become unmanageable can be a humbling experience. After all, we are responsible adults; we have tackled recovery, and now we are faced once again with feeling like we are starting over emotionally. We may have been taught that to be in control means we are successful. Relinquishing that control can be such a challenge. Victimization and trauma temporarily remove control from our lives, as the act of another has swept in and caused a shift in our balance. In what ways do you feel stressed or overwhelmed by the lack of balance in your life today?
Applying Step One to your healing process To admit we are powerless over a situation, person, or thing is an extreme act of humility that requires us to override our egos and accept that there isn’t anything we can do. However, there are extraordinary gifts in the First Step and in this act of admission and submission. Truly understanding that we are completely powerless over something that has happened to us can ease the heavy burden of guilt that many crime victims carry around. You were powerless; you couldn’t have changed the outcome of this crime regardless of what you did or didn’t do. For some, Step One can offer some relief as it respectfully shifts responsibility to the party who should be held responsible—the offender.
This does not mean that you remain powerless; you have the power to take the necessary steps toward healing and regaining that vital balance we all strive for in recovery and life. Balance is the full understanding that while life may shift from one extreme to the next, we have the ability to pull ourselves—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—back into the center. The center is that place where we are neither hysterical nor apathetic; rather, it is a place of soft and calm where we can see ourselves in our truest form. We can think clearly and react to anything that comes our way in an authentic and honorable way. We can behave in a manner that is consistent with who we truly are, and not in a reactionary, emotionally extreme, or emotionally absent way.
In so many ways this level of balance is the crux of a solid recovery program. I know for me personally, my life is all about finding the balance and maintaining it always. I am at my best when I feel balanced. Stress, victimization, and crime shake our balance like nothing else, and the best way to get that balance back lies within our degree of self-awareness and our ability to have an understanding of ourselves.
EXERCISE
In our active addiction, it’s all about extremes and swinging from one extreme to the next. Recovery and healing are about pulling those extremes into balance. The same can be said for recovering from a trauma in our lives. In order to do that, we must understand what we can change and what we cannot. So think about what is within your reach and what you do have control over today. What can you change today?
Today I have the ability to control . . . (For instance, I can get out of bed, take a shower, make a to-do list.)
Congratulations on completing this first chapter. You are off to a great start. You now have a list of people and tools you can turn to when you need them. During those times when you need emotional support, guidance support, distraction support, or meeting support, you now know exactly whom to call. You have also identified some of your initial feelings and needs. You have realized once again in your life that you are not in control and could be way out of balance. Let’s end this chapter with the axis of recovery, the Serenity Prayer.
God, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
CHAPTER TWO Reactions to Crisis and Trauma
“I didn’t respond the way I thought I would. What is wrong with me?”
“How could I have just stood there and let this happen?”
Whether you screamed, fought back, froze in your tracks, or figured out a way to adapt to what was happening to you, your reaction was the right reaction for you given the extreme circumstances. How you thought you would respond to a traumatic event isn’t always the way your body and mind choose to cope. We are all prewired to respond a certain way to a crisis situation, and it isn’t always the way we think we would respond. There are chemical and medical explanations for what your mind, body, and spirit went through. This chapter will help you to understand the effects a crisis and trauma have on your brain and emotional well-being. Understanding why you are feeling the way you are and that there are chemical and medical reasons for your reaction to this crisis will help in your recovery.
Just as we are powerless in our
addiction over our chemical, physical,
and psychological response to a
drug once it hits our system, we are
sometimes powerless over our responses
to extreme stress and trauma.
“I didn’t understand my reaction to the rape. I felt like I should have responded differently; I should have screamed or fought—but I didn’t. I beat myself up over this for years until I learned about crisis response and realized my reaction was quite normal and out of my control.”
First and foremost, if you are beating yourself up for responding the way you did, stop. Your response was just as much out of your control as the crime itself. You could never have predicted exactly how you would respond, so please do not waste any of your energy or time beating yourself up for not responding the way you thought you would have or should have. Playing the “would’ve” and “should’ve” game will only serve to make you crazy.
AFFIRMATION Today I will stop beating myself up for the way I responded to the crime. My response during this crime was not right or wrong; it was simply beyond my control. However, today I have control over how I will respond to my feelings about this event.
How trauma throws off physical and emotional balance Most people go through each day in a normal state of equilibrium or balance. Various stressors throughout your day can throw your equilibrium off a bit, such as a traffic jam when you’re late for work, getting pulled over for a traffic violation, or realizing that you have a big project that needs to be done. These are small stressors that can create a stress response in our body; however, we have a pretty good understanding of how we will respond to these daily stressors, so we aren’t totally thrown off balance when they occur. We are prepared for these types of stressors and, in many cases, we expect them. But when a significant crisis or trauma enters our world, it throws our equilibrium completely off its axis. We get so out of balance and off course that often we can’t get back to our original state of being. Our lives have been altered and shifted in such a drastic way that we must understand our responses in order to understand how we will respond to additional stressors throughout our lives after the crime. Today everything has changed. In order to adapt to these changes, we must understand what has happened and why.
The following is drawn from Chapter One of Marlene A. Young’s Victim Assistance: Frontiers and Fundamentals, a publication of the National Organization for Victim Assistance (NOVA).*
Trauma may be brought
