trials. There were some people who loved that book and some who hated it. Thanks to the wonder of email, everyone tells me exactly what he or she thinks. Some offered suggestions that were anatomically impossible, even for a yoga instructor. But most asked questions and offered ideas that inspired this book. So thanks to you, the reader for constructive feedback.
There were a lot of people who aren't addicts or alcoholics but who loved the book and helped me push it on their own time and trouble: Patton Oswalt, Dana Gould, Adam Spiegelman, Jesse Thorn, and Stephen Elliott. Thanks so much, guys!
Thanks to all those I interviewed for this book, whether you ended up being included or not. Literally, I couldn't have done it without you.
Thanks to the Lucky Penny crew for all the ideas you don't know you gave me, and for helping me learn the value of fellowship in sobriety.
Thanks to my sponsor, L. for being the soccer coach when I need it and the drill sergeant when that is called for. I really will call you more often. I swear.
INTRODUCTION
FROM GET UP TO STILL STANDING
The last book I wrote, Get Up, was meant to inspire people to give 12-Step recovery another chance, or a first chance, as well as to encourage them to stick with it when it became difficult. With this book, I want to help people beyond that phase and into the next phase. Now that you've found a 12-Step group and gotten your act together, what do you do?
Get Up talks about the 12 steps and the misconceptions people have about how the whole thing works. Still Standing is for people who are already in a program of some kind and might need a nudge.
The obvious first problem addicts and alcoholics have with 12- Step programs is that they don't join. Showing up for the first time is necessary. That's the problem I tackled in Get Up.
The second problem that addicts and alcoholics face is that they don't stick with the program. One of two things happens here: they relapse and are out drinking and using, or they quit going to meetings, what we call white-knuckling it.
Relapse comes in many forms. I'm fascinated with it. I've seen both newcomers and old timers go out. What makes someone relapse when they have a lot of time in a program? Why isn't the success rate 100%? Seems like somebody would have figured this out by now. If you look at how much the world and technology has changed since the advent of the 12-Step process, it's astounding. Yet we've still not come up with anything better for long-term treatment of addiction.
The relapses that are easy to understand are the ones that come when people are just a few days clean and sober, before a full detox. The physical pull is so strong. All you have to do to make it go away is get your fix, have your drink, whatever it is.
Then there are the social problems people have that make them relapse. If drugs and alcohol are in your house, it's going to be hard to stay away. If your relationships revolve around using, you're going to have trouble. If your lifestyle or your job puts you in front of drugs and alcohol, whether you're a rock star or a drug dealer, it's going to be hard on you.
The relapses that baffle me and scare me the most are the ones people have after a long time in a program. They work the steps, they attend meetings, they change their life, yet one day, they go out.
I can't find a surefire formula to explain why a person with a long time goes out. It's definitely a case by case basis. Sometimes the person can point to an event, and sometimes it just seems to happen without a reason.
After Get Up came out, I received a lot of emails from people who were going back after being away. Some of them were relapsed, and some were disheartened with the program of their choice. I got a lot of questions and was asked for advice on topics I didn't know about. So I, in turn, asked other people.
That's how this book came about. Still Standing covers the rough part of sobriety/recovery: living it. Anyone can get it in a good facility. Living it will take a strong spiritual and emotional core.
CHAPTER 1
GETTING SOBER VERSUS LIVING SOBER
Anyone can get sober. If you have the money or the right insurance, you can go to some really nice detox and rehab facilities. They'll get you sober. They'll clean you out. You'll probably even enjoy it. One of the only consistent complaints I hear from people in such programs is about having to get up early every day. People of all types have this problem: the early rising. Getting sober is not the hard part. Living sober is what's difficult. Getting through each day, getting through the rough moments, the hard patches, the trying times, that's what's hard. We hear and say in the meetings to “practice these principles in all our affairs,” but what does that mean really?
Living sober is against instinct. We've learned to live drunk, high, and wasted. The way you act in a crack house is not the way you act at the DMV. The way you react to a rude asshole in a bar is not the way you react to a rude asshole at work. What we've learned in order to protect ourselves, our possessions, and our stash is not helpful to the rest of our lives; actually, acting in these ways will ruin our lives. I don't think it's the big things in life that are going to take me out. It's the little things that make me feel like I'm losing my mind. I've been through deaths and breakups and job losses sober. Love, death, and money trouble are the big three dramas in our lives. Those things are so obvious to drink over that I never would. It's such an ordinary excuse.
Steps and Anti-Steps
When the big ones happen, that's when I get super into the program stuff. I call people. I have special themed meetings with my sponsor. I go to new meetings. I go to meetings more often. I work the Tenth Step rigorously. I divide all parts of life into two camps based on the Serenity Prayer. When the big things happen, that's when I'm at my best program-wise, which is why I don't think I'll ever relapse over one of those.
It's like having a really sharp knife. You never cut yourself with it, because every time you pick it up, you're super careful with it. You respect the danger of the situation. However, with a dull knife, you cut tomatoes while holding them in your hand, you peel apples while watching television. That's when you cut off a finger.
Love, death, and money trouble are the big three dramas in our lives. Those things are so obvious to drink over that I never would. It's such an ordinary excuse.
The tiny traumas are what we should look out for. It's the little things that get in the way of my life. Things like missing the bus, a coworker sending me a snotty email, or a friend flaking out on me can put me in a bad mindset. A car splashes gutter water on me. My shoelace comes untied in the subway station bathroom and drags through the floor, soaking up the pee of strangers from around the world. The smelly guy sits next to me on the train, then cracks open a can of malt liquor. Nothing huge in the big picture, but in the moment, those are some fucked up situations.
I can easily slip into the mindset that the world is out to get me. Bad things happen to me and no one else. I can feel the world plotting against me. People are trying to get over on me. This mindset can affect how I treat every situation and person I see thereafter. This mindset usually reasons and thinks like I did when I was on a self-righteously indignant bender. It's the drunk me that a lot of people refer to as stinkin' thinkin'. Getting stuck in this headspace is what eventually takes a lot of people
