Sometimes, people will be more aggressive in wanting to know your business. Unfortunately this can be challenging and may be more indicative about them. “Oh my gosh Susan, I just heard these rumors about Kevin, what is going on?” You respond with a fact that offers little detail and with a tone to close the questioning. “This is a very difficult time. I hope you can respect our need for privacy.”
If the person continues to press with: “But I feel so bad for you.” Wait as if you will now share more detail, and say: “As I said, this is a really difficult time; there are problems, and I hope you will respect our need for privacy.”
Considering the above suggestions, if there are yellow or red light people who you anticipate talking to, take this time to write out what you might say. Share only what you are comfortable sharing. What you share with people needs to be determined according to 1) support, 2) safety, 3) motive, and 4) the possible ramifications.
It is helpful if you and your partner are in agreement as to who will or will not be told. For a variety of reasons this does not always work out. There may be people who you feel are important enough to tell, but whom your partner may not. Although this presents a conflict between the two of you, if your motivation is for you and supports you in your healing, then acting on your own behalf becomes part of your healing journey. In these instances, having some agreement as to what gets disclosed is where common ground can be made between you and your partner. While situations vary, it is respectful to tell your partner with whom it is you are sharing.
Knowing your motivation will help to direct you in determining with whom you will share and to what depth of detail you will share. You want to honor yourself and no longer engage in behaviors that keep you in a victim role or that isolate you in such a manner that causes your pain to escalate. At the same time you need to give consideration to those who are most safe. You will find in time the answer to this question becomes clear.
Developing a Strong Support System
The need for support that goes beyond family and friends is addressed in the following section. Several possibilities to meet those needs are presented, as well as useful resources. You also will be guided through exercises that help you explore those self-sabotaging beliefs that hinder your efforts to reach out and allow others to be there for you. You will then identify new beliefs that may help you to incorporate additional support.
Seeking support means reaching out for help where and when you can. It can bridge the distance between living with despair and shame versus living with self-respect and dignity. In the previous exercise “Deciding Whom to Tell,” you explored those relationships closest to you and thought through who was or was not safe to tell about the immediate crisis. Some of these people are friends and family, some are not. Beginning to let others know what you’re going through is a big step in breaking the isolation you are feeling. Finding a good support system is another such step in the healing process, as it is more focused on finding specialized help pertaining to the crisis at hand.
Part of living in an addictive system is the social and emotional isolation that can occur over time. This is particularly true when the nature of the problem is sexual addiction. It can be very scary to ask for help. You may find it difficult to let your guard down and allow others to help you. Even if you want support, you may not know how to find it.
Regardless of the type of person you are, outgoing or reserved, cautious or too-trusting, asking for help may bring up negative messages about whether you will get what you need or if you deserve it. Often these messages originate from your family and the environment in which you were raised. Many partners describe homes where they felt alone in coping with problems. Many may not even remember asking for help. Many grew up in families where there was addiction and the secrets and shame that supported the maladaptive behaviors meant it was not okay to let others outside the family know its problems.
These types of scenarios result in an emotionally invalidating environment and affect how you relate to others in adult relationships. You learned that asking for help backfired and that rigid self-reliance was the best way to survive and adapt in your family. How you thought about your circumstances helped you tolerate a system in which you were meant to serve the needs of the family, not the other way around.
Today you may recognize your self-talk as a hindrance to getting the support you need. You fear that no one will really understand and they will judge you. Your thoughts become a self-sabotaging cycle of beliefs that hinder your efforts to get better.
Let’s first look at roadblocks to seeking support. What do you tell yourself that prevents you from reaching out and allowing others to help you? In your journal, write those statements from the list below that you most identify with.
