physically, but because she accepted her situation, she was able to go through live with peace of mind and live each day with happiness.
Later, my mom, too, went through menopause. I was staying with my mom then, so it was literally closer to home, and I could see how difficult some days were for my mom. Yet, like my grandmother, my mom was able to accept the waves of depression that came with menopause. Even now, when she has days that aren’t particularly good, she just tells herself that her feelings of depression are a hormonal imbalance caused by menopause and that this is just another part of her life process.
When we think about fighting depression, fighting for survival, or fighting for happiness, it is almost instinctive to fight with a refusal to accept our circumstances. Acceptance can be seen as weak or passive, but in truth, it takes someone extremely strong to accept a situation they cannot change and to learn to find a way around that. A fighting spirit comes not from resistance but acceptance. This is because our fight against our negative emotions and the challenges we face isn’t about crashing against the waves and going against the current—the way to fight successfully lies in the ability to accept the situation and the reality of what is happening, without the “if onlys” and “what ifs.”
We might not like our reality, but we should understand that if we keep wishing that our reality was different, it doesn’t mean that we’re actually fighting it, it means that we’re resisting. We cannot be focused on being strong or moving forward when we are occupied with pushing back.
My mom fought her depression, but she did it by accepting it and telling herself that it was just temporary. My mom explained to me that while she might be feeling depressed, she was not in depression. To her, this was a very important difference. My mom accepted her feelings of depression, but not for one second did she allow depression to be her identity.
There was no denial or resistance to how she felt during that time, and because of that, it was easier for her to see that she was more than her depression.
Acceptance is the best way to win a fight.
Winning in life isn’t about achieving a goal or reaching a destination, winning in life is about having a quality of life while we are pursuing our goals and dreams. Our quality of life is much more linked to our peace of mind than it is to what we have or don’t have.
This is the main reason why my grandmother and mother are able to feel depressed yet happy at the same time, because they see that happiness is more than a feeling, it is a state of peace and contentment. Both of these women are an inspiration, as they are an example of how we can all always value ourselves no matter how we feel.
It’s Okay to Be Not Okay
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When we are physically injured, everyone can see it; most people will even have sympathy for a physical injury, like when we have a broken arm or leg. But when we’re mentally and emotionally hurt, it’s something that people cannot see. And because of the lack of tangible evidence, it is so much harder to actually explain and justify our unhappiness, even to ourselves.
No one thinks they are “not normal” when they have a fever, yet we’ll ask ourselves if we’re “not normal” when we feel depressed.
One of the problems with happiness is the way we view unhappiness. We seem to see unhappiness as “not normal.” But there is no normal state of being—to be human is to experience all emotions: happiness and sadness, joy and grief.
So many of us think that when we’re not happy, something is wrong. We take note of the times we feel sad, down, and depressed, and we allow these experiences and feelings to make us believe that our life isn’t very valuable. We don’t think it consciously, but the despair we feel comes from a sense of worthlessness, where it becomes hard to see the meaning of our lives.
We do not look down upon a child born without arms or a person who is deaf, we don’t pity them or treat them with disdain; we see them as they are—human beings who can make choices about how they want to live their lives. So why would we see our own sadness or depression as a disability that is crippling us? It’s just part of who we are. There’s nothing wrong with us when we don’t feel happy.
No matter how dark the days get, no matter how difficult it is to just get through another day, remember that you are human and that human beings have to face and resolve many issues in life. Sometimes, we have to live with the issues we cannot solve.
One thing is clear—the solutions to problems, including those of physical and mental pain, don’t come from hating ourselves or hating our own lives. There is always a reason for the sadness we feel, and we need to examine the source. If it’s something we can work on ourselves, then we can practice letting go and removing what is stopping us from being able to access our happiness. If it’s not something we can do on our own, we can seek professional help.
When you’re not feeling well, remember that you are not lacking or stupid or weak—you are human, and your mind or body is telling you it needs some help, along with a lot of understanding and loving kindness from you.
I talked about this with my mom, who faces a few health challenges in life that cause her pain and physical discomfort. Despite what she experiences, she has always been happy with her life. She faces her challenges by taking actions to put things right and not fighting the situation that already exists.
My mom is human, so there are days where she feels emotionally affected and down. Some nights, she has anxiety attacks that keep her up. When things are difficult, it is her ability to be able to experience discomfort or pain without suffering that give her the ability to be at peace and to be happy.
The choice to not suffer isn’t just a feeling, it’s a practice. I’ve seen my mom going through the different stages of acceptance over the years; it takes practice to accept, let go, and be at peace.
When we experience hardships, it doesn’t matter that we can’t immediately change how we feel toward them. We may go through a process of wishing that things were different, and from there, move forward with trying to accept our situation, and then one day, find ourselves able to truly be at peace with something that used to bother us. It is as it is.
The practice of acceptance does not start with ignoring the fact that we are unhappy, pretending that we don’t feel depressed, nor with brushing away or burying all the difficult emotions we feel. In fact, it’s the opposite—we can only make the choice to not suffer if we can fully acknowledge what we’re feeling without denial, and most importantly, without guilt, blame, or resentment.
Having seen my grandmother and my mom go through this, it is evident that being at peace even through pain is not merely wishful thinking but a definite possibility. This always reminds me of how we all have such a huge capacity to appreciate and value our lives even when we don’t feel our best.
Our lives do not become less valuable when we suffer, and this is what we need to remember on the days when it’s difficult to be happy. Don’t let your definition of happiness be based on the feeling you have when everything is going well and there are no problems.
The path on which life takes us is not up to us to dictate and control. Even when we take care of our health, we can still fall ill. Even when we are the nicest and kindest people we are able to be, we can still get hurt. Where there is pleasure, there is always displeasure. Where there is excitement, there is always boredom. Where there is health, there is always sooner or later illness as well. Where there is love, there is always heartbreak.
This is the way life is.
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