“If I said, ‘Hey, want to make art?’ people shied away, saying, ‘I can’t draw, I can’t paint. I don’t know what to do,’” Ari says.
But if Ari asked, “Do you have a moment to help me?” or “Would you give me a hand?” people were interested in assisting.
“It’s all about issuing the right kind of invitation,” Ari says.
Offer Choices and Encourage Ideas
Whenever possible offer two or three choices. “Shall we start with the blue, red, or green paint?” “Shall we listen to ‘Blue Moon’ or ‘Fly Me to the Moon’?”
Slow down and allow time for your partner to process. “Before you help, let the person tussle with the task a bit,” Ari suggests.
Encourage whatever ideas come up.
“The least intrusive way to communicate is by signaling someone with a gesture or expression,” Ari says. “When you need to speak, gently repeat words as often as necessary. Or you can show by example, placing the person’s hand over your hand as you draw, paint, or put something together.”
Give people notice as you’re winding down the project. Thank them for their help and offer a low-key transition, such as “I’m putting away these materials now. It’s time to clean up the table and get ready for dinner. Will you join me?”
Say Yes and Create a Failure-Free Zone
“That’s salad dressing, not milk. Don’t drink that.”
“No, we’re not going to see Sissy today; we’re seeing her next month.”
“Watch out for that pen; you’re getting ink all over your shirt.”
What if you were constantly being told no and assured you were mistaken, clumsy, or wrong? Care partners have the difficult balancing act of keeping people safe while nurturing their self-esteem and independence.
With activities, you can invite unfettered self-expression by suspending judgment and saying yes to ideas.
Imagine knowing what you want to do and not being able to communicate your wishes. For example, Emily wants to step outside to look at the roses, but the words are stuck in her throat. So she walks down the hall to the outside door. A woman steps into her path. The woman’s smile is too big, and her voice is too high.
“Where are you going?” she asks.
Emily gestures toward the door but the woman shakes her head.
“No, you can’t go home,” she says. “But you can go to Bingo. Come back this way with me.”
The woman doesn’t understand, but Emily cannot explain herself. “The roses,” Emily wants to tell her, “I want to smell and touch them. They’re just like the ones I used to grow at home.”
Teepa Snow, an occupational therapist who teaches dementia care across the nation, understands how frustrated Emily is feeling. For years, she has worked with people who have trouble using words to communicate. She knows that the tone of voice matters and authenticity is key.
“I imagine how I would feel if I couldn’t express my needs and someone was telling me, ‘No, no, no,’” Teepa says.
With activities, you can invite unfettered self-expression by suspending judgment and saying yes to ideas. This removes the risk of embarrassment, reduces the fear of making a mistake, and helps your partner feel creative, capable, and loved.
Redefine Being Helpful
Teepa has also seen well-meaning caregivers be too helpful. That’s what happened to George.
George loves jigsaw puzzles, but no matter how hard he tries, the pieces simply won’t fit together.
“Don’t worry, Dad,” says that nice woman who takes care of him. “I’ll help you.”
She quickly fits a whole section together. George knew he was getting dumber, and this proves it. Why should he even bother to do another puzzle? He’d like to have just a little assistance, but the words won’t fit together so he can let that nice woman know.
“We need to redefine what it means to be helpful,” Teepa says. “Instead of doing something for people, we can offer choices. This increases their sense of independence and control.”
If someone is struggling to find a missing puzzle piece, put your hand under hers and guide her to two pieces, then together experiment to see which one will fit. By collaborating, you’re supporting and empowering the person living with dementia.
Go with the Flow
Perhaps you’ve experienced something like this: You’ve set up a wonderful tea time, complete with your mom’s favorite cucumber sandwiches, English breakfast tea, a clip from one of her favorite British comedies, and some photos from a long ago trip to the United Kingdom. Everything is ready to go, except your mom, who is gazing out the window at a starling and worrying a hole in her favorite red cardigan.
After you have a moment of disappointment, go with the flow and tailor the activity to her mood.
If she’s staring out the window, take her outside, if possible. Or find nature photos and sounds and experience those together. If she’s rocking back and forth in her chair, or repeating a folding motion, support her rhythmic movements with music or light tapping.
Make a List of Likes
Even for the most dedicated, being a care partner is not easy. Teepa Snow recommends making a list of the things you like about the person with dementia.
You might write, “I like the way he laughs.” That will direct you to watch for humorous moments. “I like her curiosity.” You can search out new projects to stimulate both of you. “I like the way he appreciates nature.” You’ll explore ways to be outside and experiment with ways to bring nature indoors.
When challenges arise in your interactions, this list reminds you to focus on the qualities you most appreciate.
Creative Sparks
Choose a quiet space relatively free of distractions. Select a time of day when you and your partner both have lively energy.
Choose a project you’d both enjoy and ready your supplies.
Issue the invitation and set the psychological stage for a failure-free activity.
Tap into your own spirit of playfulness. Take risks and try new things. Celebrate whatever happens, whether it’s an amazing watercolor drawing or yellow marks on plain white paper.
Allow the project to unfold at its own pace, offering support as necessary and encouragement along the way.
Know when to take a break. If you don’t have energy to be curious, if you’re exhausted, take a break and come back to the activity later. Otherwise you’ll feel frustrated.
If the project doesn’t go as planned, don’t worry. Go
