and automatic responses and behaviors so you are free to discover new and more self-caring options.
At this early stage in your journaling, you can write anything. You'll fine tune your writing later on. Right now your first step is to befriend pen and paper. Write at least three pages every day about anything you want. Complain. Fantasize. Write down your plans for the next hour or week or lifetime. Describe people in your life or the room you are in. Write at home, in the park, in your car, in a waiting room, at a café, on a bus bench. Just write three pages.
Think of your journal as a camera, writing descriptions of what you see, or a tape recorder, writing about what you hear.
In Appendix D, “Recovery Journal Prompts,” you will find additional topics to journal on. Build gradually toward journaling on these topics. Right now, simply free write and see what happens. Give yourself the gift of letting your heart and mind release what you've been holding, and give yourself room to breathe and be just as you are.
The chapters that follow will give you examples of the experiences of women living with and recovering from eating disorders, as well as exercises, stories, and meditations that will provide you with a lifeline to grow out of current painful and destructive ways.
Please pace yourself. Part of living with an eating disorder is wanting and grasping for immediate gratification. (One sugary doughnut or a dozen can knock out feelings. It's only natural that you would hope for a fast route to recovery.) Part of living with an eating disorder means you believe you are not doing enough, are not good enough or fast enough. This book is full of things to do. But you don't have to do them all, and you certainly don't have to do them all at once. Let your recovery unfold at a pace you can sustain. Recovery is not a sprint. You are going for the long distance of your life.
Please, proceed gently with yourself. Recovery comes in layers and stages, with pauses in between to settle. Think of the layering Rembrandt used in his masterpieces. (Yes, you are a masterpiece too.) He painted meticulously with oils. Then he waited until a layer was completely dry and absorbed by the canvas before he added the next layer. He gave himself and the painting time to breathe and acclimate to new stages. So must you.
Through gradual and regular practice, you will develop a strength and stability that you can't imagine now. As you proceed, you will discover how to be present and capable of coping with your challenges. Your fears will diminish as you progress on your recovery path.
Daily Exercises
Remember to pace yourself. The exercises and activities listed below and in Appendix B, “Additional Exercises and Activities,” will gradually expand as you gain strength. They will help steady and support you as we take a closer look at your life in the next chapter.
1 Follow your breath for five minutes at least three times a day.
2 Read or recite three affirmations twenty times each, at least three times a day. See Appendix A, “Affirmations.”
3 Write a minimum of three pages in your journal each day.
CHAPTER 3
Early Warning Signs
“Every patient carries her or his own doctor inside.”
—Albert Schweitzer
This chapter goes more deeply into how you live and what needs your attention. What follows are possible early warning signs of an eating disorder or behaviors that, when repeated, can indicate an ongoing eating disorder. Be gentle with yourself as you examine the things you consider normal and routine, but which may indicate a serious problem.
You benefit from reviewing the way you live. How you behave with and around food, how you eat and do not eat, and the habits and idiosyncrasies you've developed around eating relate to the full scope of your life. For example, if you binge on food, you may also binge on people, or clothes, or drama. If you purge, you may feel clean and powerful when you throw away objects, leave gatherings, or end relationships. If you starve yourself, you may also restrict emotional nourishment and deprive yourself of money, education, and the opportunity for healthy relationships. If you feel proud when you refuse food, you may feel proud when you refuse assistance or opportunities to better your life.
Once you have an accurate picture of your eating disorder, you have a window into the patterns of your emotions and psychology. You also—and this is important—can use your eating disorder behaviors as a metaphor to understand how you behave in other situations. This is the beginning of making your eating disorder a valuable life teacher.
Your first and ongoing challenge is to not judge yourself. Merciless self-condemnation is a symptom of an eating disorder. You may have people in place who do that for you—that's another sign. If you can't resist criticizing yourself, give yourself a time limit to do so, and then do your breathing exercises. A brief mindful breathing practice after a bout of self criticism can help you realign yourself with self-kindness.
Defining unusual eating behaviors is a challenge, because what's considered normal keeps changing in our culture. Unfortunately, this difficulty makes it easier for early warning signs of an eating disorder to be missed, denied, or rationalized. Today, eating disorders not otherwise specified (EDNOS) cover more of the population than identified eating disorders. Disordered eating, emotional eating, binge eating, or occasional purging may qualify as EDNOS. For recovery purposes, look at any form of eating that seems disordered and that troubles you, causes you problems, or is essential for you to cope with unbearable feelings.
In the not-so-distant past, taking time to sit at a dining table and eat three meals a day at a slow and gentle pace was normal. Now, grabbing a smoothie for breakfast while you dash for the car, rushing through a twenty-minute lunch “hour,” or ordering Chinese food and then eating it from the container with a group of friends are not extraordinary or bizarre activities today. Living on fast food may not be part of a healthy lifestyle, but it doesn't necessarily signal an eating disorder.
Eating a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast and having pancakes or scrambled eggs for dinner is not unusual in a fast-paced urban life, nor does it signal an eating disorder. Eating leftovers for breakfast doesn't indicate an eating disorder, either. Such behavior may mean the food is convenient when you are in a hurry or that you liked it and are eager to have more before it spoils. It could also mean that you are being economical by not wasting food.
Similarly, it's possible to have a seemingly healthy diet and suffer from an eating disorder. For example, in the past decade, the term “slow food” has entered the mainstream American vocabulary. Growing your own food or shopping at farmers’ markets for items you will cook slowly at home can enrich family life, enhance health, and help the environment. Eating slow food, however, doesn't mean you don't have an eating disorder.
Unusual eating behaviors that indicate a problem might include: hiding food so you won't be tempted to eat it, but then becoming frantic when you can't find it in your usual hiding places or can't remember if you ate it already. Frantic, you suck on raw sugar cubes, drink maple syrup from the bottle, or find a bottle of chocolate sauce and drink it straight. None of this soothes as well as your binge food, but you feel a little more calm. You also feel terribly ashamed. And now the kitchen is a mess, and you're anxious because you've got to cover your tracks.
Another indication
