those thoughts. The very act of taking them from inside of you and putting them out in writing in front of you is an extremely brave and powerful act. If you cannot list them all now, you can leave blank spaces to fill in at a later time if you need to.
Building your support system “When I received the news that my son had been murdered, I immediately thought of a drink. I just wanted to numb the pain. Thankfully, I had a support system around me to remind me that a drink would only make it worse.”
You cannot do this alone. No one can. It is vital for you to begin to build a support system around you during this time. You will need people to call and talk to for emotional support. You will also need guidance as you walk through the criminal justice system. Victim advocates and victim assistance coordinators are available to walk you through this process.
EXERCISE
Think of the people in your life who you can call right now for help. These can include a pastor, a friend, a family member, a teacher, a police officer, an advocate—anyone you feel comfortable talking to. Take a moment now to make a list of those you already know you can call. List their names, relationships to you, and ways to contact them, such as email addresses and phone numbers. Additionally, list exactly what each person can offer you. Can he or she provide facts, emotional support, a solid listening ear, good advice?
The following table contains suggestions for you to consider when building your support system. You may have already listed some of these, and if so, great—you are beginning to understand what it takes to start healing. If you didn’t have these listed, that is okay too. You cannot be expected to know what you need or want right now. Remember to be gentle with yourself.
| Emotional support | Someone who can hug you, listen to you, and give you a shoulder to cry on. Someone you can call at any hour of the night or day and who will be there to offer support. |
| Guidance support | Someone who has information and resources that will be helpful to you, such as a victim advocate, a counselor, a police officer or coordinator in the police department, or your sponsor. |
| Distraction support | Someone you can go and have fun with, who will help take your mind off everything and allow you to just be you. |
| Recovery support | Someone who can get you to a meeting or a support group that can help you with your specific situation. |
You are going to find that you need a range of assistance. Sometimes you will need a person to listen to you, other times you will need to cry and you will need a hug, and sometimes you will need information. The following exercise is to help you sort through and list your contacts so will you have a quick reference guide when you need it. These people will make up your core support system. You may have one or two names or you may have ten, as long as you have at least one.
People I can call for help (based on the four types of support)
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
Whom can I call when I need a hug or a shoulder to cry on?
Whom can I call when I need to vent and just need someone to listen?
Whom can I call in the middle of the night?
GUIDANCE SUPPORT
Who is the police officer working on my case?
Who is my victim advocate?
Where can I go for counseling or a support group?
DISTRACTION SUPPORT
With whom can I do some physical activity (for instance, running, walking)?
With whom can I do something fun (for instance, a movie, games)?
RECOVERY SUPPORT
Whom can I call to give me a ride to meetings so I don’t have to go alone?
Whom can I ask to keep me accountable with my recovery meetings and to ensure I am getting to them?
Where can I find a support group of others who have experienced similar situations?
You may not have a vast support system, and that is okay; you can begin to build one. Try to think of what is missing in the support group you listed, and identify where you can find that support.
EXERCISE
Are there any other types of support that you need at this time? If yes, what are they?
Acknowledging what you are powerless over Jane’s house was broken into last winter; almost everything she and her family valued was stolen while they were out one night. She had to remind herself each day that she was powerless over the things she had lost. She could not will them back; she could not change the fact that her family felt scared each night; she could not control that she woke up at exactly 2:30 each morning in a panic.
Treat your healing from this crime just like you did in your early recovery. It will take baby steps, and these steps must be taken in your time and within your comfort level. Just like in early recovery when we had to acknowledge that we were powerless over our addiction, we must also accept that we are powerless over the crime that has affected us. We cannot change what has happened to us. The only thing in our control is how we move forward. The crime that permeated your life has rocked your control center. It may feel like your life is out of control right now, but it’s not—not totally. Determining for yourself what is in your control and what is simply beyond your reach will help you understand what next steps you can take and should take to move toward your healing. I’d like to help you to identify the things you are powerless over right now.
EXERCISE
Complete this statement: I am powerless over____________________ .
Just as we do in the First Step of the Twelve Steps of recovery, we must determine what in our life is now unmanageable as a result of the crime that has infiltrated our way of life. By making a list of ways our life is now unmanageable, we can determine how to bring those things back into a manageable place. Awareness is the key. If we know what we need and what we lack, we can help bring our lives back into a harmonious balance. Take a moment now to list ways your life is currently unmanageable.
Admitting
