compliment you, give you great advice, always build you up, and love you “uncondishy”. Find your self-worth by knowing that no other person in the world is like you; you’re an original, made one-of-one, and can’t be replaced. That’s what makes you unique and special in this world. I for one can tell you about many times when I was feeling insecure and down on myself…but one in particular stands out.
My best friend Adam came into town (Columbia, SC) to visit me and my family. We had some time to catch up on each other’s lives and do some shopping. While we were in the mall browsing and reminiscing about fun times in college, we walked past Express. Adam loves Express and has the perfect build for their clothing, and although I didn’t have the same body type, I had owned some shirts from Express in the past and they had fit perfectly. I had my eye on this Nantucket red blazer…man, it was the most amazing thing I had seen in a while. They had one left, and it was a 44 regular (which was my size at the time), so I went to try it on – but that shit barely went past my elbows!
While I was clearly struggling in the attempt to get this thing over my shoulders and making all kinds of shoulder and arm movements, a sales lady came over and asked if I needed assistance. She attempted to help get the rest of the jacket over my shoulders, but it wasn’t going anywhere. She said, “Okay, your arms are just way TOO big. This isn’t going to work,” and she was right. Unfortunately it didn’t fit me, so I did what any other person would do and asked for a larger size. She then informed me that this was the largest size they carried. Clearly I had a puzzled look on my face, because she had just told me that I was basically “TOO big” to fit in that size, and was now telling me that they didn’t make a size 46 or 48. She wasn’t the most pleasant person either.
I asked her if she could look it up and see if they had a 46 or 48 in another store. She of course said “yes” with such an amazing smile and positive attitude (I’m being very sarcastic right now. She was horrible.) She lets me know that was indeed the largest size they carried in the jacket and suggested that I could possibly get one custom made to fit me. Adam was only able to witness a small part of these moments because he was browsing around looking for his own clothing. After he checked out, I told him what had happened, and he was pissed to say the least. He wanted to go back in there and return everything he’d just bought. I convinced him not to, but that’s what true friends do, they ride or die. He felt in his heart that if a store treated people that way, then they didn’t deserve his business. I must admit I felt pretty down after that terrible shopping experience; in fact, so down that I wanted to talk to someone about it! I wanted to go on my Facebook and lash out against them for not carrying my size as well as providing such horrible customer service. Although I spoke to my wife about my frustration, I had trouble trying to express it on social media. It then dawned on me that men aren’t supposed to feel this way; men aren’t supposed to feel insecure about their bodies and are perceived to have this “tough guy” image consisting of a “no one can hurt me” type of mentality. It’s not true at all. I was hurt…I felt insecure, low, and not good enough.
Days went by and it was still on my mind; for some reason, I just couldn’t shake it off. I began exploring why men feel the need to remain silent about problems like body image. I immediately discovered that it’s solely based on the societal standard of masculinity. For as long as we can remember, society has given us rules on how men and women should act and feel. Men shouldn’t be emotional, but women are supposed to be emotional. I am a man who has emotions, and I wanted to have a voice to express how I really feel…so I created a space to have that voice. I came up with this crazy idea to start a body positive men’s fashion blog! I had the idea but had no clue about where to start, what to call it, or anything like that. My wife loved the idea (she supports everything I do because she loves me and believes in me), and asked me different questions about it, but I had no answers. I just knew I wanted to start it and help more men feel confident in their own skin.
When you look through magazines and fashion ads, you see the media’s definition of the standard for “ideal male beauty”. I wanted to provide an alternative view to what we are used to seeing in those ads by showing that an “average” looking guy can look just as cool in clothes as most of the slim fit models that we see on just about every other fashion site. By “average”, I mean that a balding, 5 foot 9, 240 pound black guy can look just as fly or even better in the same clothing. While I was lying in bed one night, it hit me like a flash!! Notoriously Dapper! I woke up my wife in my excitement and asked her what she thought. She agreed that the name was PERFECT. I bought the domain for 99 cents, and the rest is history. My wife and I took outfit pictures daily, and I would post them to my blog and Instagram for people to view, like, and share.
It wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows though, there was a dark period. I remember when I first started posting about loving yourself and male body positivity, people would reach out with such negativity. I would get messages like, “If you’re so insecure, then hit some effing weights;” “Don’t be mad because you’re too lazy to get abs;” and my all-time favorite, “You’re fat and mad ‘cause people that look better than you get attention.” These types of messages were from internet trolls. Did it bother me? Yes, of course it did. I would be lying if I told you it didn’t, some of the things they said hurt me because I had no other support at the time other than my family. I wasn’t a part of the “body positive” community yet; it was mostly women fighting vocally for their right to be accepted as they are. There were plenty of days where I wanted to stop blogging. I didn’t see a point of just being online to get bullied by random people I didn’t know.
But something happened…something awesome happened. I reached out to Tess Holliday, yeah, that’s right, the Tess Holliday (the badass plus-size model that kills the internet with her fabulous photos). I asked her about male body image and what she thought about what I was doing at the time, which was advocating for male body positivity. She responded! Not only did she respond, she was excited about what I was doing and gave me excellent advice. This made me feel so great about myself and the message I was promoting. After getting so much online hate from folks and so little love, I got the nod from the queen herself. We spoke a few times after that, and she offered to make me the first and only male member of @effyourbeautystandards, an Instagram page Tess had started to give a middle finger to society’s standards and help promote self-love for everyone. Of course I immediately said yes, the thought of not only being accepted in this community but being a part of an Instagram that had helped to start this conversation was amazing. Days passed, and then it was official – after nearly two-plus years of blogging about male body image, I was the newest member of Eff Your Beauty Standards, and the response from the public was jaw-dropping.
People had been waiting for a male to become a part of this movement for quite some time; needless to say, I was happy to help make that possible. The media’s unrealistic body images of men and the silencing men often face when dealing with feelings about those images became more clear to people as I discussed them. I have seven of the most body positive badass women in the community in my corner helping me promote a male perspective on positive body image! Creating my blog helped me grow to love myself for who I was and the body I have. I don’t have tight abs; I have stretch marks, a receding hairline, and flat feet, and I often stutter over my words, but I’m beautiful the way I am. Surrounding myself with positive people like Tess, Natalie, Harnaam, Aarti, Alison, Rainbow, and Katie (the whole @effyourbeautystandards gang) made this journey to self-love and acceptance simply marvelous. Meeting people who share the same struggles and emotional fights is inspiring, because you know if they can persevere, then so can you. It makes you strong.
Haters are everywhere, they will find any and everything to hate about someone – that’s what they do. Ignore the haters, do what you want, and wear what makes you feel confident. It’s okay to get upset by what some people say about you or to you, you’re human and you have feelings….that’s natural. We can’t let it keep us from the greatness in our lives, we have to maintain our composure and understand that you can’t change nor give up because someone doesn’t like the way you look.
Clothing can change a person’s
