most of us can compare this “adventure” to falling down the rabbit hole in an Alice-in-Wonderland-like experience, once the disorientation clears, with the help of a guide, we soon realize we must roll up our sleeves and go to work building new emotional muscles. If we’re to survive, and to eventually thrive, it’s going to require hard work and growth!
This is my favorite part of being a story bearer. I’m given the joy and the privilege of being invited into women’s stories as they begin to write a different future based on their new growth. And as the weeks pass, I have a front row seat as they grow and strengthen new emotional muscles.
Most can only see their growth and progress in the rearview mirror. But in time, all realize how far they’ve come. And some even say it’s been worth all the pain for what they’ve gained from this devastating experience.
My sisters on this journey are amazing. And so are their stories. What a privilege to be granted a season of sharing in their stories and lives, then to carry them in my heart for the rest of my days.
These are just three of the rich lessons being a story-bearer has taught me. My hope for you, dear Reader, is that as you keep taking baby steps along your own trajectory of healing and growth you will make these—and many more—discoveries. And, that in the bottom of your trauma chest you too will find beautiful buried treasures.
Marsha Means
When I first began offering Three-Day Intensives that focused on restoring relationships damaged by sex addiction, I did not realize how many couples would want to participate in these programs. For many years I did my best to accommodate as many couples as my schedule would allow. But one therapist cannot meet the needs of all couples. Additionally, I realized that unless I trained other therapists in my treatment model, the Hope & Freedom Intensive Program would end whenever my career comes to an end.
Over the past several years, I have trained a small number of outstanding therapists to become Certified Hope & Freedom Practitioners (CHFP). I looked for deeply skilled sex addiction therapists who would come to Houston and learn my treatment model while working with several couples in Hope & Freedom Intensives. What I did not expect was how much I was going to learn from this group. I sit in awe of them and of their commitment to help couples restore their relationships. In every case, the teacher became a student during the training.
I have read glowing success stories from many couples who attest that their relationships have been saved by CHFPs. Each week these incredible therapists are giving couples a second chance. I am privileged to be associated with them. Rather than list them all here, I would encourage you to go to www.FindACHFP.com to read about them and their work.
Publishers can make or break authors. I want to thank all of the talented and dedicated people at Central Recovery Press for their work and commitment to this project. This is my second book with CRP and I am finding again that working with them has been an absolute pleasure. From my first contact with Executive Editor Nancy Schenck, to the guidance of Eliza Tutellier and Valerie Killeen, to the marketing genius of Patrick Hughes, and especially to the many hours of work with my gifted editor, Dan Mager, I have been privileged to be able to associate with the best publishing team anywhere.
Milton S. Magness
The Canadian Rockies are filled with some of the most breathtaking beauty in the world. I spend as much time as possible here, enjoying multiple sports year round. At the same time, winters at my Canadian home can be dangerously cold and bleak.
There are times when the temperature plunges to minus thirty degrees or even colder. Snow comes a foot or more at a time. Nights are long and the days may be as brief as eight hours or less. Many of our friends suffer months-long depression every winter as they battle seasonal affective disorder (SAD) due to the lack of sunlight.
When the temperature plunges, simple errands outside can become life threatening. Going to the grocery story demands planning and multiple layers of clothing to remain healthy. Floors are covered in grit tracked in by snow boots, and mudrooms are littered with all manner of footwear and more coats than will comfortably fit.
In the midst of some of the harshest weather, there is a beautiful phenomenon. When the temperature plunges, the accumulated snow compacts forming transparent crystals. These crystals cover the snowfields but are invisible in low light conditions. However, when the sun comes out, the snow shimmers like it is studded with diamonds. The temperature may still be extremely cold and there may yet be several more months of harsh weather ahead, but the glimpse of diamonds in the snow brightens an otherwise unremarkable day. The glistening crystals are one of the most beautiful sites during winter.
Sex addiction is a condition that has decimated countless lives and destroyed many families. The path of destruction caused by sex addicts is mind-numbing. This book takes a frank look at sex addiction and the devastation it causes. We look at the tremendous damage sex addicts cause to others, especially to their partners. This is also a book of hope. In the midst of the destruction, some individuals and some couples find their way out and get their lives back on track, finding new life, new hope, and renewed relationships on the other side of addiction.
To be fair, we do not know how many sex addicts and partners do well after recovery. There are no statistics to indicate how many marriages survive sex addiction. Certainly, many sex addicts never stop acting out, many partners never fully heal from the trauma caused by their partners’ sex addiction, and many marriages end as a result of sex addiction.
However, we do know there are sex addicts that become fully healthy. They stop all of their acting out and change their other problematic and unhealthy behaviors. Though sex addiction will remain with them throughout life, they are able to regain much of what they lost as a result of their active addiction and live in integrity.
There are also partners that find true healing after the trauma of being in a relationship with a sex addict. Some of these partners are still in that relationship and others have moved on in their lives without their sexually addicted spouse. The healing journey often takes years but can happen through diligent work.
We have had the privilege of working with couples whose relationships survived sex addiction. These fortunate couples often find that their relationships are better after recovery from sex addiction than they ever were before the discovery of sexual acting out. Although this is far from the norm, their stories are important, and a number of them are included at the end of this book. Although this book does not try to soften the impact of sex addiction, it is our hope that while reading it, you will glimpse some diamonds in the snow.
The working title for this book was “Why Did He Do It? Why Can’t She Get Over It?” These questions are at the nexus of understanding and coping with sex addiction. Sex addiction is real. It is not something dreamed up by Hollywood to help celebrities dodge responsibility for their inappropriate actions or to explain a lapse in judgment. Sex addiction is not just liking sex or even just liking sex a lot. This has nothing to do with sex drive, libido, or hormones.
Sex addiction is a debilitating disorder that conservatively affects 3–6 percent of the population. It is epidemic in America. That figure is based on those who have sought treatment in the USA for sex addiction. When you add to this number the partners/spouses and children of sex addicts, the number of people whose lives are directly impacted by sex addiction reaches as high as 30
