out your bloody knife
and sacrifice his life.”
So Abe obeyed without a question.
But good God, and good grief, and God damn!
What the hell’s wrong with you, Abraham?
To follow as if blind
a request so unkind?
You’re lucky God provided a ram.
Genesis 22
Testify
It was the custom, in days gone by,
to place your hand here under my thigh
to mark a solemn vow,
but be sure to allow
that it really means cupping the guy.
Genesis 24:9; 47:29
In a related note—the English word “Testify” comes from the same root as “Testicle.”
Good for Sermons, Bad for Biology
The Bible’s good for homiletics
but it says little of genetics.
Jacob’s trick with the rods
is demonstrably flawed
and displays questionable ethics.
Genesis 30:25–43
Who Sold Joseph to Whom?
The elder sons of Father Israel,
in a moment less than filial,
sold their brother Jacob
to the first passing mob,
who were, by chance, the sons of Ishmael.
But wait a minute, that isn’t right,
there’s a slight contradiction in sight.
In one of these lines I
read he was rescued by
a caravan of Midianites.
Genesis 37:28, 36; 39:1
Seed on the Ground
T’was his duty and Onan was bound:
get Tamar pregnant, her belly round.
But Onan didn’t care
to produce any heir
and instead spilt his seed on the ground.
Genesis 38:8–9
Onan’s story is the perfect. . . seed for limericks.
Thank you, Onan
Oh, Onan, how you do amuse us.
Because of you we get to discuss
whether or not it is
a great sin to spill jizz;
thanks to your coitus interruptus.
Genesis 38:9
That’s How Mad Cow Disease Got Started, You Know. . .
Pharaoh once had a dream unbenign,
a dream that sent shivers down his spine.
He saw something vile
come up from the Nile:
those cannibalistic river kine.
Genesis 41:1–4 (KJV)
Kine is the only plural form in the English language that does not share a single letter with its singular—Cow.
The First Socialist
Evangelical apologists
must be well confirmed capitalists
for there are very few
who will admit to you
that Joseph was the first socialist.
Genesis 41
Carry up My Bones from Here
Prince Joseph from his deathbed intones:
“Make for me in Egypt no headstones.
You should do this instead,
when I am cold and dead,
go to the Promised Land with my bones.”
Genesis 50:24–25
1. Eleazar, B. Yeabamoth 63a
Exodus
Hebrew Women Are not Like Egyptian Women
Pharaoh instructed all the midwives:
let no Hebrew boys be born alive,
“But our women are strong,
and it never takes long;
they give birth before we arrive.”
Exodus 1:15–19
Seriously Understaffed Midwives
It’s no wonder that when the Hebrews
came to the time their babies were due
the midwives weren’t around,
there were few to be found;
in all Egypt there were only two.
Exodus 1:15, 19
Strike!
What’s the book of Exodus about?
Why, it’s a labor story, no doubt:
Pharaoh cruelly abused
and exploited the Jews
so they all went on strike and walked out.
Exodus 2–12
No Excuse for Papyrus
