early teen a series of little YWCA books on dating, menstruating, and the art of making a proper phone call. The booklet on dating actually said that in order to be popular (that summit of adolescent values), a girl should let the boy talk about himself. The booklet advised girls to ask the boy leading questions that would get him started talking about topics of interest to him. To build a boy's interest in me, I was to feign interest in cars and sports or whatever that particular boy liked.
Surely those books had been reprinted from volumes discovered in some moldy Victorian attic! I remember thinking, Isn't that a stupid game? What if there's a subject I'd like to talk about? My doubts manifested themselves in an interesting way: I developed a chronic frog in my throat. Especially when out on a date, I felt that I would choke at any minute. Often I'd need to excuse myself and find a private place to hack and cough. I was literally choking on the sincere words I held back and the game-like words I spoke. More basically, I was choking on the underlying message from those one sided, how-to-get-along-with-boys suggestions: You are not as important as they are. I carried that semi-hidden belief that I was secondrate with me into adulthood. I also carried my throat frog.
Several years ago I filled in an assertiveness inventory in a magazine. I was prepared to “pass” with flying colors because I had a master's degree in psychology and had been through a very growthproducing divorce. Feeling I'd made great progress in developing self-esteem, I was shocked and angered when I tested high in healthy assertion in all areas except in relationships with the men I loved, including my two sons.
The results of that test helped me discover that I was still acting out a lingering assumption that men are better, deserve to be listened to more than women, and would probably leave me if I didn't take a backseat to them in most matters. My beliefs allowed men to invade me by firmly planting their tennies on my face. Croak! Significantly, my need to clear my throat was a family joke and, I learned later, a constant irritation to my husband.
I decided to do something about both my beliefs and actions (or lack thereof). I began to assert myself with men, even with the men I loved. I ferreted out my fears and hidden attitudes of subservience and slowly stopped giving myself away. The process was not easy and required the help of a good therapist, supportive friends, clients, and my own stick-to-itiveness.
The frog in my throat, which had been with me constantly for almost thirty years, disappeared. Rarely do I choke and croak now, but if I do, I look for ways in which I've reverted to old patterns and allowed myself to be invaded. Froggie has become an important teacher.
THE PROJECTION PROBLEM
One of the most pervasive and destructive forms of invasion is “projection.” Basically projection is a psychological term used for scapegoating. It's like a movie. The screen in front of us is blank until the images of the film are projected onto it. The film uses the screen to present its own pictures. The same principle holds true with people. If people are unable or unwilling to own their own internal feelings, they are likely to project them onto the blank screen of someone else.
For example, I need a lot of alone time and consider it a wonderful treat to have the house to myself. However, for many years both my husband and myself have worked at home, making homealone- time very unpredictable. Because Gene is such a nice, easyto- be-around guy, I felt ashamed of what I judgmentally saw as my “inordinate need” for solitude. That shame, as well as a fear of hurting him or making him angry, caused me to deny my feelings. Denied, the feelings multiplied like nuclear fission, and I projected them onto him and began to see him as inattentive to me. How nice. Now he was to blame and I was off the hook.
Sensing something was amiss among my mixed messages, Gene actually began to withdraw. That brought me up short and, as a result, I foraged around in my subconscious until I found the root of the problem—my own need for seclusion, which I had labeled unacceptable.
Projection is an uncomfortable defense mechanism for both projector and projectee. The person projected upon feels confused, helpless, defensive, and frustrated. On a conscious level, the person projecting his or her feelings onto others may feel righteous and blaming but underneath is actually vulnerable, fearful, and defended.
Projecting onto others those feelings we have disowned within ourselves means that our self-esteem and emotional strength are at a low ebb. Little self-esteem equals lots of blaming, shaming, and righteous externalizing. The greater our self-esteem and feelings of self-worth, the greater our ability to own our inner worms, darkness, and despair. When we act without consciousness or feel too vulnerable to be honest with ourselves, we will project onto others.
It's virtually impossible to change someone else's need to project, but we can fold up our screen and stop allowing ourselves to be projected upon. The most important thing to do about projection is to recognize it and not accept it as our own. I'll use another example of Gene and myself. One day I could tell he was upset, but he wouldn't tell me why. In answer to my prodding, he finally said, “I'm afraid I'll get in trouble if I tell you how I feel.” Since punishing feelings is not something I do, it was easy for me to recognize this as a fear he was projecting from past relationships.
Some projections are not so easily spotted, but if you're feeling at your wits' end about a situation, a good question to ask yourself is, “Could this be a projection?” If the answer is yes, try to take it less personally, disengage, and gently and nondefensively call it as you see it. If you have difficulty knowing whether or not you're dealing with projection, as I often do, please give yourself the gift of finding someone to help you clarify.
Whether you are the recipient of projection, or engage in it yourself, which we all do on occasion, the best ways to fold up the screen are to shore up your self-esteem, reassure yourself, talk to friends, and learn the Anti-Projection Mantra: Don't take it personally! As they say in recovery programs, chances are “you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you won't cure it.”
ROLES TO CONQUER THE INVADER
One of the primary urges people need to fulfill in their lives is the desire to have and to express a personal sense of empowerment. Consequently, when we feel invaded or taken advantage of, we automatically seek ways to defeat the threatening invader. Until recently, society didn't encourage girls and women to develop their power. Naturally wanting and needing empowerment, we have gone underground and adopted secret and dishonest ways of having and using power. The trouble with such deviousness, though, is that in the long run, everyone who uses it loses.
Following are some of the secret and harmful strategies women have adopted as a defense against powerlessness and invasion.
MOTHER
There are only a few times in our lives when we need to be mothered. Some are early childhood, senility, illness, and emotional meltdown. The rest of the time, no matter who we are, we need to develop our own inner capacity to be strong and take care of ourselves. Yet women have chosen to mother men and other women, despite the thoroughly proven fact that an inappropriate and untimely mothering attitude means death to romantic love and the love between equal marriage partners, as well as to friendship.
I often find myself suggesting my women clients “monitor their momisms.” A momism expresses itself in ways as trivial as telling a driver where to park: “Why don't you park by the bank?” You may say that this is just being helpful, but in the driver's mind it will most likely be interpreted as patronizing and as being unnecessarily controlling. The driver, consequently, is likely to feel he or she is being treated like a stupid, incapable child. No one enjoys being
