it was a must-read for all women and the men who love them. In the stories and lessons, I saw many parallels with my own life. When Jan asked me to write the Foreword, I immediately said yes. These four women epitomize how I and many women cope: We just deal with it. In my book, Rita Moreno—A Memoir, I begin with that advice: Just deal with it. I spent a good part of my life looking for an identity that was safe. I didn't want to be this “Latina girl.” I didn't want to be this “sexpot.”
I had no role models, so I chose one: Elizabeth Taylor. In retrospect, we all know that is simply not possible; it's not feasible. It doesn't work. What happens as a result is that you live a very muddled life with respect to identity. You lose something extremely valuable and important—self-respect. This struggle was very painful. I always tell women today to be themselves and let the chips fall where they may.
You Don't Die from Not Being Liked
I was always the darling, please-like-me kid. It's the immigrant syndrome; it comes from being Puerto Rican, from being on the outside. For me and for so many women, we are told in subtle and not so subtle ways: “Don't make waves; don't make noise.” My mother was very conscious of that. I was brought up trying to please the world. I wanted the world to like me. The greatest lesson I ever learned is that you don't die from not being liked. Yet there is always the little voice or dark presence that stays with you forever. She's the one who, still to this day, says things like: “Ha-ha, I told you that you couldn't do it.” In me, she still exists and I have a feeling that creature exists in a lot of women. They just don't think of her as an entity, but I do. I call this voice my Rosarita. I just send her to her room all the time. It's impossible to get rid of her, but I've learned not to let her run my life.
Perseverancia
I had won the Oscar and a Golden Globe for West Side Story. I fully believed that, after that, I was going to get a lot of work and that everything was going to be just rosy. The opposite happened. I couldn't get a job to save my life. I couldn't believe it. It just absolutely broke my heart. Today at eighty-six, I look back on those events as recompense for all the hard years in a profession that challenged my sense of dignity and self-worth at every turn. I am reminded that, in this third act of my life, the falling down and getting up is very much a part of the American Dream.
This Is Not the Life I Ordered is filled to the brim with stories of falling down and getting back up. What I say to my gente [people] is to hang on, and to remember who you are. Be proud of who you are, and keep talking. And keep complaining. And just don't ever—ever—give up. I call this not giving up perseverancia and it means perseverance. There is nothing more powerful than a woman who embodies perseverance. The lessons in this book and the women who wrote them exhibit perseverancia in all that they do. The wonderful thing about perseverancia is that it is open to all of us, no matter our background or socio-economic status.
My good friend, the brilliant author Amy Tan, said that This Is Not the Life I Ordered gives women the inspiration to survive the worst luck and circumstances and to climb into a new life with unexpected happiness. That is what I wish for every woman—the ability to survive and thrive.
Rita Moreno
CHAPTER ONE
MANAGING MISFORTUNE
If one woman sees another woman as successful, that woman will never fail, never feel alone.
FLORENCE SCOVEL SHINN, WRITER (1871–1940)
1
CONVENE A GATHERING OF KITCHEN-TABLE FRIENDS.
You are the storyteller of your own life and you can create the legend or not.
ISABEL ALLENDE, CHILEAN-AMERICAN WRITER (1942–)
Find One Safe Place to Tell Your Story
The first and most important way to keep your head above water when life threatens to drag you down is to create a safe place where your stories can be heard—a gathering of kitchen-table friends. Gathering around a kitchen table and telling our own stories was empowering. While we didn't know it at the time, we were “bearing witness” to one another by talking about our experiences in a trusted environment. Psychologists tell us that “bearing witness” is a vital ingredient in the healing process.
We looked forward to our gatherings because we knew that they provided the one place in our lives where we would be heard—a place and time where women would listen without judgment. We have no doubt that being able to tell our stories saved our sanity and, in some cases, saved our lives. We believe that every woman needs to create for herself a safe place where her story can be heard. We know from our own experience that staying connected with each other has made all the difference in our ability to cope with the challenges we've faced.
Think you don't have time for your women friends? We encourage you to think again. If you're thinking that you don't feel up to doing this right now, that's precisely why you ought to do this. If your energy is low, it's because you're trying to do everything by yourself. You're running on empty, and you need to fill up your emotional tank with support and input from women who care about you. Your own kitchen-table group will feed your soul. You can get started today by following these seven simple steps to create a wonderful network of women friends.
Seven Steps for Forming a Kitchen-Table Group
1 Reach out: No matter how bad your life may be right now, plan a get-together with women you admire. They do not need to be famous, rich, or fabulously accomplished. You do not need to know them well, although they do need to be women you respect and who share similar values and priorities—women with integrity who will be willing to listen, give encouragement, and be honest. Many women feel just as isolated as you do. Now is the perfect time to get to know that mom who shares car-pool duties with you. What about the woman at work with whom you have only a nodding acquaintance but have always felt a spark of connection? Perhaps there's someone on a fundraising committee you've admired, someone who can always be counted on to do what she says she's going to do.
2 Choose a location: Pick a meeting place that has comfortable surroundings and that gives you privacy. It can be the corner of a local coffee shop, or the living room of your home. The kitchen tables in our different homes have worked well for us all these years.
3 Set a first meeting: You don't have to do anything fancy. Just pick up the phone, send an email, or ask in person. Tell the women up front that you know they're busy, that the purpose of this meeting is to create a support network that meets regularly where women can talk out what's going on in their lives in a confidential setting. Participants are welcome to talk about their jobs (or lack of a job), their families, their health, and their finances—whatever is on their minds and in their hearts. Give your group a name and commit to meeting regularly (every other week, or at least monthly). In our own group, we meet monthly but sometimes convene more often when one of our members is in the midst of a crisis.
4 Set ground rules: The first few meetings of your kitchen-table group can probably benefit from some sort of structure. In our group meetings, we always begin with some illuminating questions:So, how's your life?How can we help?Who do we know who can help?What are you happy about right now in your life?What is there to laugh about?When
