see which are doable and pleasing.
Creative Sparks
Discuss which hobbies and rituals are most important to your partner.
List the components of the experience and learn which parts your partner most enjoys.
Adapt the experience as needed to your partner’s changing interests.
Use Playfulness to Jump-Start Conversations
“Love, the essence of love, manifests itself through playfulness.”—Réné Gaudette
For days, Albert sat in front of the television, stony-faced, unmoving. His wife Grace tried to pry him loose by asking, “Want to go for a walk?” But Albert sat silent, eventually mumbling, “No.” Then Grace talked to Erin Bonitto, a Minnesota-based dementia communication coach. Afterward, instead of hovering meekly in front of the television waiting for her husband to answer her, Grace turned off the program, sat beside Albert, and glanced all around the room.
“Albert,” she said, “You’re the best looking man in the room.”
Albert chuckled.
“We should stretch our legs,” Grace said. “Come with me, I have something to show you.”
Albert stood and went with Grace.
“It’s not so much what you say,” Erin says. “You’re trying to create a spark and connection between you.” As founder and lead coach in Gemini Consulting, Life Enrichment Systems for Dementia, Erin has years of experience working with care partners in home and healthcare settings.
Jazz Up Visits
Nan didn’t know what to say when she visited her mom in the memory care community. If she said, “Hi Mom, how are you?” she’d either hear, “Fine,” or she’d be bombarded by her mom’s list of complaints.
Erin advised Nan to stride in with a big smile and open body language. Instead of a routine question, she might say, “Wow Mom, you look like a million dollars.” Or, “Mom, you look so good I think we should go out for a stroll.”
“You’re trying to restore creativity and playfulness to your relationship.”
Another daughter took Erin’s suggestion to a higher level and said to her widowed mother, “Mom, you’re so beautiful today, I think we should go find some men.”
“I think we should too,” her mom answered.
Erin explains, “You’re trying to restore creativity and playfulness to your relationship.”
Playfulness worked its magic with another family. Whenever Jack wandered into his kitchen with a look of confusion on his face, his wife learned to say something cheerful, such as, “At last. The King has arrived.” Then she laughed, and Jack chuckled as well.
“The laughter releases endorphins,” Erin says. “Once those endorphins are moving, conversation flows more easily. When you use these techniques, you are both on the exact same plane.”
Have Fun and Break Ice
Erin is working with the staff of a memory care home in Minnesota to help their residents more readily interact with each other.
“These residents have a capacity for friendship and joking, but they can’t initiate a conversation,” Erin explains. “We’re coaching the staff on ways to connect by using irreverent ice breakers.”
For example, an aide guides Joe to his seat at the dining table. “Harry,” the aide says to another man at the same table, “Keep an eye on Joe. He’s a real troublemaker.” She smiles and both Harry and Joe laugh. They are now connected and talking.
Creative Sparks
Think of phrases that will surprise and please your partner, such as: For a spouse:“Ah . . . it’s the lady I’ve been waiting for!”“You know, I haven’t had a single hug today.”“Ah, my partner in crime!” For a parent or grandparent:“Well, there’s my distinguished dad!”“Mom, it’s me, your best-looking daughter!”
When your conversation becomes rote, add in phrases and gestures that will evoke a smile or laugh.
Help your partner communicate with others by offering playful introductions.
“To succeed, planning alone is insufficient. One must improvise as well.” —Isaac Asimov
Karen’s mom gazes out the window and notices squirrels jumping from one tree to the next. She has never seen squirrels leap so high, and she assumes they are a different animal.
“Look at those monkeys,” her mom says.
“Yes and they’re jumping all around,” Karen answers, inviting her mom’s creativity instead of correcting her. “What shall we do with them?”
“Catch one,” her mom answers. “Look at those monkeys.”
“Yes and they’re flying from branch to branch,” Karen says.
“And they’re wishing for a banana,” her mom says, smiling.
Karen smiles. They are two women, monkeying around, engaging in a stimulating exchange.
Yes, Yes, and Again Yes
Because of her background in improvisational theater, Karen Stobbe of North Carolina, often relies on “Yes, and . . .” a key component of any skit.
“With both improv and caregiving, you learn the basics; then you go with the flow.”
“When you say no, you stop the flow of language,” Karen says. “‘Yes, and . . .’ invites imagination and creativity.”
Karen got the idea for using improv techniques with her mom when she was suffering through a boring caregivers’ workshop. Karen thought, “If I see one more PowerPoint slide showing one more grim brain picture, I’ll explode. If only they’d use some improvisation games, they could illustrate the information more clearly.”
She had worked as an actor, writer, and improv artist. To keep her sanity during the endless workshop, she began jotting down improvisational ideas that would help caregivers.
“With both improv and caregiving, you learn the basics; then you go with the flow,” Karen says. “You can rehearse, but you’re only practicing techniques. The performance remains a surprise.”
Karen fleshed out her ideas, received a grant, and created a training program that she offers free on her website. The program has also helped Karen enliven her communications with her mom.
The Flow Is Fun
When communicating with
