brings lasting change, our sacred charge is to love ourselves to life.
I am loveable.
Each day it becomes easier for me to love myself.
Keeping Anger Moist and Movable
ANGER IS AN OUT -OF-HEART EXPERIENCE. That doesn't mean that it's a terrible no-no and that we shouldn't feel it or express it.
In fact, examined anger is often an incredible teacher. Exploring our experience of anger nonjudgmentally often helps us uncover valuable clues as to what we expect, what we want, what we fear, and where we feel especially vulnerable. Indeed, examined anger is a spiritual ally. Examined anger remains moist and movable, supple and malleable to our inquiring minds. From it, we can learn to stop accepting the unacceptable in terms of treatment directed toward us.
However, unexamined and consequently suppressed or repressed anger is a different story. Very often it solidifies into resentment which shuts down our hearts and leeches all joy from our lives. In effect, resentment holds a gun to our heart and says, “Beware! You better dry up, and protect yourself. Opening up is dangerous.” Resentment almost always guarantees aridity.
I don't know about you, but I was vigorously trained in anger-aversion and was an apt student. One of my primary life lessons continues to be transforming my self-loathing and self-judgment whenever I feel anger, and learning to use it constructively.
One great way I've found to keep anger moist and movable is to take it less seriously. Anger is great fodder for humor, and when expressed as such, we're often able to lighten up and laugh. For example, after an incredibly unfair divorce settlement, a friend of ours had Gene and I doubled over with laughter as he expounded dramatically about the book he was going to write: How to Hold onto Your Anger when It's All You've Got Left! Through humor, he was healthfully expressing just how upset he was at the injustice of his divorce. His intention was to learn from and move through his anger, but for now, it was giving him the energy he needed to walk this piece of the road.
Give yourself permission to explore and express your anger lightly and from the heart. As the saying goes, “What does it matter if a teaspoon of vinegar is spilled on a hill of sugar?”
I take my anger lightly.
I examine my anger and learn from it.
De-Idealizing Expectations
A WOMAN I ADMIRE ONCE COMPLIMENTED me by saying, “Nowhere in your books did I find a shred of judgment.” Luckily, my books are edited, but unfortunately my life is not. Judgment is an ongoing issue for me and for most of my clients.
Judgment arises when our expectations are not met, but often our expectations are idealized and unattainable and, therefore, impossible to meet. When I have gone deeply into examining my tendency to judge, I've found at the root, a set of impossible standards that I hold myself to, which inhibit my ability to love myself and others. Selfjudgment gives rise to judgment of others—and both suck the love-enhancing moisture right out of our hearts and create draught conditions in our relationships.
Jamie was going through a very rough period in her marriage and was judging herself harshly for not being able to remain a calm and totally loving parent at all times. From my point of view, she was doing a great job under difficult circumstances. Her husband was in the military and virtually never home, her own emotions were in an uproar, and her sense of security in their future together was teetering precariously. Then, one day, a friend commented to her, “To love perfection is to hate life,” which affected Jamie deeply. This profound little sentence helped her understand, at a gut level, what a burden she was placing on herself by expecting perfection in a far from perfect situation.
Although it was not easy for her, Jamie sought therapy and began learning the skills for de-idealizing her expectations and concentrating on self-acceptance rather than self-judgment. Over time the results of her work led to a greater tolerance of her imperfections, an increased ability to flow with life, more relaxed kids, and a revitalized marriage.
As human beings, we are evolving, maturing, and changing continually. It is unrealistic and discouraging to expect perfection from ourselves or others. Letting go of unrealistic ideals frees us to love more and, ironically enough, allows us to be better people.
I love life, imperfections and all.
I love myself, imperfections and all.
Fostering Self-Forgiveness
ONE OF THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAYS TO BLEED our spirit-energy away is to impale ourselves on the twin swords of blame and nonforgiveness. Therefore, the ability to forgive ourselves is essential to our soul's growth. Forgiveness originally meant “to return good treatment for ill usage,” which reminds me of a beautiful saying: “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the hand that has crushed it.”
We are all susceptible to human failings. We've all pointed the finger of blame at ourselves and others and trotted out an inner perfectionist to bludgeon ourselves with guilt and shame. We have crushed the delicate violet of another's feelings and trampled our own under the heels of unrealistic demands. But as the imminently true cliche states, “To err is human, to forgive, divine.” As we forgive, the divine fragrance of the Beloved flows through us, bestowing blessings.
Our souls are no strangers to forgiveness, for they have basked in the benediction of God's forgiveness for eternity. Difficulty in forgiving means that we have slipped from the heart of God into our human heads or guts and are no longer centered in the ground of our being, which is unconditional love.
By becoming aware of the skid away from our higher self, we can move back into our hearts. Even though it may sound too good to be true, we can return to our heart by merely asking to do so and accepting that it is done. Remembering to pour the fragrance of God's love and acceptance upon ourselves will set the stage for our ability to forgive the hands that occasionally crush us.
Forgiving ourselves allows us to create a garden of violets that will perfume our own and other's lives with the fragrance of love.
I am willing to forgive myself.
I forgive myself.
Extending Forgiveness
FORGIVENESS IS NOT OPTIONAL IF YOU WISH to walk a spiritual path. Practicing the art of forgiveness is essential for keeping our spirits green and gloriously alive. Not being able or willing to forgive those who have hurt us blocks God's love from entering our hearts and dams the flow of love going from us toward others.
Not forgiving binds us to our tormentor and to the original injury, keeping it fresh and current even if it is actually old and stale. Definitely a losing proposition! In reality, we don't forgive someone because it is good for the other person; we forgive in order to free our own hearts and souls and return ourselves to a state of love.
Tiffany was finding it very difficult to forgive her mother who drank herself to death when Tiffany was a teenager. The years preceding her mother's death were filled with neglect and embarrassment that had left deep scars. Grieving
