and consider the experts’ best advice for tackling them.
Let Them Be Right
Sometimes, no matter how hard we are actually willing to work, we are often held back from achieving greatness by letting our own personal annoyances get in the way. These can create roadblocks that compromise the goals that we set out to conquer. And one of these self-induced petty dramas is trying to change others.
To get to the bottom of why we are, at times, our own worst enemies, I again sought the advice of Dr. John McGrail. He says that one of the most powerful and effective techniques is what he calls the “Art of Allowance.” This is a very simple strategy that allows other people to be whom and what they are.
Dr. McGrail says that when we allow others to be themselves without trying to change them, we don’t have to feel any negative energy. They then cease to have any effect on us, and we can go about living our lives the way we want to, and they can do the same. The plus is that we can use that recouped energy for ourselves.
The next step is to simply let others be right, a technique he first learned from Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff … and It’s All Small Stuff, by the late Dr. Richard Carlson. According to Dr. McGrail, Dr. Carlson’s premise was simple: There are many people out there who just have to be right to feel okay about themselves, so why not just let them? You see, when we let them be right—even when we know they are dead wrong—we give them the gift of feeling good about themselves; and this, in turn, makes us feel good about ourselves.
Don’t Panic
I am by nature an anxious person. My beloved husband is exactly the opposite. And whenever I feel particularly on edge, he always reminds me to calm down. “Think of yourself as being a pebble in a stream” is one of his favorite sayings for these occasions. “And just let the turbulent water wash over you.” I swear he should be teaching spiritual healing in an ashram instead of practicing law.
But am I the only Nervous Nellie who thinks she is just one unfortunate incident away from losing it all? Who has unfounded fears that at the first sign of forgetfulness, her loved ones will send her off to a home for the criminally bewildered? I know a host of folk who have chronic anxiety at some level—people who feel repeatedly stressed, overwhelmed, fearful, and even phobic, often accompanied by that awful, unsettled feeling in the pit of your stomach or a tightness in the chest that causes an imminent fear of cardiac arrest in the middle of the crosswalk.
Full-blown anxiety/panic attacks are not uncommon, either, and can sometimes appear to occur for no apparent reason. And therein is the basis for a vicious cycle. The fear of having an anxiety attack in a crowded elevator, or even such a nonthreatening place as, say, the dairy aisle of the supermarket, can actually trigger one. There is no question that chronic anxiety is a horrible condition—and the result is that you feel out of control in one, many, or even every aspect of your life. I know. I’ve been there.
Of course, the first place to start in fighting chronic anxiety is also the most difficult. Since it is almost always both irrational and psychosomatic (a physical condition caused by the mind), most, and usually all, of the fears and phobic reactions associated with it—dread, panic, physical weakness—are completely disproportionate to the actual risk involved, which is often little or none.
Thankfully, a situation irrationally created by the mind can be controlled by reinstating rational thoughts. Sure, we all occasionally entertain irrational thoughts that automatically pop into our heads but that we never act upon; for example, the thought of surreptitiously sticking out your foot and “accidentally” tripping an obnoxious coworker. (Admit it, you’ve also been tempted to do that.) We think of these things, and then we immediately exert cognitive, rational control and don’t act; in other words, our morals and ethics—and natural sense of self-preservation—jump in to restore rationality and control.
The same procedure can be used to combat anxiety—which is, in effect, our irrational fear of losing control of our own lives. Of course, neither I nor anyone else can guarantee that you will be able to completely conquer your anxieties and phobias. Trained professionals like Dr. McGrail help many sufferers and are needed to help many more. But for many of us, anxiety can be overcome on our own, without a lot of medications. It’s your mind, after all. You own it, you control it, and you can learn to drive it where you want it to go. However, if you do need help, do yourself a favor and get it!
Here are Dr. McGrail’s specific recommendations on how to overcome panic attacks and chronic anxiety:
• Stop the Mind—Ask yourself one of these questions, then wait: Where did I come from? What is nothing? What is thought? When you ask yourself a question with no immediate answer, your mind must stop. When it does, you cannot feel any negative feelings. You are once again back in control.
• Squeeze the Trigger and Breathe—Hold the thumb and forefinger of either hand together, gently but firmly. Focus all your attention on your fingers squeezing together; look at them, feel them, and then say to yourself (silently or aloud), Stop! Now begin to breathe, slowly and deeply, focusing on the air entering and leaving your body. You should calm down in a very short time. When you do, release the trigger.
• Slow Down and Focus—That feeling of being overwhelmed is often caused by looking at situations in their entirety. It’s like standing at the bottom of a tall, steep mountain and trying to imagine climbing it all at once. It’s easily overwhelming. But if you just start walking one step at a time and only focus on the next step—with an occasional glance at the whole mountain so you stay oriented—pretty soon you’re at the top looking down. The same can be said for the situations we deal with in life. We can slow down and commit to taking it one step, one choice, one thought at a time.
• Remember TAO—In this case, TAO does not refer to the ancient Chinese philosophy, but instead refers to the notion that There Are Always Options. For example, if you were stuck in traffic and absolutely had to leave the car, you could just get out and walk away. Sure it might cause others to call you names, but if it were necessary—life and death, say—the choice is there. So whenever you feel particularly anxious, just think TAO!
Exercise to Relax
Besides using mental and psychological techniques to help combat anxiety and panic attacks, the time-honored blowing off of steam from a punching bag to a 5K run is still a very valid option! So I turned to Mark McGee, a 6th Degree Black Belt, senior instructor, t’ai chi and Qigong, for a physical exercise to help control emotional challenges.
According to Mark, Qigong is an ancient Chinese exercise that improves emotional well-being as it harmonizes the mind, body, and breath. Since anxiety is a root of many health problems, one of the best antidotes is to breathe deeply from a strong foundation. He recommends the following simple exercise for beginners, a more physical manifestation of Dr. McGrail’s trigger squeezing.
Stand with your feet about shoulder-width apart. Take in a deep breath while raising your shoulders as high as you can comfortably, then let out your breath slowly while lowering your shoulders, hollowing your chest, rounding your back, lowering your chin, bending your knees slightly, and tucking your sacrum. Once you feel that you are close to being out of breath, inhale again and repeat the raising of your shoulders, followed by a slow exhale and full body relax. Use your mind during the exercise to focus on how good you feel as you nourish every cell in your body with the rush of air and natural stretching. And spend a minute afterward enjoying slow, deep breaths before returning to your work or routine.
Don’t Worry, Be Happy … But, It’s a Process
Countering stress, anxiety, and phobias is critical
