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Managing your reactivity to the many triggers is pivotal to your recovery work. So many partners find this to be one of the most challenging of all tasks in early recovery. You will most likely find that using these tools will help you when you need it most. At certain times in your healing, a particular technique may be more useful than another. Be open to using them and others that you find helpful. They will make a difference.
Bottom Lines: Nonnegotiable Boundaries
These are intended to help you stabilize the immediate crisis of being in a relationship with sex addiction as its center. We will share examples many others have used and provide suggestions to take care of you. It is an extremely important, initial step in learning how to identify and ask for what you need for your immediate safety. In this exercise you will create a nonnegotiable list of those conditions or circumstances that must be met in order for stability to be achieved in the household.
Becoming aware of your triggers means you will have to renegotiate boundaries that at one time felt predictable and safe. Since the foundation of the relationship has now become unsettled, part of managing triggers is defining boundaries best suited to your situation. This means establishing nonnegotiables, also referred to as bottom lines. They are essential, if not imperative, in early recovery.
Boundaries are borders—a line between where you end and another begins. Boundaries are sometimes flexible, with room for give-and-take between you and another; and other times fixed, like the boundaries between countries or property lines. Being able to define and act upon your boundaries creates a stronger sense of self. It also assumes you can appreciate the boundaries of others. In this exercise, you will explore a specific type of boundary—the nonnegotiable—that has very little give to it and is usually activated in situations in which personal safety is at risk. More about boundaries in relationships will be covered later in the book.
Whether through ignorance, false trust in the addict, or porous boundaries on your part, you were insulated from the deceptive behaviors. If the crisis is recent and you were unaware of the indiscretions, then the need for nonnegotiables is imperative since betrayal leaves you more vulnerable without certain immediate safeguards. Setting limits is a response to the addict’s behavior because of its impact on you. Your nonnegotiables say to the addict that “you went too far, and in order for me to feel safe and consider rebuilding trust with you, I will need the following . . . .”
The goal in establishing nonnegotiables is to protect you from being duped again and from living with active addiction. Defining your bottom lines means spelling out exactly what that looks like and projecting into the future as to whether or not you’re prepared to act upon them. Not doing so undermines your ability to protect yourself from further harm. To prevent boundary failure and promote personal success, you need to be honest about what you are and are not prepared to do in establishing nonnegotiables.
Pay close attention to the person for whom the boundary is intended and why. Nonnegotiable boundaries need to be for you—not to punish your partner, despite the urge or inclination to do so. You set nonnegotiables to honor and protect yourself. “This behavior is unacceptable to me,” is a statement of self-respect. By not being at the whim of his or her actions and inactions you’re setting the direction of your recovery.
Sometimes nonnegotiables can be perceived as controlling. As you are developing your list of bottom lines, your self-doubt may tell you that what you are asking for isn’t justified. Hang in there; this is new territory and common misconceptions happen as you try out new actions that are primarily intended for your well-being and not that of the addict. Although it may feel controlling, the distinction has to do with intention and motivation. If the goal is to stop him or her rather than to protect you, then yes, it can be controlling. But if the goal of the limit is for greater stability, then it is a boundary. Working on nonnegotiables is often best done with the support of others. A counselor, a trusted friend, or a twelve-step support person or sponsor can offer perspectives that will allow you to further think through your intentions and motivations so as to ensure you the most success.
The following are examples of nonnegotiables. You will see what others define as intolerable behavior. You can use this as a guide for yourself.
In your journal, list all the examples that pertain to your relationship with the addict.
