a friend about expectations in a relationship and the subject of reasonable expectations came up. “Most expectations aren’t good for a relationship,” he said, “unless they are reasonable ones.”
“For example, I would expect my wife to take turns picking up our kid from school, because that’s part of the responsibility of being a parent,” he explained.
“But if you guys didn’t talk about it beforehand, how would she know it’s an expectation?” I asked.
“Some things are obvious, like picking up your kid from school is something she should know as a mother.”
When first considered, expecting one’s partner to voluntarily split the duties when it comes to raising a child is perfectly reasonable. However, one person’s definition of responsibility can be very different from that of another, and just because we are in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean that our definitions of responsibility and good parenting will automatically merge. The problem here isn’t who should do what, or whose definition of responsibility is more accurate—it is the fact that we assume that it’s not necessary to talk about some things. It made me wonder: how many thoughts are there in our heads that we don’t discuss with our partners? What are all the expectations we have that are not communicated because we think that they are “obvious”?
One of the most dangerous mindsets is the belief that a relationship implies certain unspoken rules. There are no unspoken rules in the human realm—even when you love someone, it doesn’t mean that you and your partner will suddenly have identical ideas about what is common sense, nor will you both suddenly develop the same perspectives, standards, and beliefs. If something is important to you, then it’s important for you to speak about it.
Common sense is not common, because what is common to me is not common to you. We are different people from different backgrounds with different experiences, all of which have shaped us into who we are today. Multiracial or multicultural relationships may outwardly demonstrate how two people are inherently different, but the truth is that we are all inherently different. Even if you and I are from the exact same race and culture, what is common in my household, in my upbringing, and in the depths of my mind is not necessarily what is common in your household, your upbringing, and the depths of your mind.
Just because someone loves us, it doesn’t mean that they will automatically know, understand, or even agree with what is in our minds and hearts.
When a partner doesn’t do something we believe they should do, we create our own suffering when we immediately equate this with lack of concern on their part and conclude, “He doesn’t care enough, that’s why he didn’t do it,” or “She is irresponsible for not doing that,” because that is not the absolute truth—it only seems that way from the perspective of our reality.
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