as well as the music industry, has contributed much to forming and maintaining the notion that the romantic view of sex is a natural expression of true love.
Religion has strongly influenced the role of sex to be specifically about procreation. For centuries there have been major differences regarding the expectations and norms for men and women. For women, sex has been strongly related to love and connection; for men, it has been more of a pleasurable physical act; and for some men (and women), it is about power and control.
The “sexual revolution” of the 1960s and 1970s brought with it cultural and social changes that freed people to have sex outside of a committed relationship. The advent of the birth control pill, and later the legalization of abortion, ameliorated the consequences of unwanted pregnancies and gave women permission to be sexual. With the introduction of the home video, the pornography industry started to boom. Marketing to middle-class males made viewing porn more of a socially acceptable activity. Social mores were changing. Magazines like Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler become household names as the three competed for market share.
The growth of pornography expanded further with the explosion of the Internet in the 1990s and continues into the present. Accessing and viewing porn is now easier as other electronic forms of obtaining and exchanging information have become available. This has further normalized the viewing of porn, as well as expanded the variety of avenues sexual interest and behavior can be pursued. In many ways, pornography in the technological age has lessened the importance of human touch, and enables a sexuality devoid of attachment to others.
Similar contradictions and polarizing views can be seen in defining addiction. Historically, addiction to substances like alcohol and other drugs was perceived as moral decay and weakness of character. For many it is still seen as such and thought of as a lack of willpower or self-discipline. In the 1930s, a group of men got together to address their alcoholism and formed the first twelve-step group called Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). The growth of AA led to professionals beginning to see this as a treatable problem and the terms “disease” and “addiction” were coined. By the 1950s the World Health Organization (WHO), a leader in helping countries create unity in identifying and treating social ills, also began to view addiction as a disease with defining characteristics and resulting consequences. From the 1960s to the 1990s much attention turned to the disease model, as well as the role families played in enabling the problem and what they could do to change for themselves despite living with someone else’s addiction.
Today much focus, in both research and treatment, has been in the area of brain science. In the 1990s the then director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) at the National Institute of Health (NIH), Alan Leshner, PhD, coined the term “brain disease.” Brain science is lending a tremendous amount of effort and research to verifying how changes occur in the brain with use of substances and behaviors like drugs and sex.
Over thirty years ago, Patrick Carnes, PhD, was the first to generalize what was known about addiction to alcohol and other drugs (substances) and apply it to sexual behavior. The pioneering work of Milkman and Sunderwirth strengthened the foundation to broaden the understanding of addiction beyond substances to behavior. While there is increasing agreement among the body of treatment professionals and recovery communities from various manifestations of addiction, for the lay person and the masses living in our neighborhoods and communities across the country and world, there is still a major discord in the beliefs about what addiction is and what to call it.
Consequently, to combine sex with addiction, the term “sex addiction” is at best, confusing. For many, it is offensive and frightening; for others, it offers clarity and direction. Is this term new for you? Has anyone told you that they thought your partner was a sex addict? Have you wondered that yourself? Have you done any online tests trying to assess whether or not it is addiction? Have you found yourself reading books that explain sex addiction? After reviewing the descriptors at the beginning of this exercise, do you believe any of these apply to your partner?
EXAMPLES
He is a sex addict. He uses sex as he used drugs, and he was clearly addicted to the drugs.
He is a sex addict because he knows his pornography is hurting our marriage and yet he keeps going back to it. He can’t stop on his own, and I actually think he wants to stop.
I don’t think she’s a sex addict. To my knowledge she has only had two affairs in fifteen years and both were one night stands when she was on the road. I think she was angry with me and getting back at me.
I’m not sure. I know he had sexual secrets with his last partner, but he says it is not addictive and he can stop. I want to believe him.
Taking into account the circumstances that have led you to confront sexual addiction and the social, cultural, and religious climate that has influenced and shaped your world, it is important to acknowledge what the words addiction and sex addiction mean to you. By doing so you further engage in a process of defining and owning your experience.
The Ripple Effect: Cost of Addiction in My Life
This section will help you become aware of the pervasive impact addiction has had on you. You will identify those areas most affected. Reflecting on relationships, both personal and social, your parenting, your work, and the emotional and physical toll on yourself will give clarity as to the extent of the problem. It will also help you prioritize that which is most critical for you to address in order to establish and maintain safety in this early phase of your recovery.
You are coming to terms with information that either validates your suspicions or has taken you totally by surprise. It has shaken the foundation of your relationship, spilling over into other areas of your life. This exercise is focused on the crisis at hand—the triggering event(s) or situation(s)—that altered the course of the relationship and has you reaching for help in new ways. The following questions guide you to explore the most immediate problems facing you by identifying those areas affected and recognizing the extensive effect addiction is having on your life. It will help you to prioritize and label those critical concerns.
RELATIONSHIP
