of good communication—if we cannot talk to someone without getting upset, then we will be really lousy at communicating with people even if we have intelligent points to make. Intelligence is not wisdom. Letting go of expectations, and therefore, letting go of the concept of “should,” helps us let go of righteous anger, which makes it much easier to verbalize our thoughts.
Don’t let your expectations sabotage your relationship and your happiness.
Don’t Let Resentment Eat Away at Your Relationship
<Awareness>
All of us communicate using much more than just what we say or hear. Even without words, we are always communicating through the energy and vibe we bring to a space, and these are a direct manifestation of our thoughts. If we have expectations, it’s no use saying we don’t have them, because our thoughts always manifest in a vibration that can be felt by the other person.
When we have expectations of how our partner should be, our partner will feel like they’re constantly being measured according to some sort of benchmark or ideal. As a result, they will feel judged. When they feel judged, it will cause them to feel resentful. We, in turn, can feel their resentment and resistance, and we will feel more and more frustrated about why it is becoming so much more difficult to be happy together.
This is why we can love someone so deeply and do so much for them, yet our relationships don’t improve, because no matter how much we love someone, as long as we are holding onto our expectations, the judgement, resentment, and resistance going both ways can always be felt in a relationship.
This is why even when someone says “sorry” to you, you may get even more upset because you feel like they are holding onto resistance about the thing for which they are apologizing, and that makes you feel like their apology is not sincere. It is why you can keep telling someone you love them without your beloved feeling happy about it, because while you are expressing your love, they can also feel the underlying resentment you still have simmering away.
This is due to the fact that we nonverbally communicate our expectations, judgements, resentment, and resistance more loudly than the words we say out loud. We can feel the unhappiness our partner has toward us and vice versa—it’s why both parties become more defensive and less willing to give.
This rings true in any kind of relationship, be it a relationship with a partner, family members, or our colleagues at work. It is the reason why we can put so much effort into being nice to someone—even sacrificing for the person—yet not see any improvement in the relationship. When resentment is present, no matter how hard we try, things deteriorate instead of improve.
In the first few years of my marriage with Yuri, the resentments we both carried showed up through small, everyday things, and when we tried to talk about it, we couldn’t do it without arguing. It was why we could spend hours talking yet not really ever progress very far.
You can love someone, but they may not feel loved because they can feel your disapproval and judgement. This was the reason why Yuri and I didn’t feel like we were supported or loved—we could also feel the underlying vibe of disapproval when one person didn’t measure up to what the other one expected. Even though we didn’t intentionally set out to make the other person feel like they weren’t good enough, that feeling was what naturally brought up a reaction of resentment. Expectations lead to resentment, and resentment always leads to judgement.
Love is essential in a relationship, but no matter how much we love someone, it will be difficult to have a happy relationship if we have expectations evoking resentment that eats away at the love.
To Talk Instead of Argue, Be Curious Instead of Accusatory
<Understanding>
One of my good friends, Mark, met the love of his life in London. Mark is Malaysian, and Sarah is Scottish. They have very similar values in life, which serves as a wonderful foundation for their relationship, but as far as background and culture go, they are as different as can be. As you can imagine, miscommunication and misunderstandings are hard to avoid.
Although Mark has been living in the UK for more than a decade, he is still very Asian in his beliefs, preferences, and habits, while Sarah is very Western in hers. For example, Mark gave Sarah all sorts of advice from the moment they started seriously dating. He would say what he thought she should or shouldn’t do, as well as what was or wasn’t a good idea in his opinion.
“The advice thing was really hard to get my head around, especially at the beginning!” Sarah told me when I asked her about it. “In my culture, as well as in my family, as an adult, people don’t give unsolicited advice unless you’re about to make some sort of very serious mistake that will cause huge problems!”
Sarah couldn’t figure it out at first. Was Mark offering advice because he was pushy? Was it because he felt she wasn’t capable enough to think for herself?
Meanwhile, Mark couldn’t figure out why Sarah would get so defensive or upset every time he tried to offer advice. He felt like she didn’t appreciate his efforts and support. It wasn’t until many heated conversations later that they each finally started to understand where the other was coming from.
“For Mark, he was giving advice to show that he cared, loved me, and wanted to help me find the best possible solution or conclusion. What I was hearing when he gave me advice was the implication that I was about to make such a big mistake that he had to intervene,” Sarah explained.
In the Asian culture, there is a tendency for family to poke their noses into each other’s affairs, and people generally perceive it as a reflection of love and caring. You’d always hear aunties saying, “Eat this, it’s good for you! You’re too skinny, you should eat more!” or “You’re getting fat, cut down!” In a Western context, this can be seen as disrespect or distrust.
Now that he’s aware of this, Mark consciously tries to offer less advice, because he really does trust and respect Sarah’s judgement. “But when he does say something,” she tells me, “I try to take it in the spirit that it is intended and not be defensive.”
Mark shared his thoughts too. “Just putting it out there—some people are generally just more comfortable with receiving advice than others. So I’m not sure if it’s purely a cultural difference or perhaps just a personal preference.”
That’s a good point. Race and culture aside, Mark and Sarah also had family conditioning that led to different expectations of what it means to convey love. Sarah’s family, and her dad in particular, had encouraged her to think for herself. They were always there to help when she needed it, but she grew up feeling that her parents trusted her capabilities and skills to figure out how to solve her own problems.
Mark has been giving advice to his brothers for as long as he can remember, and it was always welcomed and appreciated. He felt his brothers trusted him when he gave advice.
When you factor in the intricacies of family culture, they both had very many different expectations of what trust, support, and love mean.
According to Sarah, this was just one of the many things they had to adjust to in their relationship. They candidly shared, “It will probably always be something that we have to work at. But being able to talk about it and understand that things sometimes don’t translate the way we expect them to has been really helpful.”
Mark and Sarah’s very obvious cultural differences may easily lead to misunderstandings, but it can also lead to easier understanding. Because they look so different, they are constantly reminded that
