Be in the present.
* Find some solitude.
* Breathe deeply.
* Relax your body.
* Quiet your mind.
* Sit in silence.
* Discover your higher power.
* Have an ongoing relationship with your higher power.
* Let go of things you cannot control.
* Practice these things.
* Cultivate faith.
This list takes a look at the big picture of disentangling. It is an overview of ideas that collectively give us power and confidence and serenity and hope for our self. I offer this to clients in individual and/or group therapy. I do not routinely offer it to clients until, as I get to know them, I see the value in their working on these elements. I am amazed at how often I do share this information. Certainly, clients coming in for help with family members and friends suffering from addiction frequently benefit by work in this area. Other clients are less clear in needing this information at first.
A client of mine came in for panic attacks and anxiety. The panic was interfering with his daily functioning, making him miss his construction work for fear that he would have an attack. He had ulcers and periodic rashes. As I got to know him, he talked about his concerns about his relationship with his wife, who had several affairs. She did not want to commit to him and did not want to leave, either. It quickly became clear how entangled he was in their relationship and absolutely stuck about what to do next.
A woman came to see me, concerned about her anger toward her young children and wanting to learn how to manage her feelings and behaviors with them. I learned about her history of a harsh and controlling childhood with her grandparents by whom she was raised. Her anger level at her grandfather was still very strong. She readily reexperienced his teasing, criticism, and sexual harassment of her. She was furious with him. She was angry with her children, one of whom reminded her of her grandfather. She could hardly contain her self.
So, person by person, as I see the need, I pull out my handout, I copy it again, and we start to work on the pieces of disentangling, weaving together the influences of psychology, self-help, philosophy, and experience.
And as I have worked with these individuals, sometimes one right after the other, I have been struck by how similar their issues and feelings are despite the differences in the content and details of their stories. And so, I have formed Disentangle Groups, where these people come together and talk to each other. They can share their stories and feelings. They can break their feelings of isolation. And they can gather skills, insight, and life.
The advertisement for our groups summarizes much of what disentangling is all about, whether the person is doing that work individually or with a group:
DISENTANGLE
A COUNSELING GROUP
For people who are want to break free emotionally from relationships that are unhealthy for them. This would include people who:
• are dealing with codependency;
• are adult children of people with addictions;
• love too much;
• are being emotionally or physically hurt in their love relationships;
• want to get out of a relationship and can’t;
• feel they have to be in full control of everything;
• take care of others more than themselves.
These relationships may be with anyone—parents, friends, romantic partners, children, co-workers, bosses, etc.
The theoretical roots of this group are based on
what we have learned about people living with addiction,
and the same issues are present for many living in other
unhealthy relationships. Thus, the group is open to anyone who feels too entangled with other(s).
The group intends to help members set
boundaries for themselves that will enable them
to disentangle from others and feel better.
The following chapters will take this overview of disentangling and look at the pieces of it in more detail, pieces that have become clearer and more describable as we have worked and lived with these ideas.
First we will look at what I call The Basics. The Basics are general descriptions of what disentangling is about. The Basics are intended to help you understand what this process involves and what it can offer you.
Then we will explore The Four Areas of Work involved in disentangling, looking at each of the Ideas on How to Disentangle previously presented. We will look at what each idea means, reasons for its usefulness, and practical ways to apply it.
“Now what do you mean
by ‘Disentangle’?”
Charlotte, age 34
In this chapter we will be looking at some general concepts that describe the process of disentangling. Before a person embarks on this path of self-retrieval, I believe it is important for him or her to understand not only some “how-tos” of the process, but also some general guidelines about how it works and what to expect and not to expect.
Clients coming to psychotherapy for the first time need education from us about the therapy process. They have no idea what to expect. Sometimes I have found that without some information from me, they expect it to be somewhat like seeing a medical doctor, where they describe their symptoms and the doctor writes a prescription that may take care of the problem with one visit. Clients often ask questions about how long the therapy may take and whether their therapy work will help them to help or change another person in their life. They are unfamiliar with our ethics of confidentiality, sanctions against dual relationships, and the professional boundaries we employ with these people who sometimes want us to also be their friend. They need my professional guidance on these process issues.
Similarly, the process of disentangling merits an explanation. It can be described in terms of what it is and is not about. I have developed this description over the years as I have introduced and explained to people what I mean by disentangling.
Some people immediately find the word “disentangle” to be a good one. The expression on their face and the glimmer in their eyes tells me that they know what entanglement
