abandonment issues immediately come to the surface. They fear I am talking about separation, about divorce, about being alone and empty forever.
Then there are those who think to disentangle would be selfish. What will happen to the other person if they don’t take care of him or her? Wouldn’t it be wrong to not help/take care of him or her? Guilt comes pouring forth, guilt at any thought of saying or doing things to take care of their self.
And then there is the reaction from the person who tells me she simply has no idea what I am talking about when I suggest that she take a look at her self first. She is not the one with the problem. She has come to me to get help for the other. She is confused and lost by the idea of disentangling, and may even feel put off, believing that I am not responding to the issues that brought her to therapy.
The following ten descriptions offer an explanation of what I mean when I talk about the process of disentangling. This information can help you to understand what this process is all about, what it can offer you, and what your part is in the process.
THE BASICS
It’s About the Experience of Losing Your Self
Disentangling is about recognizing that you have lost your self in someone else. It is about the experience of being consumed with worry, care, thoughts, anxieties, plans, regrets, anger, frustration, confusion, exhilaration, anticipation, fantasies, hopes, and dreams about another person. It is about the experience of feeling lost and not knowing what to do next. It is about the experience of hardly being able to take care of what needs to be done. It is the experience of fear and dark expectations and impending doom. It is about the experience of a high that feels absolutely great and that you seek to feel again and again. It is about the experience of having little to no awareness of you and what you need. It is about the experience of not being aware that you are not in touch with you.
Disentangling is a process that is for people who identify themselves in a variety of ways. It is about the experience of losing your self to another person. I have found this experience to be common among people whether they identify themselves as codependent, as adult children of people with addiction, or as people who love too much. I discovered this as I put together and ran an assortment of therapy groups over the years. I ran an Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) counseling group and a Women Who Love Too Much group. My clients in individual therapy often were working on codependency issues. As I worked with these populations somewhat separately, I realized that their issues were often similar, if not the same. I realized that though the specifics of their situations were different, they were each entangled with other people and sacrificing their self in the process.
Codependence has not yet achieved one agreed-upon definition. Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) suggests that people look at their control and compliance patterns in order to determine if they might benefit by their participation in CoDA.
In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie defines codependence thus: “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”*
Timmen L. Cermak, working with the clinical model of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, defines codependence as “a recognizable pattern of personality traits” that include “continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to influence/control feelings and behavior, both in oneself and in others, in the face of serious adverse consequences” and “assumption of responsibility for meeting others’ needs, to the exclusion of acknowledging one’s own needs.”*
Robin Norwood’s subtitle to Women Who Love Too Much is “When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change.” She describes loving too much as a process that involves low self-esteem, a need to be needed, a strong urge to change and control others, and a willingness to suffer.
All of these definitions are useful to me and to my clients. They all address real people and real problems. I have found it helpful, though, to see that at the core of all of these definitions is the experience of the loss of self. And I have found that clients find this a useful way to work with their problems. We do not have to decide if they are codependent or not. Some clients resist this description or what they think this description means. We don’t have to get hung up on whether they self-diagnose in this way. Sometimes their entanglements do not involve controlling, compliance, or caretaking behaviors. We don’t have to find the addiction in their family histories or people they are trying to change. We only have to get in touch with their experience of losing their self in another and the insanity that follows.
Entanglements are about losing your self in someone else. Your response to that entanglement may be quite varied. You may want to control the other, fix or change him or her. You may want to simply be with him or her no matter what. You may be willing to change your self so that you can be with him or her. Regardless of your response to the entanglement, the process of disentangling is about your lost self and how to retrieve you from that tangled mess.
THE BASICS
It’s About Unhealthy Attachments
It is normal to want things. It is normal to desire love and companionship. It is normal to get attached to things and people that mean a lot to you. It is normal to care about others and to wish them well. It is even normal to extend our self to other people or to causes we may take on. These are the things that can enrich our lives, give them increased depth and meaning, and help us to understand our self better. These are healthy attachments.
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