hoping it was all a dream, only to be smacked with the reality of daylight and the brutal realization that it wasn’t. Nothing looks the same through your eyes anymore, as though someone put a pair of glasses on you that you cannot take off, and you can only see the same horrible show over and over again. You are a victim or you are a witness to victimization.
Everything you previously knew and felt and thought fades into the background as the victimization stands out as the only reality. Your life today operates as only two segments: before the crime and after the crime. There no longer is a gray period, only black and white, before and after.
Just when you thought recovery couldn’t get any harder, life on life’s terms happens, and sometimes that means someone perpetrating violence upon you or your home. One of our most fundamental rights as citizens is to live in peace without the threat of violence and crime. Unfortunately, at times our rights may be compromised. Too many of us have been victims of a violent crime, or know a family member or friend who has been.
If you’re reading this book, then either you or a loved one has been the victim of a crime and you are seeking help. Make no mistake about it; even if your loved one is the victim, you too become a victim of sorts. You see, feel, and hear the pain the primary victim goes through, and it is impossible for it not to permeate your soul and leave an imprint on you that can be just as confusing as the crime itself. Although the crime wasn’t perpetrated against you, you nonetheless find yourself with similar emotions as the victim’s in the aftermath. Being the victim or a witness of a crime can be the single most traumatic event a person experiences in his or her lifetime. My hope is that this book will serve as a guide to help you along your healing journey.
All too often victimization occurs while a person is engaging in addictive behavior, whether it is with alcohol or other drugs, sex, or some other manifestation of the disease of addiction. This only adds to the guilt, shame, and horror you may feel about the crime and your actions surrounding the crime. Additionally, people who are already in recovery from addiction may find their recovery in jeopardy as a result of being victimized and the increased stress and emotional distress that come along with it. This book will guide you through these emotions while educating you on the criminal justice system and on ways to safeguard your recovery—or find recovery.
Whether your victimization was due to the murder of a loved one, rape, sexual assault, burglary, identity theft, child abuse, domestic violence, aggravated assault, or another type of crime, you are left with the feeling that nothing feels as it once did, and it may never again.
There are three things I want you to know:
1. You are not alone.
2. You will get through this.
3. Picking up a drink or other substance will only make this worse.
The next hours, days, and months are going to be difficult, but not impossible, to get through. Your emotions will swing, sometimes wildly, from one extreme to another as you find a way to come to terms with what has happened to you. This book is here to help during this most difficult time, to empathize with you, and to ultimately help you heal. It cannot take away what happened to you, it cannot replace the loss you feel, and it will not attempt to tell you how to feel or grieve. What it can offer you is guidance that will assist you in navigating this uncharted territory—guidance from a person who has been through a similar journey and who has guided hundreds through their own journeys.
In this book you will find many useful tools to help you along this new path, including critical information about the criminal justice system and victims’ rights that you will need in the weeks and months ahead of you, valuable insight about the stages of grief and how to cope with the feelings and emotions you may be experiencing, and recovery-oriented exercises that you will be able to carry with you to ensure your recovery isn’t jeopardized by the trauma you are facing.
Consider this guidebook your new best friend—you can pick it up at any point and turn a page to find activities, resources, affirmations, and reminders that you need to get through the day. Again, you are not alone; information and support are but a page away. The beauty of this book is that you do not have to read it from beginning to end. You can pick it up and go straight to the chapter you need at any given time. If your criminal case is moving through the justice system, it will be especially helpful to read Chapters Eight and Nine to help inform and prepare you for that process. You can also read this book cover to cover if you wish. However you choose to embrace this journey is up to you. You might pick this book up and put it down a hundred times, and that is okay. This is all in your time, and all I ask is that you attempt each exercise with an open mind about processing your feelings.
I advise you to purchase a separate notebook or journal for making notes, answering questions, and completing the exercises and activities provided. Each chapter will end with an exercise that is relevant to what was discussed in the chapter, to provide you with a deeper and more meaningful way to connect the information to your specific situation. Additionally, you will find that at the beginning of each chapter I ask that you make a gratitude list. As the chapters progress, the number of items I ask you to identify that you are grateful for increases. I have found that in my recovery, whenever I am struggling, looking for purpose, feeling down, feeling less than, and so on, nothing lifts me up and brings me back into balance more effectively than making a quick gratitude list. In times of struggle it can be so easy to focus on all that is wrong around us and to not see the good that still exists. By taking the time before each chapter to make a gratitude list, you will be able to see, each time, one more thing you do have in your life that you can be grateful for. The new item on your list could simply be a piece of information or insight you learned from the previous chapter; it could be that the sun is shining; it could be that your cat or dog just curled up in your lap and gave you affection; it could be that you found the courage to open this book today. Whatever it is, I want you to identify it and begin each chapter with some gratitude and positivity.
I do hope this book enables you to process your feelings and bring yourself back into harmony with your recovery, and that it empowers you to truly believe that you can overcome the unthinkable just by putting one foot in front of the other. By getting this far, you are already on your way toward doing just that.
CHAPTER ONE When Crime Hits Home
You have just found yourself a part of a statistic you no doubt never wished to be included in—a crime victim. You are not alone. Crime affects more than a million households each and every year, leaving many people in its wake with more questions than answers. You are in shock; you feel numb, confused, and in disbelief. Emotions like anger, fear, despair, confusion, hatred, denial, indifference, and many more are also common. You may not be able to even identify your emotions right now, as they may all be swirling around you and closing in on you at every turn.
Right now, I want you to stop, take a deep breath, and exhale. Repeat this ten times. Clear your mind and try to regain your footing while you begin to take the first critical steps toward healing. Although it may feel like no one else in the world could relate to what you are going through right now, I promise you that is not the case. If you cannot even put into words what you are feeling, know that that is normal. You are taking a positive step by opening this book and trying to sort through the wreckage that has become your life. Today is a good day because you are doing something good for yourself. I want you to acknowledge this to yourself.
AFFIRMATION Today I am doing okay. I survived, and I am alive. I do not have to let this crime define me. I am a good person, and I did absolutely
