hour later, all missions accomplished, I, über-wife, returned to my office and started to write my column with still plenty of time left to meet my deadline. I sat back in the chair and let out a large self-satisfied sigh, thinking to myself, “Who said you can’t have it—and, most important, do it—all?” Just then the phone rang.
“Mrs. Michael,” stated the voice on the other end, “this is Mrs. Butters at the nursery school.”
“Oh, hello, Mrs. Butters,” I chirped. “Did the class enjoy those organic oatmeal raisin cookies I sent in the other day for their recess snack?”
“Those were great.” She paused, then continued. “But the reason I’m calling is that you seem to have sent your daughter to school today in her pajamas.” Bam!
And the Answer Is …
So no matter our will and good intentions, we can’t eliminate every source of stress. When I first began my research on how to help others feel better than before on an emotional level, what really stuck with me was a conversation that I had with a very spiritual person, a shaman, in fact. I remember asking her the true meaning of life. She said she would consult the Guides and get back to me. Finally, she called.
As I anxiously awaited her response, she replied, “Well, here it is.” She paused. “Stuff happens (okay, stuff was not the exact word she used). Move on!”
“Seriously? That’s the answer to the meaning of life?” I asked incredulously.
“Yes,” she insisted. “Don’t dwell!”
Of course, that is far easier said than done. Ignoring the negative mental chatter that can bedevil us is tough. Setting positive goals is self-affirming, but it’s how you handle the all-too-likely failure to accomplish them fully (or at all) that is the key.
The Journey
It’s important to remember that it’s the journey, not the final resting point, that matters in self-improvement—finding satisfaction in the tiny victories and incremental improvements along the way. That, in turn, will allow you to live in and enjoy the moment. Too often, we spend so much time worrying about the future that we don’t appreciate what we accomplished that day, or even that minute. By never giving yourself credit for what you have achieved on a day-to-day basis, everything just jumbles together into one big “to-do” list. Life becomes the trip from hell instead of an enjoyable voyage. In the words of Ernest Hemingway: “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters in the end.”
That is perhaps the real meaning of my shaman’s cryptic message, “Never give up.” All the genius in the world won’t do any good without guts, tenacity, and passion. Estée Lauder once told me that when she was first starting out, if cosmetic buyers said no, she would wait outside their offices all day until they changed their minds. Vincent van Gogh sold only one painting during his lifetime; Elvis Presley got a C in music class; Winston Churchill at one point lost three elections in a row; Henry Ford’s car manufacturing company went bankrupt—twice—before becoming the Ford Motor Company; Sigmund Freud was booed from the stage when he first presented his revolutionary ideas; and Albert Einstein was expelled from school for being a disruptive student. What would the world be like if any one of them simply gave up and didn’t forge ahead?
“There is no single magic bullet for turning your life and your health around. It requires focusing on all areas of your life. Each component has a powerful effect on the whole system. And it goes beyond a health-promoting diet and lifestyle. It also requires being a guardian of your attitude and self-talk in order to program yourself to be more positive, adaptable, and committed to life. I do believe that there is a purpose to our lives, and taking care of our body, mind, and spirit is critical in achieving that purpose. So we need to be very good to ourselves and those around us.”
—Dr. Michael T. Murray
How to Begin
As with all our rungs, we must start with general principles and then work down through specific ideas, techniques, and therapies. For overall emotional well-being guidance, my favorite stress adviser is personal empowerment expert and author of the best-selling The Synthesis Effect: Your Direct Path to Personal Power and Transformation, Dr. John McGrail.
“Emotional well-being is the central desire (and the right) of every human being, first and foremost, to feel safe, loved, validated, and in control of his/her life,” he asserts. “Ironically we are all born that way, in perfect love and energetic harmony, and filled with perfectly formed and vastly abundant self-esteem and emotional well-being. Then life happens and we, at least most of us in modern Western society, get it beaten out of us, at least figuratively.”
Here, per Dr. McGrail, are some common steps anyone can take to reclaim that wonderful childhood state of mind:
1. First, you must acknowledge that you are naturally resistant to change, even when you want it and know it will be a good thing. It is literally in our DNA to cling to the familiar, a condition called homeostasis, from the Latin words meaning the “same state.” It is homeostasis, the emotional equivalent of inertia in the physical world, that holds us back and keeps us stuck.
2. Accept that you are going to feel somewhat uncomfortable during the process of changing your life and consciously decide to allow yourself to feel that way. It won’t kill you, and once you cross that emotional bridge, half the battle is over and you are in the process of learning what you need to know to be the new you.
3. Accept that all change—in fact, life itself—is always a process. Modern technology-driven society is becoming too used to expecting instant results and gratification; when you accept the concept of process, it can help you hasten the happy results.
4. Commit to being “at cause” with your life—most of us live in a state of being “at effect,” that is, feeling as if life is happening to us and we are the victims of circumstances beyond our control. Being “at cause” is a fundamental shift in that thinking. It goes something like this: It is no one else’s job to make me happy or safe or loved or confident or financially solvent or healthy, or anything. It is my job alone. Thus, my results will depend on my choices, what I do, think, say, and feel.
5. Choosing to live “at cause” also leads us to another huge requirement—it must come from within. Most of us think that if we just get the stuff we want—our money, career, love and relationships, whatever we think is missing—that all will be well. But it is only when we rediscover our internal balance that we can begin to enjoy what we have.
6. In order to establish true emotional well-being, we must balance and integrate all our energy streams—physical, emotional, and spiritual. And we must acknowledge that we are indeed spiritual beings, something much easier to do with all the new science that is providing the empirical evidence we Westerners require. As such, we are seeing major changes in virtually all our health and wellness disciplines.
7. Finally, to really feel emotionally sound and whole, pay as much attention as possible to making choices that serve the greater good, to be of service to others. It can be as simple as validating other people on a regular basis—say thank you to anyone who provides you with a service. Say hello and smile at someone you pass on the street. As you watch him/her light up just from being acknowledged and validated, you will too.
The Specifics
We have now started on our journey—more aptly, our climb up the Ladder—toward being emotionally Better Than Before. Since there is no one solution for
