influence of the Internet on sexual behaviors and attitudes should not be underestimated. While the problem of sexual addiction existed long before the technology boom of the past twenty years, the Internet has accelerated it for many people. Far more individuals are at risk for developing a problem with online pornography simply from the ease and accessibility found on the Internet. Additionally, the abundance of any type of information, from seeking particular types of men, women, or children, to ideal fantasy situations, combined with perceived anonymity, has moved the behavior into the privacy and comfort of the home.
Cybersex provides the illusion of control in seeking the perfect object of desire through the use of the computer, since the risks associated with it seem nonexistent. Faster Internet connections have allowed for more immediate access to pornographic material. This has further expanded into the hand-held device industry and has made secret and illicit acts more portable and, at times, untraceable. The fallout of this has meant that more and more people spend exorbitant hours and days at a time online leading to negative work, interpersonal, and familial consequences. Addicts have found that to keep their affairs anonymous, it’s far easier to get disposable phones or a separate phone altogether, further reducing the likelihood that they will be tracked.
Finding a sex partner in the recent past usually meant using a computer to search websites, physically going to a venue, or viewing the back pages of certain magazines. Today there are applications on most hand-held devices that allow one to seek out a partner from anywhere Internet access is available. Previously, an addict would have to have a magazine or book to view porn. Now with a hand-held device or tablet, he or she can view material while in a plane, in a train, or in a car while waiting for the kids after school.
As you struggle to gather some control over what is happening, you are likely to experience contradictory thoughts and feelings about your partner’s actions. On the one hand, you can see how completely out of control he or she is and may not even recognize the person you once knew. On the other hand, you can’t understand why he or she just doesn’t stop the behavior that is destroying the relationship and affecting the entire family. Worse, you blame yourself and think you weren’t enough to keep him or her happy or were too naive to recognize what was going on.
Perhaps you recognize this is addiction and you’re reading this book to work on yourself and the issues that led to being involved with an unavailable partner. You have been able to separate yourself emotionally from the addict and can see the addiction as his or her own. Or you can accept that there is much you will never know or understand. You are in an exploratory place of wanting to search for the causes and influences that led to your choice of a partner and are focused on what you can do to heal your pain. Or you are not the least bit resolved about what you have been told and question whether there are more secrets and details being withheld from you. That may mean you are experiencing a lot of fear and anxiety, and find yourself still preoccupied by your partner’s behaviors. Regardless of what has happened in your relationship, your willingness to read this book and to complete the exercises in it speaks to your strength and desire to take care of yourself and begin the process of healing.
LANGUAGE AND LABELS
Having your intimate world turned upside down challenges you to confront immediate and long-term fears. Along with these fears you encounter a new language intended to describe the behavior and attributes of addicts and their partners. Sometimes that language can feel stigmatizing and invalidating, especially for partners who can be made to feel responsible for the actions of the addict.
Our intention with the labeling in this book is to help identify common themes and pathways individuals take on the road to recovery, as well as what is helpful to you to find your own voice and speak from that place of truth. We also believe that language offers a framework, a road map of sorts, to direct you in recovery and along a path that has proven helpful to others who walked this path before you. Not everyone is alike and despite the commonality you may find in reading others’ stories, your journey is yours alone to make. A label is intended to bring meaning and context to your circumstances, and in that way empower you in your decision making.
We believe we would be remiss if we didn’t point out the markers, pitfalls, and common tendencies that many partners share in their journey to finding wholeness. For this reason, we see it as essential to have a common language in which to name things. Having a place where words and language are used to describe what you’ve been experiencing is tremendously validating as you navigate these turbulent waters of addiction.
We work clinically from a model based on addiction and trauma. We see addiction as defined by the person who no longer demonstrates control over the frequency of his or her sexual behaviors; whose behavior demonstrates a cyclical pattern with established rituals; maintains secrets related to behaviors; and continues with those behaviors despite adverse consequences to him- or herself and others. Our focus is on you, the loved one, to help raise awareness of the problem, foster safety where you can explore your pain, and offer hope that healing is possible. Primarily, we intend to do this by validating and bringing meaning to the trauma of intimate betrayal—a real, profound, and pervasive experience that has caused serious pain. Addressing this is the first priority. We believe that to label this anything but trauma is devaluing to you and your pain and can make accessing appropriate care more difficult at a time when it is so needed. Symptoms of trauma can also be mistaken for codependency, but to treat them as such further traumatizes you. It is our goal to help you accept and validate the trauma, and in time develop the ability to ferret out those codependent traits that also interfere with your ongoing healing.
Based on our experience observing partners confront and heal from their crises, we believe that both your pain and the constellation of your symptoms are traumatic and codependent, not either/or. Codependency is often a condition that exists for many partners who have found themselves in these types of relationships. It is these codependent traits and behaviors that you may have brought to the relationship as part of your reaction to addiction, even when addiction was unknown to you. These behaviors are self-defeating and contribute to low self-esteem.
As you address the trauma of addictive sexual behavior you will begin to peel back the layers of coping skills that were ineffective in the relationship and that compromised your self-worth. You will explore areas of the relationship where you over- and/or under-functioned and begin to see this as both trauma response and traits of codependency. You will reflect on who you were in the relationship prior to any awareness of your partner’s sexual acting out. It is at this point the characteristics of codependency may make more sense to you and you may see how they served to protect you from facing other painful truths about yourself and your partner.
We believe this book will help you determine “first things first,” which means looking at your crisis concerns versus long-term difficulties in relationships that preceded the addiction. To realistically recover from sexual betrayal we invite you to explore patterns that led to trusting an untrustworthy person. Our intention is not to blame you for someone else’s behavior, but rather to encourage self-reflection and understanding for how you got here.
YOUR JOURNEY: SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH ABOUT LIVING WITH SEX ADDICTION
There are an increasing number of books that present a framework for understanding the complexity of sex addiction and its impact on the couple; but there are few that speak directly to the partners. While Claudia has written a powerful book that offers a framework for your recovery, Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies, and Secrets, and Cara has addressed particular themes partners confront in Mending a Shattered Heart, what differentiates Intimate Treason from others is that this is your story and it is centered around what has occurred, what is happening now, and what you need to help you move through the fear, anger, and uncertainty that results from a relationship with a sex addict. We guide you through a process that allows you to both share and explore your own narrative, fears, ambiguity, and hopes, and discover the answers residing within you.
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