what is “good” on people without realizing that we are projecting our expectations upon them. When people—strangers, colleagues, friends, and especially family—behave in ways that are different from our standards, we get upset because we genuinely don’t see why they wouldn’t embrace something that makes so much sense (to us).
However, we forget that what makes sense to one person may not make sense to another person. When we think that someone “has no common sense,” we usually get frustrated at the person. However, how can a different person with a different background and a different personality have the exact same “normal” as we do? Common sense is not common precisely because what is common to me may not be common to you. To expect otherwise is to cause our own suffering.
The guiding principles we believe in drive how we conduct our lives, how we treat others, how professional we are at work, and how we love; and we tend to hold others to the same benchmarks. This is why it’s very instinctive for us to think, “If you love me, you would know this” or “Geez, if I were him, I wouldn’t have done that!” because we always compare others to what we ourselves would or wouldn’t do.
So much of our misery and suffering comes from how we insist the world should be. If you think about it, we only get upset at someone who is behaving in a way that we wouldn’t behave. “He’s so unkind!” (I am a kind person.) “How could she have done that?!” (I would have the sense not to do that.)
Yet if you ask yourself about whether it’s logical to expect people to do what you would do, to think the way you would think, and to behave as you would behave…you’d see that there is little possibility that over seven billion people in this world can be like you; which means that it is even more illogical to get upset when we meet people who are not like us.
Part 2
Perspective
We all know that everyone is different. Why then, do we get so angry or experience such disbelief when people behave differently than ourselves?
The answer lies in how we perceive people and the world. Based on the fact that we all exist as human beings in the same universe, most of us subconsciously perceive that every human being is sharing the same reality and adhering to the same rules.
This means that, in our minds, we see ourselves as individuals living in one giant house, under the same roof. Refer to The Expectation Circle 1: What we subconsciously assume.
The Expectation Circle 1: What we subconsciously assume
This is why, even as we say we understand that people are different, we still get upset when we experience how different people are. It is because we feel like they are exhibiting behaviors that are not in line with the “house rules and standards”!
While it is true that we all live in the same universe, what is also true is this: Each individual human being has their own thoughts. Only we can experience our thoughts, so in a way, our thoughts create our own reality. Which means, there isn’t one giant reality where seven billion of us all coexist together—what is more accurate is that there are close to seven billion different realities in this universe. It’s like how every single person is living in their own house with their own rules.
The Expectation Circle 1.1: What is more accurate
In my reality, the rules and what is considered normal might be the exact opposite of your rules and what you consider normal in your reality. This is why when we think someone should or shouldn’t do something, it’s incredibly foolish, because it indicates that we think that our normal is more normal than someone else’s normal, not understanding that in their reality, we are the ones who are abnormal.
Why are we drawn to certain people, and why do we get along with them so well? The easy answer is that it’s because we have many things in common. But when we examine it more closely, it is because the rules in their reality are similar to those in ours.
You, your family members, and your best friends share many similar values and perspectives such as integrity, kindness, and respect, and this is where a big part of their reality overlaps with yours. The parts that overlap are where we feel in sync with someone—“Yeah, this person gets me.”
The Expectation Circle 1.2: Your circle of influence
The thing is, no single human reality ever completely overlaps that of another, because no two people are exactly the same. Even siblings or other family members who share vastly similar ideals, values, and beliefs have parts of their realities that don’t intersect. It is these nonintersecting parts of personal realities that cause disagreements and arguments.
A big part of why we fall in love with someone is because the person’s reality overlaps with ours. This is where we feel the most comforted, loved, safe, and happy. However, even when two people are in love, there are parts of their realities that don’t overlap—this is why we can have such explosive fights with a partner and get so upset when they don’t understand and don’t agree with us.
Now, think of the people with whom you don’t get along—people who you think have no common sense or whose behavior you do not respect. These are people whose realities have no overlap with yours. They are so different from us, they are like aliens! These are the people who we frustratingly think must be from another planet. This is where thoughts and accusations like, “I can’t believe you said that!” or “How could you do this?!” often surface in a communication, creating a downward spiral that is fueled by angry disbelief.
The Expectation Circle 1.3: Your relationship with people
And guess what? From the alien’s point of view…you are the alien. Because in their reality, they also have families and friends who overlap with their reality, so to this other person, you are the one who is absolutely foreign.
The Expectation Circle 1.4: Your relationship with people
It is often our disbelief at another person’s words and actions that makes us angry, but when we understand that our normal is not someone else’s normal, it is easier for us to see how it is completely possible (and only logical!) for another human being not to see our point and vice versa.
So much of what blocks the way to our happiness is born out of our expectations of people. One of the main reasons why we are negatively affected by others is because we think they are not behaving as we think they should. It is this thinking that causes our suffering, rather than those other people causing our unhappiness.
The path to happiness lies in not forgetting that our beliefs, values, principles, and opinions are our own guiding principles, meant to guide us in our lives. They are not there for us to use to judge and become upset at those who have a differing or opposite way of thinking and living. There is no “should” in the way people are. There is only how we want to live our lives.
My husband likes to say, “Strong beliefs held loosely,” and I think that it’s a wonderful way of living life: with a strong foundation of beliefs that are not held so tightly that we become unable to see anything
