counts her relationship with her higher power as the foundation of her career. “Comedy is a gift that's bestowed on me. I say ‘God, be funny through me and I'll get out of the way.’
“When I get the Fuck-Its, I really think about the consequences of using. I'm married; it would fuck that up. I have epilepsy; I'll have a seizure if I do speed again. I just know it's not going to work. I think back to the last times I used. It always ends with me in the psych ward or the hospital. If I still feel like I have the Fuck-Its, I wait it out. I go to a meeting. I share, and it passes.
“I think back to that first year. I don't want to go through that again. It was the hardest thing I've ever done,” Amy concludes.
Most of the successful comics I've met have been really nice people, but on the way to the top, there are a lot of bad attitudes, personality problems, and character defects. There are a lot of people who feel they were passed over for some superficial reason such as looks, age, or ethnicity, and resent the others who made it instead. There's unhealthy competitiveness that leads to bitterness and jealousy. There's self-pity for not having the money, time, or physical looks that the comic perceives he needs to make it.
I'm not sure where these comics are picking up the dry drunk behavior, but they have it. Some of them may have alcoholic parents, but it does remind me of the phrase “seem to have been born this way.” It's really creepy to watch these guys act like drunks without having a drink. But while there's plenty of negative behavior around, Amy focuses on the other sober comics and comics with positive attitudes.
CHAPTER 2
MORE HABITS THAN A CONVENT
I was standing in line with a fellow 12 Stepper in a supermarket. This homeless guy gets arrested for shoplifting a bottle of vodka in his pants. Being alkies, we're fixated on the detail that it was Royal Gate vodka, the cheapest swill they carried in the store. Being alkies with a few years sober, we consider ourselves armchair psychologists.
“Look at that guy,” my friend said to me. “Poor guy's esteem is so low he doesn't think he deserves to steal anything better.”
“Nah, I don't think so,” I countered. “He's been drinking that swill for so long he has some kind of emotional loyalty to it. He actually wants that more than anything else.”
“Hey, man,” my friend yelled out to the guy being searched by a security guard. “Out of all the liquor in the store, why did you steal the Royal Gate?”
The guy looks at us like we're nuts. “Because it was on sale.”
Okay, that's nothing more than a joke, and you're free to tell it like it happened to you. But the reality is that we were one of the two addicts: the one who does whatever's cheapest and most available, or the one who does the same stuff every time.
I loved the consistency of alcohol. It's in the same place during the same hours for the same price every day. A pint bottle is the same size every time you get one. It's never cut with something else. There's always more when you run out.
I hated when the drugs ran out, trying to get more. It is fun when it shows up in front of you, when someone you know has an eightball of coke or a bag of pills or whatever, but trying to find more when that runs out was maddening to me. It would cost different prices; it would be of varying strength; I couldn't take it. I couldn't even enjoy the good stuff because I would retroactively resent every time I'd gotten lesser quality stuff in the past.
I loved the consistency of alcohol. It's in the same place during the same hours for the same price every day. There's always more when you run out.
I liked doing the same thing every day, even when it wasn't fun. It was the same, and there was something comforting about that to me. After a chaotic childhood, it was nice to feel like I had control of the world, even if that world was a fifth of whiskey and watching TV.
We love the routines of acquiring, using, and recovering. It answers so many questions in our lives. There are three things to do, and we can do them over and over.
Ten Things Every Recovering Addict Should Have
We're creatures of habit. Even the word habit is commonly used in conjunction with drug use. Drug habits. Habitual users. But it's beyond using. It's habitual living.
We have habits that are associated with our drug and alcohol use. They're not all so easy to see as the habits that are directly related. There are life choices we make that are made because they help us live the addict's lifestyle. We may think they're not related, but they are.
As I look around my writing space right now, all I see is clutter. This is something I've tried to overcome several times in sobriety, but I've had better luck quitting smoking than becoming a tidy and organized person. Mind you, when I was out, this problem was much worse. But it's still not where it needs to be for a man of forty.
I've fixed a few things along the way, things that didn't seem like much at the time, but once I made the change, I felt like I had cheated myself for years. So hopefully the clutter problem gets whacked into shape when I take the plunge and buy some real grownup furniture.
After a chaotic childhood, it was nice to feel like I had control of the world, even if that world was a fifth of whiskey and watching TV.
I have problems with certain habits and undoubtedly you have problems of your own. Here are habits you should get, habits you should break, and habits of normal people that will amaze and astound you.
Socks and Underwear
There's some weird thing that happens with addicts and their undies. It's one thing to not wash your jeans or your jacket; it's another thing to not wash your socks. We get used to being in utter filth. When you're fixing with puddle water or flat Faygo, having worn the same underwear for a few days is a nonissue.
But it's still gross. Not as gross as many of the other things that accompany addiction. Not as gross as abscesses. Not as tragic as meth mouth. Not nearly as unsanitary as the trash cans of vomit around the room or crapping in a bucket in the corner of the squat.
But you're not a junkie anymore. And even though you've made progress and you're much cleaner than you were, you still have a way to go.
I've known junkies who had trench foot, a foot disease common with the soldiers in the trenches of World War I. It was known as jungle rot in the Viet Nam War. The medical name for this is immersion foot. It happens if you never take your boots off for weeks. Prolonged exposure of the feet to damp, cold conditions can cause it. It can lead to gangrene.
When you're fixing with puddle water or flat Faygo, having worn the same underwear for a few days is a nonissue.
Buy some new socks and underwear and throw all the old ones out. Guys, you probably still have some tighty whiteys your mom bought you in high school. They have to go.
Change begins on the inside, and right next to your insides is your underpants.
We get so strange with our money while using that our idea of essentials gets all out of whack. I didn't have enough money for
