begin to enhance our connectedness to others.
—HARRIET LERNER
When we are connected to our essence, women can create magic. And our mystical heart-centered—yet extremely practical—strength is urgently needed now to right a world disastrously out of balance.
Many women I know have had enough of heartless imbalance, inequality, righteous meanness, and downright disgusting behavior, and are committed to connecting with their feminine power and flooding the weary world with its constructive energy. To truly right the wrongs, privately and publicly, we must embrace the heartfelt feminine strengths of inclusivity, compassion, fairness, understanding, and the ability to be present and listen.
As women, we have a deep and holy hunger to be connected to our authentic selves and to the hearts of others. We long to live in a world filled with balance, harmony, and happiness. For this to happen, head and heart energy must integrate and equalize. Because feminine wisdom understands and embodies heart qualities, we are the ones who can bring that crucial balance to fruition, and we are. Only when heart and mind complement each other will equal pay, equal say, and complete respect for all become reality.
FACING FEAR
One of the hardest things I've ever done is come face to face with how incessantly fear ruled my life. Love connects us to self and others and fear divides us. I believe all feelings and philosophies are on a continuum between love and fear, and for the first few decades of my life, I hung out at the fear end. Since babies are born more curious than fearful, how did I get to be such a scaredy cat? Partially, I was taught to be fearful, but mainly I absorbed it energetically from the circumstances and people around me. I was born on the only day that week my dad had found work, money was tighter than today's jeans, and war was on the horizon. With good reason, uncertainty was rampant.
Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Society is once again in a time of transition, and it is not an easy one. Domination and imbalance need to change—in self, society, community, business, and home—and dominating people in entitled positions are not going to make that easy. However, facing and moving through fear will help us have the strength to bring about fairness, equality, and freedom for ourselves and others.
The first step is to courageously face our fears. Everyone has fear. The faces of fear change as we journey through life, but one thing is undeniably true: unexamined fear has the upper hand. Unacknowledged fear weakens, diminishes, and silences us. Hidden fear dampens happiness and hobbles us to self-sabotaging behaviors. Let's disempower fear by gently becoming aware of it.
During your day . . .
With no judgment, courageously begin to notice big and little fears.
If you think you don't have any fear, tenderly dig a little deeper.
The fears we don't face become our limitations.
—ROBIN SHARMA
COMPLETING THE MOTHER CIRCLE
My in-a-nutshell definition of completing the mother circle is accepting the mothering you received, no matter its quality, and then becoming your own good mother. My years in private psychotherapy practice affirmed my belief that a troubled relationship with her mother can become a woman's most profound trigger. Because of the intense feelings involved, reaching acceptance for such a relationship often takes a tremendous amount of strength and patience. If your childhood wounds are deep and longstanding, please be kind to yourself and seek professional help. A compassionate and skillful therapist, counselor, or clergy person can help you weather the intense emotional storms that often accompany working through mother issues. From a neutral point of view, a therapist can provide valuable insight and perspective as well as practical tools to help you move toward acceptance.
Steps toward acceptance often include speaking your truth in safe ways and places, understanding Mom better by putting yourself in her shoes, and practicing forgiveness. Although we can't change the past, with healing, intention, and understanding, we can become better mothers to our kids and supportive and loving mothers to ourselves.
If your mother was/is a dear friend and supporter, your main challenge may be accepting the idea of her death. I was blessed to have a strong, loving mother. Even so, I didn't come full circle in our relationship until she was terminally ill and allowed me to really see her. Mother was a great support to me, but I hadn't known she needed my support also. Impending death gave her permission to be vulnerable and authentic with me, and I came to really know her. With that intimate two-way connection, we completed our circle by forgiving the hard parts and openly expressing our love and gratitude to each other for the rest. Of course, that sweet completion makes me miss her even more deeply.
During your day . . .
With deep compassion, note any unfinished business between you and your mother.
In the theater of your mind, view a scene between you and your mom. With the magic of imagination, put yourself in her shoes. What is she feeling? What is she afraid of? What are her intentions? Give her a little blessing and let her image fade.
Allow your attention to return to you in the scene and gently give yourself what you want, need, and deserve.
Forgiving unskillful mothering and creating an internal good mother facilitate the ability to claim your own feminine strength, wisdom, and power.
RECLAIMING YOUR SELVES
To deepen our connection with ourselves, it's important to know that we are many individual personas housed in one body. Each of us has a varied cast of characters that make up our personality. One moment a great businesswoman, the next someone entirely different. In Transpersonal Psychology, these varied facets are referred to as subpersonalities. The two best metaphors I've found to explain subpersonalities are a symphony orchestra and a stage play. Let's start there.
The stage play
The symphony orchestra
For us to be strong, successful, and happy, our inner cast needs to cooperate and complement each other just as an acting ensemble and orchestra members do in a performance. Although some of us were trained to deny or diminish our strong feminine aspects to appease others, they are still with us waiting to be recognized, accepted, and invited out to play. Recognizing and reclaiming the many guises of the Sacred Feminine within help us create a harmonious whole.
Each subpersonality—whether operating at full capacity or distorted through wounding, fear, or dismissal—is organized around a quality that enhances your life. As an example, after Gene and I had been married several years, a new subpersonality came roaring to the fore in me. I named her Brunhilda because she looked like a Viking warrioress with her coned breast plates, horned helmet, and wicked-looking axe.
