in your family, then you can’t make the necessary changes in your attitudes and behaviors to help your child. In other words, if you don’t know what you’re doing, then you can’t change it.
Before continuing, it’s also important to remember that you will not be able to change everything all at once—nor should you try. The point here is to become aware of your actions and the dynamics of the family situation, not to immediately run out and change everything. Some things will remain the same no matter how hard you try. That’s okay. Others will be easier to change or alter and these are the ones on which you should first concentrate your attention. If you start to feel overwhelmed by the questions here, take a short break to give yourself time to process what you are learning. But be sure to come back, as what you are discovering is vital to the health of your child.
To begin, take a few minutes to think about your own childhood. What role did food play in your life? You may want to take out a pen and paper to make some quick notes so that you don’t forget (a special notebook to use while reading this book might be helpful). While writing, think about how your parents used food. Did your mother always cook a special meal for your birthdays? Was your father there to take you out for ice cream every week? If so, what feelings did you associate with these events? Did you consider these or other activities as a way of feeling loved? Were you treated in a special way during these times? Take a moment to complete the following sentence, “In my family, food was a way of . . . .”
Now, take a moment to think of the feelings about food you had as a child. Don’t go back and read anything you’ve written so far. Just keep right on writing. There will be time for reading later. Right now, you need to simply write as much as you can. When you were younger, how did you feel about food? Was it a way of relaxing? Feeling special? Getting rewarded? Nurturing yourself when things didn’t go your way? Celebrating? Whatever you thought about food then, write it down and don’t worry about making it “pretty.” There’s no need for spelling or grammar review at this point. Simply write as much as you can, in any way that you can. If you’re better with a computer or you’d like a certain type of pen, then by all means do whatever feels comfortable to you while you are writing.
After you have finished the exercise above, write about one incident in your childhood involving food that stands out in your memory. Was this incident a happy one? Were you sad? Did you feel loved? Whatever it was, simply write it down without rereading it. By now you will probably need a break. Feel free to get up and walk around, or maybe even wait until tomorrow morning to come back to your writing. While you are doing other things, be aware of the thoughts that come up. During your break time, your subconscious will be thinking about what you’ve written. By the time you come back to your writing, you will most likely have new things to add.
Before proceeding, take some time to write down any memories involving food (or lack of food) that may have come into your mind. Don’t worry if you’re unsure of what they mean right now. The important thing is to write as much as you can about your childhood and the role food played in your family while you were growing up.
Though your first reaction may be to minimize certain events that come up, simply write them down for now. If it came up in your mind during this exercise, then chances are that there is something there you can use.
Rather than viewing this as an indictment of your childhood and/ or your parents, try to think of yourself as a detective attempting to solve a mystery. Your past is simply that, your past. It can’t be changed, and the information you find doesn’t have to change the life you have today unless you decide it is necessary. For the moment, it may help to look at your life as if it were a movie or television show. Other than naming the feelings involved with the experiences, you do not need to relive what happened then. You simply need to write them down.
Extending your memory into your teen years, think about the types of foods you ate. Were there certain foods that you turned to when you were upset? Did one particular food make you feel safe? Loved? Popular? Among your friends, in what, if any, “food rituals” did you participate? For example, did you regularly hang out at the local pizza parlor every night? Or was the local ice cream shop your favorite dating spot? Whatever it was, write it down.
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