whole thing with Ben is driving me crazy. I want him in my life.”
“It’s just good common sense.”
The problem was clearly laid out before me. I had experienced entanglements for years, and now some important pieces of how to untangle my self were all starting to come together. I had been gathering them for my self in random ways, but my work with my clients pushed me to get down to some of the nuts and bolts of “how to,” to pull together these important pieces in a way that would increase all of our chances of finding our self again and of increasing peace and serenity in our lives.
The themes of entanglement issues were clear:
What is wrong with me?
Am I doing something wrong?
Who am I separate from this other person?
Do I know who I am?
Do I know what I think? feel? know? believe? want?
Can I survive having more emotional distance from this other person?
If I back off, will he or she leave me?
If I back off, will he or she survive?
If I back off, will I survive?
How much of the problem is me?
What should I do about his or her problem?
What should I do about my problem?
How much do I want to put up with?
What do I do when I’ve had enough?
Suppose I don’t know if I’ve had enough?
What do you mean, “What do I want?”
What do you mean, “What’s good for me?”
And so I wrote a draft of ideas on how to disentangle. I compiled ideas from the many areas that had influenced me and taught me over the last ten years. I added in ideas drawn from my own experience, strength, and hope. I wrote a draft, rewrote it, and rewrote it, adding, revising, editing. It is still a work in progress, always organic, always subject to new ideas, always subject to revisions of the old. As I move along on this journey, I continue to see old things in new ways, to see how what I perceive and understand today may be altered by a new insight tomorrow.
Even though this list of ideas is subject to constant revision, it has also remained essentially the same at its core. Revisions allow increased depth in our work. The core list, entitled Ideas on How to Disentangle, reads as follows:
Ideas on How to Disentangle
Our illusions keep us attached and entangled.
Facing our illusions, detaching, setting healthy boundaries, and developing our spirituality can help us to disentangle.
Facing Illusions
* Find the truth about your situation.
* Work with your self to accept the truth you find.
Detaching
* Become aware of who and what entangles you:
• Who do you get entangled with?
• What entangles you with them?
• What parts of you get entangled?
• How do you act and feel when you’re entangled?
* Learn to separate out what is your problem and what is the other person’s problem.
* Don’t try to fix his or her problem.
* Work for some emotional distance:
• Observe the other more than fully interact with him or her, as loss of your self is likely if you do get fully into the interaction.
• Try to act out of your centeredness and not out of your reactions to the other person.
• Use self-talk to help you when you are feeling pulled off your center (e.g., “I’m okay.” “It’s okay to say this.” “I haven’t done anything wrong.” “This is not my issue.”).
• Be aware of the motivations behind what you say and do in interacting with the other. Make sure you are not saying or doing things to manipulate, control, or change them or to make them feel a certain way or do something specific. You are most likely to keep your centeredness if your motivation is to express your self assertively.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
* Slow down.
* Listen to your own needs, wants, limits, beliefs, feelings.
* Make “I” statements rather than ask questions.
* Set and state your boundaries.
* Mean your limits and stick with them.
* Say things once.
* Say things cleanly and without extensive discussion.
* Stick to the topic.
* Stay in the present.
* Listen to the other person.
* Acknowledge you hear what the other is saying, but try not to defend, rationalize, explain, justify, or convince in response to him or her. By doing so, you can lose your centeredness.
* Be aware and observe your emotions and behaviors as you express those emotions and behaviors.
* Learn when to stop.
* Stop.
Developing Spirituality
* Slow down.
* Simplify.
