turn to how you can be positively happy!
Back to Dr. McGrail who is a big believer in the importance of finding your way to that positive space: “Happiness is a state of mind that you can choose any time you wish, even while you’re in the process of resolving your issues and creating your better life. In fact, it will happen much faster that way.” He says the two key points to that statement are choice and process.
With that in mind, Todd Patkin, who is as happy as The Lawyer is sensible, and the author of Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In, has a great plan for happiness.
Patkin says that society tells us (not very subtly, either) that we need to perform to a certain standard, look a certain way, weigh a certain number, make a certain amount of money, and much more. “Too bad that ‘perfect’ lifestyle is impossible to achieve. Nobody can do it all, all of the time. So when you inevitably take on too much and allow one of the plates you’re juggling to drop, you end up disappointed, tired, and miserable.”
According to Patkin, if you really want to experience true happiness and fulfillment, stop setting yourself up for disappointment by having unrealistic and unsustainable expectations. For the sake of happiness, here are his suggestions:
• Give Up on Relationships—The ones that aren’t working, that is. You need to be around other people who share your commitment to happiness.
• Stop Being So Darn Nice—And start being real. Dishonest politeness doesn’t develop authentic relationships. Having a smaller number of true friends is healthier than denying your own happiness in order to make everyone else like you.
• Stop Working So Hard—Everyone has physical and mental limits. And achievement doesn’t equal happiness. Overloading on work will cause your relationships, mind-set, and even health to suffer. Really think about what a healthy balance looks like.
• Lower the Bar—You probably expect too much from yourself. Consciously lower your expectations to more realistic standards, celebrate your many successes, and stop beating yourself up.
• Ignore the Joneses—Keeping up with the Joneses seems to be the American way of life. But you need to understand the fundamental truth that “happy” for you won’t look the same as it does for anyone else—and that’s okay! Focus primarily on your own feelings and fulfillment.
• Don’t Focus on Your Spouse—To the point where you forget to take responsibility for yourself, that is! Putting yourself second all of the time can breed frustration and resentment. Remember that when you do things that make you happy, it’s good for your husband or wife, too.
• Stop Giving So Much—If you don’t, you’ll eventually run dry! Figure out what is important to you and what fulfills you.
• Stop Pushing Your Kids So Hard—Too much pressure to perform can cause children of any age to burn out and make self-destructive decisions. Your kids will be much happier, healthier, more creative, and more motivated throughout their lives if you prioritize balance and love them for who they are.
• Forget Quality Time with Your Kids—And start focusing on quantity! Life is found in the everyday moments, not in the big blowout trips. Doing “normal” things with your kids on a regular basis will mean more to them—and to you—long-term than the occasional extraordinary event.
• Cancel Your Gym Membership—The key to instilling any habit in your life is to make it doable. So if exercise isn’t already a regular part of your life, start small. Take a 20-minute walk every other day around your neighborhood—that’s it! You can work up from there if you want to. And remember that exercise isn’t just about losing weight; it’s a natural antidepressant that will improve your sleep and make you feel more relaxed, stronger, and more capable of handling life’s challenges.
• Stop Obsessing About Your Health—Just eat right, go to the doctor, and fit in as much exercise and relaxation as you can. If you don’t, all the worry and stress will be what ends up killing you!
• Trash Your Goals—Except for this one—Be happier! When you prioritize your own happiness and well-being, you’ll be truly amazed by how smoothly everything else falls into place!
It’s 4 AM, you can’t sleep, and you’re obsessing over work, money, relationships, or your endless “to-do” list. Judith Orloff, M.D., a board-certified psychiatrist and assistant professor of psychiatry at UCLA and author of The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life, often gets that complaint from patients. In response, she offers some recommendations for alleviating common forms of stress:
• In a recent survey by the American Psychological Association (APA), money (71 percent), work (69 percent), and the economy (59 percent) were the most commonly reported sources of stress. To let go of this so-called “success stress,” stop comparing yourself with others and focus instead on what you’re grateful for. If you find yourself envying someone’s success, ask yourself what you admire and can learn from them. Finally, wish them well. These simple strategies will help you change the way you think of success and will free you up to change some of your behaviors around money and work.
• Nearly half (46 percent) of adults in the survey said that within the last month they had lost patience with or yelled at their spouse, partner, or children when stressed. You can let go of relationship stress by staying calm, no matter what buttons your loved one has pushed. Avoid reacting or getting defensive. Let the other person completely finish talking, and then pause before you respond. Instead of trying to change someone’s mind, accept where he or she is coming from and try to be compassionate. When we stop trying to control relationships, they become less stressful.
• In the APA survey, 30 percent of adults reported that stress had a strong or very strong impact on their physical health. Stress makes us tense, obsessive, and burned out by the hormones adrenaline and cortisol. Consequently, we become malnourished or overweight. We don’t exercise, and the quality of our sleep suffers. One of the best ways to let go of physical stress is to let your body do what it was designed to do—move. Practice some kind of movement you like at least a few times a week, whether it’s going to the gym, walking your dog, or doing yoga stretches. The goal of movement is to get out of your head and surrender to the body’s natural energy.
For Cancer Survivors
As I was developing the Better Than Before program, many cancer survivors shared with me their psychological social stigmas. Some rejected any kind of personal interaction, or they seemed comfortable only when alone or around others who were willing to listen to their incessant talk about the horrors they have been through. Others had the opposite social struggles. They confessed that they wanted to strangle the next person who looked at them with either pity or what they termed “airplane” eyes, which always seemed to land directly on that spot. A few felt their friends purposely avoided them because they were afraid they might “catch it,” even though it’s not contagious. Most had difficulty dealing with the irritatingly positive people who constantly commented, “You can do it” or “You’ll be just fine,” without knowing a thing about what they went through. The most tactless ones, undoubtedly innocent in their intent, told them about all the people they knew who had the same type of cancer and how long they survived after being diagnosed.
After talking with many cancer survivors and patients, and many of their oncologists and therapists, I always try to pass on the following advice:
