Intimate Treason. Claudia Black

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target="_blank" rel="nofollow" href="#fb3_img_img_f05a129d-6009-5624-a2cf-4f3b50c1f188.jpg" alt=""/> Write down your feelings as you went through the above list.

      

Did the checklist trigger any suspicions or old memories? Describe.

      HINDSIGHT: WARNING SIGNS MISSED

      While you may not have known about the sexual behaviors, most likely there were other signs that indicated something was wrong in your relationship. These can be behaviors or activities where addiction was operating, unknown to you. They are patterns that show up in the tasks of daily living that are often ineffectively addressed and over time become chronic. In a relationship where secrets and lies exist, these patterns represent the missing link, the hidden piece of the puzzle from which to draw. You couldn’t know what was kept hidden unless accidentally stumbling across it or being told.

      The sexual behaviors were secret and meant to be so. But it is often those other areas where problems existed that will help you reflect on how you quieted your misgivings and doubts, or instead attempted to rehash your concerns/complaints in order to change your partner—all to no avail. Reflecting on these areas will offer you a window into where warning signs existed. Perhaps there was a pattern of allowing his or her reasoning to trump your own or believing that his or her complaints about you somehow justified the actions in some way. Coming to your own aid is discovering how you missed or possibly disregarded the warning signs. Identifying incidents and hunches becomes useful in learning to trust your own judgment as you move forward with the healing process.

       The following are examples of warning signs that problem areas existed. In your journal, list all those that you now recognize may have been signs for you.

      

Sex—avoidance of sex, high demand for sex, novelty or wanting to try out new techniques.

      

Communication—avoiding conflict, avoiding specific topics, blaming behavior.

      

Time away from family through work.

      

Excessive extracurricular activity.

      

Imbalance in household responsibilities.

      

Finances—kept secret, one person in control of all assets, money unaccounted for, unexplained debt.

      

Chronic lateness.

      

Physically or emotionally absent from children.

      

Fighting without resolution.

      

Protracted periods of silence or willful emotional withholding by the addict.

      

Coercive behavior—control, anger.

      

Underperformance at work—job losses or little advancement in career.

      

Repeated moves due to change in work or lifestyle pursuits.

      

Change in social behavior—avoiding friends, activities.

      

Other.

      DISCOUNTING YOUR PERCEPTIONS

      In addition to warning signs, you may have overheard or seen something that caused you to be suspicious.

       EXAMPLE

       Ten years ago I found list of phone numbers in my husband’s wallet. I called the people and either didn’t reach them or they hung up on me. I went to my husband and told him I knew he was seeing other women and here was the list of names. He told me he loved me, that it wasn’t what I thought it was. He acted so outraged that I would ever doubt him and flatly denied he lied or would ever lie to me.

      

List three incidents where you had suspicions. For each incident describe what happened, what you did or didn’t do, and your thoughts and feelings at the time.

      

If you did not act on your suspicions, what did you tell yourself in order to quiet your doubts?

       EXAMPLES

       I told myself that was stupid thinking and wondered what was wrong with me; he wouldn’t do that.

       I told myself I was just a jealous

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