instead we started thinking about what our strengths and weaknesses actually are early on in our lives, I believe we would be better able to get on the path of pursuing a life that is fulfilling and meaningful. When we think of our strengths and weaknesses, we often define them simply as what you’re good and bad at doing. It’s as clear cut as that; it’s trying to figure out what you already are capable of and running with that. But just like Mister Rogers said, the very same people who are good sometimes are the very same people who are bad sometimes. Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you have everything you need to know about it figured out.
A surgeon who is excellent at his job may really have no talent at comforting patients before they go into operation, or a teacher who is incredibly educated on a subject may be horrible at sharing that knowledge in a way that a student can understand. Every path you take has multiple layers to it, which is why it’s so important to not measure your strengths and weaknesses by what you already possess, but instead by what you are capable of learning and growing into.
If you’re open to learning, then you have the willingness to recognize that you may not be perfect at something, and that there may be a thing or two that you can learn from others that may give you a tremendous advantage in life, all because you were open to listening. Normally, what we’re looking for is for someone to confirm our way of thinking. If people tell us that we’re doing things just right, then we won’t have to worry about the tougher part of it all, the need for growth. In fact, if your teacher gave you an A on every exam, would you ever feel like you needed to study?
It’s in the hardships, the failures, and the setbacks that we have no choice but to confront the situation in front of us and say, “What could I do differently here?” Building up your strengths then becomes a lifelong process of not knowing what the right next step is but aiming for it anyway. And far more often than not, what you tend to discover is that your greatest strengths are in areas where you never would have expected them to be.
So if you’re someone who’s awkward around others and you don’t really feel like there’s one thing in particular that you’re good at, find something you want to be good at, and look at all the activities that surround it. Let’s say, for example, you want to be someone who other people look up to—someone who is really smart, charming, funny, and popular. All of these things may seem like your biggest weaknesses if you’re not getting good grades, feel socially awkward around others, and get nervous when you talk to people. A pretty normal response might be to just envy the people who are where you want to be, to look at them and think that they have it all figured out, that they are living your dream, and you’re not moving through life at your full potential.
And while sometimes that may feel like the right way to think about it, it’s not taking in the full story. Because everyone has a story, and knowing more about someone’s story helps you piece together more and more how they got to where they want to be. First, try to observe them when they are around other people. Do they typically start conversations? How do they act when someone jokes around with them? How much focus do you see them dedicate to performing at the level at which they’re performing? Learning all this about someone else is a lot harder than just assuming they have it all figured out. But once we start to realize that every person gets to where they are by dedicating themselves to what they want, it should become more and more transparent that it’s just as possible for us to do the same.
What if, for example, there’s someone who is super attractive to the point where people are doing anything and everything for them? I know some of the first thoughts that would pop into my head are that they maybe are undeserving of the attention and care they’re receiving, or that they are only getting those things because of their looks—that if they didn’t look good no one would care about them. It’s easy to feel that way when looks or attention are things you struggle with. That’s why I would say to use the same techniques here, and ask yourself questions about how they got to where they want to be. Do they highlight their best physical qualities? Are they putting themselves into situations where they can get more attention or get noticed? Having that sense of awareness can help you better understand someone else, even if you don’t intend on doing the same things they have done to get to the level where they are.
And that’s another important thing to keep in mind: just because someone has a method for putting their strengths front and center doesn’t mean that you have to follow the same exact path. More often than not, the finish line that we’re all looking to cross leads to many different ways of celebrating. So while you may aspire to have the same treatment or opportunities as someone else, it will always take a different shape for you when you get there. How then should you go about finding what your natural strengths are compared to what you want to build and work on?
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