built. I started believing in myself. When I finally earned my college degree, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment and developed a determined mindset: if it is worth having, then it is worth working for.
This is the type of mindset educators must bring to the challenge of building trusting relationships with students at risk. We do not always know the right answers, but we have to persevere. Just as students in the classroom need to work to learn new concepts and master new skills, educators must work to understand students and figure out how to support and connect with them. We may not know what difficulty a particular student has, or what happened to the student, but we know that we have the power to make a difference. The reward is greater than the challenge. Realizing the goal means feeling that tremendous sense of accomplishment while enhancing students’ lives. Our lives and the students’ lives will mutually benefit as we forge and develop relationships that are worth every ounce of work that goes into them.
To develop a relationship-building mindset, think about how your relationships with your students can be enhanced. Picture the ones who are at risk academically or display challenging behaviors and have avoided your previous attempts to establish a trusting relationship with them. Imagine how their achievement or behavior would improve if you had a connection with them. Now set a goal of establishing a relationship with these students, allowing reasonable time for this to be accomplished.
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