Intimate Treason. Claudia Black

       I realize I don’t use the fellowship of my church for any support.

      Doing this exercise will help you see the pervasiveness of addiction, that is, the ripple effect. Most likely there is no part of your life that has been left untouched. At this stage what is important is to identify and prioritize that which requires your most immediate attention. By stopping the “bleeding” and focusing your energy on those areas you listed, you will become better equipped to move forward and begin the healing process.

Managing Triggers

       This exercise is designed to identify how you’ve been responding to the trauma of being betrayed. It will help you identify and, more importantly, cope with triggers. Triggers are those situations, activities, or behaviors that often, though not always, remind you of the sexual acting out. Once you are triggered, it often becomes difficult to distinguish between the reality of today and the cascade of emotions and memories reminiscent of the traumatic experience of betrayal. You will look at some of the ways these triggers, when not managed, can lead to self-sabotaging actions. We will offer tools and resources to help lessen the intensity of your feelings and the behaviors and provide you with choices in how to respond in a healthy manner.

      During this time of upheaval you may feel emotionally out of control. You’re preoccupied all the time and wish you could turn off the thoughts that plague you day and night. These are typical responses to overwhelming trauma. Many betrayed partners describe feeling trapped and vulnerable. The preoccupation is also a symptom of the intimate trauma as the intrusive memories remind you of what you’ve learned. They are daily reminders of what you are coping with today. These are referred to as triggers.

      Triggers can be events, situations, sensory memories, and/or circumstances that remind you of the addiction and send warning signals that you might be in danger. Triggers can reflect a real or imagined threat, but foremost they are a learned response to the original trauma of discovery/disclosure. Without developing tools to handle these triggers, you will be unprepared to handle and effectively address situations with your spouse/partner today. When a trigger occurs, you are reminded again of the lack of control you experienced at the time of the betrayal. The feeling is overpowering, and you may be afraid that your emotions will overcome you or compel you to behave in ways you may later regret. At such a vulnerable time, reacting to how you feel can often have risks to you or others since it’s created from an impulse and a desire to eradicate the pain you are experiencing.

       EXAMPLES

       The day after confronting my boyfriend about an affair I discovered he was having, and his agreeing to see a counselor with me, I called him at work and he’s not where he said he would be. I get in the car and check out every hotel I can locate within a fifteen mile radius. It took me three hours. I get home and there he is; he had been in a car accident. Because of the mental frenzy I was in, I totally forgot that I needed to be at school for an appointment regarding my daughter. He was apologetic, but it was clearly a reaction to what I’d just learned that drove the frenzy. I felt the only way to quell my fear was to track him down.

       I am just consumed with the details of what I have learned and I wanted everyone to know what a b*@#%$^ he is. I sent out emails to everyone on my Facebook and Twitter accounts telling them in detail what I had just learned. I left nothing out.

       A week after I am confronted with my wife’s behavior, I am on a work trip, and this woman flirts with me and makes it clear she has an interest in me, so I thought “my wife has been doing this for years, it’s my turn.” So I did.

      Having fantasies of revenge is absolutely normal; acting on them is not. Wishing that something, anything would take away your pain is understandable. Looking for immediate

Скачать книгу