ones to be ‘normal.’ They are being normal in their world, and we need to step into that arena.”
In improv, as in caregiving, you don’t put the other person on the spot. In a skit, if you ask a pointed question, you give unwanted power to the other person. In a care situation, you’re asking a question of someone who may struggle with the answer and feel frustrated.
So when Karen takes her mom to their favorite ice cream shop, she doesn’t ask, “Do you know where are we right now?” Instead, Karen anchors her mom by saying, “This is a really beautiful ice cream shop. Look at all the flavors and think about what you’d like.”
If her mom seems overwhelmed by the rainbow of choices, Karen says, “I’m going to get a scoop of chocolate. You usually like Rocky Road. Is that what you’d like today or do you want to try French Vanilla?”
Back home, Karen understands her mom’s worry over making mistakes. So she doesn’t say, “Mom, want to sit down and I’ll bring you a snack.” Karen knows her mom will stand frozen in front of the table, not knowing which place is hers. Instead, Karen walks her mom to the chair and pulls it out for her.
“Here’s your chair, Mom,” Karen says. “Would you like to sit here or on the couch?”
Allow for Silence
In both improv and caregiving, sometimes you don’t know what to do or how to respond. When you feel stuck, you can simply say, “I don’t know what to say right now. Let me think.” Several minutes of quiet can clear your mind and inspire insights.
Creative Sparks
Use improv techniques for more open and creative communication.
Encourage conversation by saying, “Yes and . . . .”
Try not to correct your partner.
Go with the flow. If your mom is confused and believes you are an old friend, allow her the comfort of communicating with that person.
Welcome silence. When you don’t know what to do, a few moments of silence or deep breathing can restore you.
“We must work intuitively and creatively—remembering the dementia journey goes beyond alienation into wonderment.” —Karrie Marshall
Once her husband, Colin, is dressed, Angela hands him a postcard that reads, “You are invited to try a brand new breakfast cereal this morning.” The previous morning, Colin’s invitation promised, “You are invited to watch a new television program with me today. Popcorn included.”
“An invitation creates an occasion and adds a bright focus to the day,” says Karrie Marshall, author of Puppetry in Dementia Care.
“You gain something new to talk about and something different to experience together.”
Karrie, a former nurse, lives in Inverness, Scotland, and specializes in creative projects for those living with dementia. Invitation ideas include going on a walk to a coffee shop, making cookies together, reading a favorite magazine, listening to a new song, and visiting a friend.
Some family members create a fancy invitation, while others simply write on an index card or piece of notepaper. If you enjoy dramatic flourish and ritual, you can deliver the invites on a silver tray.
“An invitation creates an occasion and adds a bright focus to the day.”
Conversation Cards
Lately Colin had seemed apathetic and indifferent. Angela was tired and discouraged and having a hard time staying cheerful. Then she remembered the list she’d made at a recent care partners creativity workshop, a list of her own favorite memories, sayings, and simple pleasures.
“When the care partner is worn out, their partner senses that,” Karrie Marshall says. “Creating cards with quotes, ideas, and fond memories can lift your spirits.”
You can use these cards when you need a personal boost or a topic of conversation. Some care partners paste an inspiring quote, a shared memory, a line from a favorite song, or a family joke on each card. They then can share the card with the person living with dementia, using it as a conversation trigger.
After breakfast, Angela might hand Colin a card that reads, “Our weekend at the lake.”
Angela tells him, “I’ve been thinking about the time we went to the lake, and you decided to swim across to the other side.”
Colin nods in a noncommittal way; she knows he doesn’t remember.
“It was before we were married,” she says. “We took a picnic, and you swam across the lake and back while I watched you.”
“I was a good swimmer?”
“You were and you are. You swam all during high school and kept it up all your life. In fact, we’re going to the pool tomorrow.”
Angela smiles as she talks to Colin about his aquatic prowess. Even though he’s not saying much, he’s listening. And she’s enjoying talking about their shared adventures.
Creative Sparks
Create an invitation, asking your partner to join you for a new experience.
Write some favorite memories, quotes, or simple pleasures on index cards and use these cards to boost conversation with your partner.
Enjoy talking about your memories with your partner listening. Avoid asking, “Do you remember?” and simply share your own reminiscences.
Discover the Creativity at the End of the Rainbow
“The greater your storm, the brighter your rainbow.” —Anonymous
Would you try to force a person with a broken leg to walk up three flights of stairs? No, you would find an elevator.
“We need to do the same for people living with dementia, make accommodations for their physical, mental, and psychosocial changes,” says Lori La Bey, founder of Alzheimer’s Speaks, which hosts a resource website, a blog, and an international radio show. “People living with memory loss are the true experts and can show us meaningful ways to support them. They have wonderful advice that goes beyond research and right to the heart of the matter.”
Lori’s mom lived with dementia for thirty years. Initially Lori struggled with fear of failure. As her mom’s care partner, Lori was paralyzed by the terror of not doing things right. Her anxiety was fueled by limited resources and by the lack of public conversation about the disease. Looking for answers, Lori began to explore options around the world.
“People living with memory loss are the true experts and can show us meaningful ways to support them.”
Understand the Pattern
Over time,
