times is “What was I afraid of that made me act this way?”
WHAT ARE LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES?
An emotionally strong and independent woman knows and states her limits. She can stay within the boundaries of what she knows is good for her in both her personal and public life. Because she gives herself permission to be herself, she is able to say no without guilt, or at least not let feelings of guilt keep her from doing what she knows is best for her health and well-being. Having emotional independence means we are no longer tied to the need for constant approval and are, therefore, not coerced into doing more than we feel comfortable doing by our need to please others.
Let's approach the idea of limits and boundaries through the backdoor. Do you ever allow people to treat you in a way that you secretly find unacceptable? For instance, do you try to keep the peace by quietly accepting unkind, disrespectful treatment that makes you feel devalued? I came from a family where teasing was a way of relating for some of the members. I hated it and felt hurt each time I was teased. I didn't ask for the teasing to stop because I feared that setting a limit would make them, especially my father, tease me all the more or (oh, horrors!) cause them to reject and ignore me. Finally, as an adult, I was able to tell the teasers that being teased was not acceptable to me. Without any fuss at all, they stopped. When we are really solid in our belief that we don't need to submit to unacceptable treatment, and state our limits clearly, it will probably stop.
Whenever we receive unacceptable treatment in silent suffering, or whine and beg ineffectually to be treated better, we ignore our limits and permit others to invade the boundaries of our selfrespect.
When others need something, do they always call on “good old you” and know you will come through even if you've just come home from ten days in intensive care? Letting people take advantage of you is not honoring your limits.
If we say yes when we're actually yearning to say no, we aren't communicating our limits honestly, and we're setting ourselves up to feel resentful, hostile, and depressed. Women who do this tend to adopt one of two modus operandi: withdrawing from others or blowing their tops. Not being honest about our personal limits and boundaries creates feelings of betrayal, anger, defensiveness, and bewilderment, not only toward others but also toward ourselves. In our hearts we probably know that we've allowed fear to keep us from standing up for ourselves, so when we repeatedly allow our limits and boundaries to be trampled, we run the risk of lowering our self-esteem and losing respect for ourselves.
Learning to stand up for ourselves and honor our limits and boundaries involves, first, noticing when we're being taken advantage of; second, giving ourselves permission to have and to honor our limits and boundaries; and third, exploring and healing the fears that make us a living doormat. In order to stop giving ourselves away and have fair and open relationships with others, we must learn how to communicate our limits and boundaries honestly and effectively.
GIVING OURSELVES AWAY
Not respecting your limits and boundaries leads to giving yourself away, that is, putting what you want and need below the needs and desires of those around you. Among the people you know, including yourself, which ones get their wants and needs met most readily? Make an impromptu list of your acquaintances and their wants and needs, both tangible desires, such as a new car and a well-paying job, and intangibles, such as receiving respect, being heard, and having opinions valued. Are there any people on the list who always get what they ask for? Are there some persons who are more than likely to get what they want? Where do you rate by comparison? If you place yourself near the bottom, you're probably giving yourself away.
Maria lived for nineteen years with an emotionally abusive husband. She endured being put down privately and publicly and learned to “laugh it off.” Having been raised a Catholic and holding staunch no-divorce views, she felt she had no choice but to accept her fate; thus, she gave herself away and came to loathe both herself and her husband.
We may give ourselves away in big chunks (not returning to school or work because it would inconvenience someone, or not speaking up when hurt or annoyed) or in small chunks (taking the brown banana). Eventually, both big and little chunks tossed aside result in living a life that is not our own. Please take a look at the following list of questions. If you can answer yes to any of them, you're probably giving yourself away to some degree:
1 Does fear limit your life?
2 Are you often filling the wants and needs of others without having your own needs met?
3 Do you say yes when you'd like to say no?
4 Are decisions difficult for you?
5 Are your close relationships unsatisfying?
6 Do you lack self-esteem and confidence?
7 Are you your own worst critic?
8 Are you overtired much of the time?
9 Does your life have little joy and spontaneous laughter?
10 Do you often swallow your opinions when they differ from others?
11 Do you regularly feel unloving and/or unlovable?
12 Do you wish your life were different?
Please don't be discouraged if you answered yes to one or more of the above questions. Most women probably would because we have been so thoroughly trained by society to deny our own lives. Thankfully we are eminently capable of retraining ourselves to adopt more loving and appropriate beliefs and behaviors. And that's what The Courage to Be Yourself is all about: relearning the art of being fully ourselves and, therefore, fully present to life and to those whom we care about. I wrote this book because I needed to unlearn what I'd been taught and give myself permission to stake a claim on my own life.
Women who give themselves away have a hard time making decisions because they're afraid of being wrong or appearing stupid if they make a mistake. When I separated from my former husband, I needed to buy a car. I looked at several but felt confused by the choices. I asked my estranged husband for his advice—an okay thing to do if asking as an equal, but I considered his opinion more valuable than my own. My intuition was screaming, “No, no, no!,” but I ignored it and bought the car he chose.
That car and I were enemies from the very start. By not heeding my inner voice, I gave myself away—and got a car I could hardly live with. If I'd had the courage to move through my fear of making a mistake, heeded my inner voice, and made the decision for myself, I would have come away feeling better about my integrity— and probably have gotten a better car.
SAYING “YES” BUT FEELING “NO”
Ever come away from the phone after having said yes to making a zillion decorated cookies for a school party or working extra hours even though they conflicted with personal plans and you felt exhausted merely contemplating the task?
Afterward you dislike both yourself and the person to whom you said yes. Wishing you could turn back the clock, put steel in your spaghetti backbone, and firmly decline means you've just given yourself away.
Saying “yes” when we feel “no” probably means we've been “should-ing” on ourselves. We're afraid that we aren't being nice enough when we say no or that people will dislike us for letting them down. Yet I've discovered that
