you release into that abyss about this loss?
Is there anything else that you need to say about yourself or your life right now to give a good picture of how you feel, think, or see the world?
Mighty Flame Check-In #1
Welcome to your first Mighty Flame Check-In—the first of three that you will find throughout this book. These checkins will allow you to see how the book is working for you and help you track your progress as you grow more Love Strong. They don't take very long to do and it can be fun to track how your Mighty Flame grows!
We will dive more deeply into what fans or dims your Mighty Flame in coming chapters. In this first check-in, we will simply take a reading of the state of your heart at the beginning of your journey. Rate your answers on a scale of 0 to 10—or 10 to 0. The goal is to have all your responses move to the right side of the scale as you progress.
My heart pain level is about:
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0
My energy level is about:
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
My obsessive thinking about my loss is roughly:
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0
My joy quotient is about:
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Chapter 3
FROM CRAZY FIRESTORMS TO THE MIGHTY FLAME
Last year, I gazed at the fire,This year I'm burnt kabob.Thirst drove me down to the waterWhere I drank the moon's reflection.
—Rumi
I felt very much like a burnt kabob when I first unraveled the Mr. X betrayals. Even if your breakup didn't leave you burned to a crisp, it's impossible not to be singed when you experience loss, with little pieces of your heart set ablaze. As a Superhero of Love, you must take a two-pronged approach to these fires: first soothe and cool the crazy firestorms, then feed the Mighty Flame that powers you. This chapter will show you the difference between these two sources of fire, because one will take you down, while the other will build you up.
Crazy firestorms are those times when we feel out of control, angry and on edge, or caught in repetitive negative thinking. These firestorms can be adrenaline-pumping yet energy-depleting wild fires that wreak havoc and destruction on our hearts and minds. They can burn so deep and wide that they lead to depression, unshakable sadness, apathy, or self-loathing. And they can start and spread without you even noticing.
The Mighty Flame, however, is peaceful, easily focused, and gently warming to the soul. It is where joy and contentment reside. When your Mighty Flame burns bright, you can be vulnerable and powerful at the same time because you know your guiding light is love. You can be present, in your skin. You feel ease, not dis-ease or discomfort, with what is so. You experience the gentle flow of love in and out—no matter what the circumstance.
Crazy firestorms and the Mighty Flame are opposites, yet they both require the same vigilant attention. Firestorms spark repetitive negative thoughts, frenetic energy, confusion, hopelessness, mental chatter, reaching outward, and anger that won't quit. The Mighty Flame, on the other hand, encourages peaceful centeredness, calm, clarity, hope, mental quietude, reaching inward, and joy.
CRAZY FIRESTORMS
When I was in the middle of the crazy firestorms that followed my breakup with Mr. X, I couldn't imagine relief ever coming. Many of my girlfriends experience insomnia when they're in the throes of these firestorms. I don't. But, while I could sleep through the night, I often woke up exhausted from working so hard in my dreams. My days felt like crazy mountain-climbing expeditions in which I first trudged uphill against the sadness, then ran back down into the valleys aflame with anger. Up and down, up and down, always running away from some uncomfortable emotion.
One evening, I went out with my (at the time) ninety-six-year-old friend, Adelaide, for a little respite. Adelaide is my dear friend Beanie's grandma who has been a source of Love League wisdom since I was eleven. She loves to give advice regarding relationships. She earned it: married over sixty years until the death of her husband. The first tidbit she gave me, when I was in a long-term relationship in my twenties, was always to have my own secrets. I still want to try out that one. Sounds juicy.
Adelaide loved Mr. X, so she was upset about the breakup. I saw her right after it happened and told her that I couldn't imagine ever falling in love again. She responded: “Well, of course not; you've been singed.” She was right. It was then that I realized how those little singes can re-ignite old firestorms from the past. In fact, a recent loss can ignite a full-blown inferno if you haven't healed the wounds of your past. One of Adelaide's greatest gifts to me is being a grounding force in the face of my drama-queen perspectives. The loss of Mr. X was a singe, not an inferno. And it was my job to manage what I had let grow into a crazy firestorm.
In the days after the breakup with Mr. X, I knew I had to deal with my pattern of seeking power outside of myself. Even though I felt confident and mighty kick-ass when I was not in a relationship, as soon as I got into one, my sense of self-worth became dependent upon my partner. I used the love from my partner to light up my heart, rather than relying on my own Mighty Flame, which was patiently waiting to be discovered. But when you are engulfed in a firestorm, it's easy to lose sight of that flame.
What flame? What fire? All I know is it's hot in here, and not the good kind of hot.
When one of my friends was ghosted by a man she had been dating, she found herself deep in the frenzy of a firestorm, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. Why had he suddenly cut off all contact with her? What had she done to cause his sudden flight? She couldn't have a conversation about anything else, and wanted everyone to help her figure out this conundrum. How? Why? When? What?
None of us had any interest in figuring it out. We just wanted her to realize that she had dodged a bullet. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who would do this to a potential mate? From the outside looking in, it was a blessing. From the inside looking out—well, there were a lot of flames obscuring her view.
I was no different at the beginning of my journey. After my breakup with Mr. X, firestorms plagued me with two kinds of negative feelings: one directed outside—anger—and one directed inside—sadness. The angry thoughts were easy to understand. I knew when I was mad and I knew why I was mad. For a while, the anger even made me feel righteous and empowered, as if I were better than Mr. X.
Some anger can be genuinely helpful. It can give us the gumption we need to take action that might otherwise be impossible to take. I know women who had to experience dramatic infidelities before deciding to end their marriages. One friend found out that her husband was not only cheating on her, but had taken their toddler on his escapades. Imagine her fury and the fire that catapulted her from this marriage.
In many cases, the anger builds over the course of the relationship and is not fully managed through all its incarnations. But righteous anger can spur a righteous move. Sometimes God has to hit us over the head with a frying pan! We can almost
